Words and Pictures by Michael Ferraro
Hey people. It’s been over a week since I last blogged. “But why?” you ask? Simple. I moved. But before I moved, some asshole broke into my office and stole my computer, full of every picture I ever drew. Fucking bastards.
So I’ll be back shortly, with a detailed story and picture of the incident, real soon. So calm down. And don’t forget about me… because I didn’t forget about you.
George Carlin No More (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
“I look at it this way… For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers… so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it’s natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse.” — George Carlin
Or is it the other way around? Regardless, I noticed over at Bloggy Award that they were kind enough to give me, Pictures of Doom, a pretty positive write-up. I feel so glamorous now. And with this review could come more readers, right?
My favorite quote in the entire piece is, “Some of the topics may not be deemed proper by some people but hey, the blog has its own target readers who can appreciate the topics.” They gave me a perfect 10 in the Reading Enjoyment section of the review. Yeah, that’s right. You know you enjoy it. I’ll be back with more pictures tomorrow.
I’ve been trying to incorporate a new learning style in the education system but I have been having some challenges with various school boards across the country, due to how radical the thinking style is. Since I can’t get it approved just yet, I figured the next best thing would be to post it here for the world (or at least 13 dedicated readers) to see. Here is the 1st chapter of my new book, Lifenomics: How to Live Life Without Being a Fucktard (by Michael Ferraro, title pending).
There has been a lot of hullabaloo over a group of high school chicks in Massachusetts who made a pact to get themselves pregnant. Now, people all over the place must be scratching their heads thinking, “Where were these sluts when I was kid?” I can’t help but think that this sort of thing might have been prevented. You see, there are sorts of schools all over America who try to teach kids about not having sex instead of what happens when you do have sex. They don’t share about STDs and pregnancies. They simply say, “Don’t have sex before marriage or God will fuck you in the mouth with Hell.” That’s fucking stupid. Let’s face it, America is a boring place to the average teenager. Fucking makes time go by.
Over the course of my life, I have developed a sort of system that, well, I can say… it’s worked pretty amazing for me so far. On top of being one of the only males I know who actually get themselves tested every single year, I also follow a strict set of rules (developed by yours truly) to assist with maximum chance of not getting an STD, and ultimately making the chance for the worst STD ever (children) simply non-existent.
I call it the patented Michael Ferraro’s Three P System. It works so well in fact, that I am currently working with the Bush Administration to get this to be a strict school criteria in every state but he’s too fucking religious to allow proper Sexual Education into his world. Regardless, here are the simple steps to guide yourself to becoming a responsible sexually active teenager (or adult).
Step 1: Prophylactic (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
Step 2: Pull-Out Before Climax (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
Step 3: The Pill (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
The moral of this Lifenomics lesson is that it is up to both parties involved to prevent STDs and practice safe sex. Sex is fun. You don’t want to lose that privilege the penetrate each other’s genital areas because you got the crabs or the herpes or, god forbid, a child. Practice Michael Ferraro’s Three P System and you’ll be on your way to a long and safe sexual lifestyle. I’m 27 years-old and it hasn’t failed me yet.
I went to this gay bar last night to hang out with a friend and her lesbian friends. These places always intrigue me because everyone is so fucking friendly. Seriously. Gay bars are the only places I’ve ever gotten a free drink in my life. Also, I’m a straight guy, so observing the other side of the fence and how open they are is quite a sight to behold. These people are so fucking friendly (and happy).
I had to go to the bathroom at one point to release the 4 or 5 drinks I had. As everyone knows, I don’t urinate in urinals because there are too many negative factors (some have a large splash factor, others have no walls between them). So I was in a stall. There was these two gents next to each other, using the urinal, engaged in a conversation.
The conversation was so Oscar worthy, I decided to include it in my upcoming screenplay entitled, “Set Me On Fire” about the trials and tribulations of a family living on the edge of dysfunction. Copyright 2008 Michael Ferraro. Let’s call these gents Dan and Hubert for the sake of argument.
DAN:
…I told him I had red pubes dude, he didn’t believe me.
HUBERT:
No you don’t man, your hair is blonde.
DAN
I know but my curtains don’t match the sheets. Or, wait, how does that go?
HUBERT
I think it’s curtains don’t match the carpet or something.
DAN
Oh. That’s stupid. But here, check them out man.
Hubert peers to Dan’s urinal and looks down towards his manhood.
HUBERT
Oh my God, you are a red head! Awesome.
Hubert and Dan chuckle. CHARLES, a 20-something man, walks in at this exact moment.
HUBERT
Hey Charles, dude look at Dan’s pubes.
Charles moves towards him and looks down towards Dan’s manhood.
CHARLES
Sweet man, they’re red! Dan’s carpet doesn’t match the curtains.
Do you like my pubes? (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
Film geeks aside, the name Stan Winston might not mean all that much to you. But if you’ve ever seen Terminator, T2, Predator, Aliens or The Monster Squad, you have experienced Winston’s amazing skill with traditional effects. He created the Predator creature, the Terminator endoskeleton, the Queen Alien, and even the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. He was a master at not using computer-generated effects. You watch something like T2 and compare it any modern piece of shit (like the new Indy or something), that puppetry looks so much more convincing. This guy even helped Iron Man look as good as it did.
He died a few a days ago. And with it, I’m sure the death of traditional (’real’) effects will probably die with him. The world of cinema will probably be run with computer-generated effects all the more often. So movies will continue to look hollow and depth-less. Stan was the man (and I am not saying that because it rhymes). He will be missed.
The Immortal Stan Winston (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
It has been almost 6 days since my last entry. I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who claim ‘life is to busy’ and such, but that’s the real deal. There is a lot of action going on here. Plus, I barely have internet at my house right now, so it’s hard to upload new business.
Enough about me, how have you guys been? Good? That’s good to hear. Did you see that new Hulk movie or did you see The Happening? I pretty much liked that green monster film but have been a little scared to see that other one. I just don’t know if I can rock that style, naw mean?
But all of this is pointless really. Stupid questions to make up for my lack of an interesting story or what not. I have, however, come up with an idea to tackle this summer. I am going to be creating some pictures in the real world. Yes, you read right… I am going to take on the art of real art - painting with real brushes on a real canvas. How crazy is that? Depending on how they turn out, maybe some of you might be interested in an authentic Picture of Doom, eh?
Or not. Whatever. For now, here is another binary drawing of absolute doomness. I promise more tales of intrigue and delirium before the week is over. But none of this matters to any of you right? Because no one reads this blog anymore anyways. I guess everyone is tired of me recycling the same Illustrator tools over and over, thus making all my brilliant masterworks look the same. Sorry. How about this?
Mr. Coffee Mug (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
I awoke this morning and prepared for the day in the exact fashion a lot of other people do. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and got dressed; as I have done for years and years on weekday morning. At some point during my day, whether it be at work or at home, I check the stats of my blog (which no one appears to be reading anymore so tell your friends). With that stat checking comes a list of search terms people have used to find me. What I saw today absolutely blew my mind. I literally had to pick bits of my brain off the floor after reading this one single search term. It was so good (disturbing) that I can’t even make up a story to go along with it. It speaks for itself.
I guess I’ve left you wondering for long enough. Here it is, what could be the best search term in the history of search terms…
Wait, you did what? Some poor bastard woke up with their mother giving them some sweet oral pleasure before school? I’m not sure if this person was dreaming or not but one thing is for sure - it’s probably about time you move out and got your own place.
Happy Ending from Mother (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
I wish I knew what type of results the internet has provided him. And better yet, why is he searching results on the internet when he should be speaking to his local child services or police department. I would probably kill myself if I ever woke up with this same dilemma but that’s me. I’m not exactly sure how that search brought him here but I hope some Picture of Doom brought him the answer he was looking for. What say you?
I often think of life at an old age. My Grandfather is currently rotting in a nursing home, immobile, unable to feed himself or speak, suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia. His body is there but his mind left long ago. When I see him now, just a shell of the person he used to be, I can’t help but think about how he himself (if he was of sound mind) must think of the new him. No one ever says, “Can’t wait until I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.” I often joke with friends that I want to die at age 60. I don’t want to end up as my Grandpa is now. What is the point of that? No one wants to live like that, no matter how much we fool ourselves.
I miss the days of Jack Kevorkian. Say what you say about the man but I never really felt that he was doing anything wrong. If someone has some fatal illness and they choose to die on their own terms, who are we to say that’s wrong? We do it to dogs and cats all the time - whenever something goes wrong with them, we put them to sleep. Why can’t I put myself to sleep, should the time come?
I miss my old Grandpa. I had a dream last night that he called me on the phone.
“Grandpa, you can talk again?” I asked.
He replied, “Yes, but only for a second, so you have to listen up.”
“Okay, what’s going on?”
“I need you to do me a favor. You have to come, put me out. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”
“What do you mean Grandpa?”
“You know what I’m talking about. So hurry up, I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t worry, I won’t fight it.”
Then I woke up. It’s weird to have a dream like this, as I’ve often had these sorts of thoughts in my head during my normal, non-sleeping, state. And there it was, in my dream. Part of me can’t help but think this is indeed what my Grandpa wants. Somewhere in his body resides his normal self, screaming to be released. And he is trapped.
Take me away from this… (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
I saw Total Recall last night at the Universal Cineplex and I have to say… I think a chapter of my life is now complete. Actually, let me think about that for a second. The print wasn’t in the best of shapes. It was missing an entire scene. The scene with Quaid talks to Melina for the first time, in her room at the bar. She slaps him for some reason, then it cuts to Benny (the cab driver) who is rubbing a chick with three boobs and says, “Baby, you make me wish that I had three hands.” To which the three-breasted hooker replies, “You’re doing just fine with two.” That entire sequence was vanished from existence. My guess is that the print was too old and that particular section was badly damaged. So instead of a few weird chops in story, some smart projectionist took at the whole sequence as if it never happened at all.
That was really my only beef. I have a long history with this film. I was in 4th grade when this movie came out on video. One lonesome Friday night of that year, I stayed at my dad’s house. He was going out that night so he said he would rent me a movie to keep me company. Because really, VHS tapes do make the best babysitters. Regardless, my sadness of his absence was completely erased when he handed me a copy of Total Recall on video. When I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face, with blue tint, I lit up like Richard Pryor’s crack pipe. I knew nothing of what was to come with the film. I wasn’t as film savvy back then as I am now. All I knew is that Arnold would be killing people, as he always did back then, and it would be glorious.
I put it in the VCR (that was the DVD player of the 80s for all you young kids) and sat down on the floor, indian style, staring up at the television anxiously awaiting the oncoming slaughter. “Shit, it looks like there is a preview. Fuck that, I want to see Arnold!” This VCR didn’t have a remote and I was way too lazy to get up to fast-forward. I’d rather have something to complain about.
The trailer began. It started with some cheesy music playing over what appeared to be a large robotic head. “What is this?” I thought. I kept staring… something about all this looked greatly familiar to my 9 year-old brain. It kept going. It was clear to me that the trailer was showing us a robot being constructed and this robot was familiar to me. This was going to be a teaser for another Terminator film.
The robot was then put into this giant case and some words read, “Cyborg Tissue Generation.” The machine opened back up and sure enough, Schwarzenegger came out, complete with one red eye. “T2″ then slammed across the machine and it was literally the first time I ever came. “Fuck Total Recall, I want T2!” For a brief second, I was upset at my dad for bringing me this crap instead of a new Terminator film. Before I had time to process that thought, more words sprung across the screen that would horrify me. “Summer 1991.”
“Wait, what? When is that?” I ran as fast as I could to calender. It was still 1990. I had months to wait for this movie. “Why would God do that to me?” I wondered. “Why would he tease me so?” You can see what I am talking about by clicking here.
I went back to the room with the VCR, looking at the TV in defeat. “You son of a bitch,” I said to it. After a few moments of mourning, I decided to hit the play button again, and check out this Total Recall shit.
To my surprise, the movie blew my 9 year-old mind away. This movie had enough blood and guts in it to keep my fragile little mind at ease. Plus, it had a chick with three boobs! What 9 year-old kid wouldn’t have a good time here? Total Recall is the best fucking babysitter in the entire world.
“Baby, you make me wish I had three hands.” (Michael Ferraro - 6/2008)
In other news, some of my doodles have been appearing in other places. For instance, I drew Joebecca a new header (see it here) and some Vaginale for Hole (see it here). And be a Pictures of Doom Facebook fan by clicking here. Hopefully that works.
