Toy Machine’s “Jump off a Building”

I used to skateboard back in my youth. I wasn’t very good though. There was this company, Toy Machine, and they used to make these crazy skate videos. My friends and I would watch them over and over, and marvel at their skills. Here is a cover of one of their videos:

It’s called “Jump off a Building” (obviously), yet the cover has someone jumping off a bridge. That always perplexed me. Perhaps photoshop wasn’t that big when the video came out (1998 or so). So I decided to do the great crew at Toy Machine a favor. I drew them a new cover, should the future 25th Anniversary Special Edition DVD ever need one.

Jump off a Building (9/2007)

Portrait of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…

I do indeed hope I spelled that correctly. He is the current president of Iran and a person who makes me laugh. Based on what he said in this here video, about the non-existence of homosexuals in his country, I was inspired to draw a portrait of him. And yes, I know… it doesn’t much look like him.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)

 

I can see your green underwear through that sheet you call a dress…

I love college. Let me rephrase that… I love learning stuff at college. The actual college life? Not so much for me. Fraternities and weird date-rape antics, not my style. I loathe the fall semester, as I have to walk around campus and see all the fraternity signs and the kids wearing shirts letting you know they are “rushing” or whatever.

But fraternities are the least of my problems in the world of college. It’s the rest of the people. Now, I am not as young as a good portion of the students I’m surrounded by. I’m a 26 year-old working man in a sea of 18 – 22 year-olds. A giant portion of these kids don’t really have jobs, outside of scooping ice cream 10 hours a week, and live on campus. I guess with the living on campus thing, a lot of them decide that they really don’t care about how they look while walking from class to class.

I’ve taken mostly night classes (as I work during the day) and I can’t tell you how many girls wear pajama bottoms to class. Or those fucking ridiculous short shorts with something clever on written on the ass, like ‘princess’ or something. Or wearing actual pink shorts with ‘pink’ written on the ass, just in case you’re color blind. A good portion of guys at my school aren’t aware that most shirts come with sleeves. Or that sandals aren’t meant to be worn with socks.

I could literally go on and on and on, for months, about this. Yesterday though, I saw something pretty amazing. And by amazing, I mean downright putrid. This bigger girl, with crazy tattoos, was wearing this white dress thing that looked more like a sheet or a curtain. Not because of it’s size or anything, but because of it’s pattern. It was pretty see-through. See-through enough for me to accidentally see her crazy green bra, and her even crazier green panties (I don’t know why but I really hate that word), clear as day. It grossed me out so much, that I saw it for like 20 minutes afterwards, every time I blinked, just like when you stare at the sun for too long. Are you not aware of nude colored underwear? I am a dude and I know about that shit… why doesn’t she?

Excuse me, they make nude… (9/2007)

Man Urinates on Dying Woman for Youtube…

Apparently, smoking weed can get you to do anything. Like this English kid, who noticed one his older neighbors was passed out in a hallway. He tried waking her up by pouring a bucket of water on her, and when that didn’t work, he tried something different. He urinated on her, while exclaiming, “This is youtube material!” while recording it with his mobile phone. What an idiot. The women ended up dying but before all of this happened to her.

Golden Shower for Youtube (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)

 

John McTiernan goes to jail.

John McTiernan is one of my favorite 80s/early 90s action film directors. Behind such hits as Die Hard, Die Hard With a Vengeance, and Predator (as well as crap like the remakes of Rollerball and The Thomas Crown Affair), he used to the man at one point.

But apparently he got himself involved in some wiretapping conspiracy that landed him a prison sentence. I guess we shouldn’t expect anymore old school MGM remakes from him for a while. Think Hollywood will give him another shot? If they can Victor Salva, convicted pedophile, another shot, why not McTiernan too.

McTiernan Behind Bars (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)

Dear Britney Spears,

Unholy fuck. It appears that I can’t walk around a grocery store or a book store, or even open up a web browser, these days without seeing a picture of your weird face. Since I know how annoyed I am at the subject, I can only imagine how you must feel. So I decided to write you this letter in hopes to give you some advice on how to handle your too-much-media-coverage situation.

But let me preface the advice-giving for a second by letting you know how I feel about you. I pretty much hate you. I never thought you were talented or good looking. I was a senior in high school when you started blowing up the charts with your shitty bubblegum pop music and all the degenerate guys who worked at the theater I worked at loved you. They even hung posters of you in the manager’s office. I tried to keep out of trouble so I’d never have to go in there and see it. So thank you for that.

Why do all your songs sound the same? Why do you sing about the same things? Who cares if you’re Britney, bitch… you need to sing some new songs. Oh, I have an idea… how about you try and write a fucking song for once? I’d love to hear that song. I can only imagine that it’d be your finest hour…

Sorry for all the ellipses, I can’t stop laughing at the thought you working a pen and a pad. What? You don’t know what ‘ellipses’ are? Simply put, they are three dots, or periods, next to each other without spaces (like this: ‘…’), which usually represent a pause in thought. But I digress. How about I go onward to the advice I was offering?

1. So there is this article of clothing that has been invented since, well, a long time ago I guess. It’s called “underwear” and people wear it to protect their genitalia from the outside elements, wandering eyes, and even the lens of the paparazzi. Being a victim of accidentally stumbling across your vagina twice now, I felt the urge to plead with you: go to Wal-Mart (or Target or Victoria’s Secret or Sears or fucking JC Penny) and buy yourself a couple of pairs. They come in multi-packs, so you should be good to go with about $20.00. They even come in a multitude of shapes, like thong or bikini, for all your styling needs. We’re all grateful that you at least keep your junk maintained but man, is all that extra flapage necessary? You need to keep that thing out of view from children. If I saw what you’re packing when I was a wee kid, I wouldn’t have grown up to appreciate the vagina like I do now. I would have been terrified of it instead.

 

Underwear for Britney (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)

2. Be careful when you drive. In case your mother never taught you, hit-and-runs are not cool. They hurt people in fact. Plus, you get in a lot of trouble when you get caught. Who wouldn’t want a piece of your bankroll? I tell you what… next time you feel the urge to hit someone and flee, hit ME. I could really use the coin.

3. This bit of advice came to me by way of Paul Walker. He once said, “All these people who complain and bitch about it [paparazzi]… move. Get the fuck out! You don’t like the press, why the hell are you shopping on Rodeo Drive? Come on, it’s easy to disappear if you want to.” If you only followed his advice, you probably wouldn’t have the custody problems you have currently. Move out of California. Then you can give whomever a hummer on whatever balcony you want, without worrying if some camera is going to tape it. You may even be able to skip advice #1 if you lived in some place like Nebraska, because no one would give a shit you were there.

I think I could give you more advice (like maybe putting your kid in a child’s seat from time to time or just stop making albums already) but I think these three points are a great start for you. I wish you nothing but the best Britney, I really do. I can’t wait for the day when I am waiting in line at Publix, with a stack of bananas, and I won’t see your face or your money-maker on some magazine.

Take care of yourself kid.

Best Regards,

Michael Ferraro

PS. Loved your performance at this year’s VMAs. It was like you were channeling Elizabeth Berkley’s character from Showgirls or something. I haven’t laughed that hard since Tony Danza flipped a go-cart on his giant head. Good job.

Brad Pitt and Darren Aronofsky – Together Again?

Back in 2002 or something, director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream) embarked on an adventure to Australia to film his newest film, The Fountain. With him, he brought Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett to star. But something happened during that fateful production – Pitt ended up packing up his stuff and walking away, leaving the film to rot.

Mr. Aronofsky (I’m sorry I didn’t draw this… picture found via Google.)

Thankfully for us, Aronofsky got another shot to make the film (this time with a lot less money), with Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz replacing the original cast. The Fountain finally came out near the end of 2006 and it seemed that not too many critic folk enjoyed it all that much. I, on the other hand, loved every second of it. I loved it enough to watch it three times during its week-long theatrical run. And even though the picture quality on the DVD release sucked my balls, I’ve still watched it a good amount of times since I bought it.

Now that The Fountain has come and gone, Aronofsky has lined himself up for another project entitled, The Fighter. Due out in 2009, it was originally to star Matt Damon as the brother of a fighter who ends up involving himself in criminal activity (or something like that). Word around the campfire today however, courtesy of Cinematical, is that Damon had to drop out.

Who is to replace him? None other than Brad Pitt. Did Aronofsky not learn from that first go-round? Let’s just hope that this film shoot doesn’t experience any of The Fountain’s problems. Aronofsky is one of my favorite filmmakers, so I hope I don’t have to wait another 6 years to see another film by him.

James Rolfe’s Shit Pickle…

Youtube has videos of just about anything. I know this because of this video right here. It’s called Shit Pickle and it was created by James Rolfe (AKA The Angry Video Game Nerd). Currently, he is the #9 most subscribed director on Youtube. That’s quite an accomplishment, considering any monkey with a camera and/or editing software and/or a computer can have a Youtube account and create “films” and videos.

But Rolfe’s video game reviews make me laugh. His trips down the 8-bit memory lane remind me of my youth. He also used to do these segments called You know what’s bullshit?, but he hasn’t made one these in a while. Regardless, here is my ode to Shit Pickle.

Shit Pickle (9/2007)

Danielle Harris, where art thou?

Yesterday’s entry got me thinking about something. I asked myself, “What other films do I constantly reference for no reason?” The answer is pretty simple: Tony Scott’s The Last Boy Scout (1991). Screenwriter Shane Black (Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and Lethal Weapon) has an amazing way to craft character and unforgettable lines of dialogue. TLB contains one of the most amazing portrayals of marriage I’ve ever seen.

And it could it be a coincidence that this film came out the same year as my other favorite movie, Terminator 2? I think not. If you’ve yet to see The Last Boy Scout, or think it’s just another mindless action flick, give it another shot. You’ll be surprised. Die Hard purists are sure to flame me for this one but I am here to say that The Last Boy Scout is Bruce Willis’ best movie. And yes, I also love me some Die Hard.

In this film, Willis plays Joe Hallenbeck, a down and out private investigator with a new case to solve. A young Danielle Harris, from Halloween 4 & 5, plays his angry daughter. Their relationship is priceless and she is yet another reason why this film is so perfect. Needless to say, all these years later, I am still intrigued by her screen presence (even though she just appeared in Rob Zombie’s shitty remake of John Carpenter’s Halloween but I would have taken that paycheck too).

Some news hit my years that Harris will be appearing in my town at some goofy convention called Screamfest, from October 19 – 21. You can bet your ass I am going to be there. Also, the cast of the best Friday the 13th (part 3) will be there too. What a show…

Stars with Danielle Harris (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)

 

Man hides dildos in meat…

Guy wants to transport fake dongs to Dubai… how does he try to get them there? Hide them in sausages. No one will look there… Ugh. Reuters has the story for you, I have this picture:

Watch Your Meats (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)