Happy Halloween…

This, among many, is a holiday I don’t really do too much on. But I drew this picture for you guys.

The Wolf Man and The Creature (10/2007)

Dead man loses fingers even though his ID was found in hand…

“Wait, what?”

Reuters posted a story last week about a dead man’s fingers being cut off for identification purposes, despite the fact that his ID was in his cold dead hand. I don’t know who to feel bad for… the guy who has to stick his fingers together for the funeral service or the corpse whose fingers were unjustly removed.

Where’s me fingers? (10/2007)

Today’s entry is short… maybe I am getting ready for Halloween.

The detective who showed me death…

I’m in this Sociology of Murder class. It’s pretty awesome, as all we talk about are weird murder cases and what not. My teacher is a captain of detectives or something in my city. The other day, he brought in one of his detectives to talk to us about some of the real life cases he’s worked on in town. I was pretty excited about the whole thing.

Funnily enough, both my teacher and the detective sported a mustache. Two walking cop clichés right there in front of me. Long sleeve dress shirts, plain colored ties, tie clips, and mustaches. This new detective was pretty funny. I imagined him to be that cop who says crazy shit during interrogations. My teacher was the quiet type, the “good cop” to this guy’s “bad cop.”

Anyways, this guy walked up to the front of our classroom and said, “Okay guys, so I am going to show you some pictures. They are not for the weak of stomach or the faint of heart. If you have to leave, that’s totally fine. Your teacher will see you next week.”

I knew exactly what was going down. He was to show us people of dead people. And dead people, he showed us. Hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of dead people. Suicides by hanging, gun shots, stabs, people who jumped off buildings, strangulations, and even a guy who was shoved in a toilet. This guy has seen it all.

The best part is that this guy would joke about each picture while most of my class was horrified. Me and this other kid were the only ones laughing. Is it weird that I think dead people are funny?

Interestingly enough, was how some people killed themselves. 80% of the suicide pictures he showed us, the people got naked first. Like they didn’t want to fuck up their outfits with blood or brain particles. What about the fucking carpet?

Careful with that Rope (10/2007)

Top 12 Films to Watch on Halloween

What did you say about my mother? (10/2007)

Most of this list is pretty obvious, as every other website on the planet has posted damn near the same titles, but who cares. This is the list of films I am going to watch (or already have watched) around the Halloween season, and a quote that makes them so damn memorable.

1. The Exorcist (William Friedkin, 1973) – “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.”
2. The Thing (John Carpenter, 1982) – “We’re going out to give Blair the test. If he tries to make it back here and we’re not with him… burn him.”
3. Friday the 13th Part 3 (Steve Miner, 1982) – “Well first we take our clothes off, then you get on top of me or I can get on top of you.”
4. Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931) – “You have created a monster, and it will destroy you!”
5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Tobe Hooper, 1974) – “My family’s always been in meat.”
6. Nightmare on Elm Street (Wes Craven, 1984) – “He’s been in the John pukin’ since he saw it.”
7. The Wolf Man (George Waggner, 1941) – “You’re the gypsy that’s been filling his mind with this werewolf nonsense!”
8. Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks, 1974) – “Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide gorilla?”
9. Nosferatu (F.W. Murnau, 1922) – “It will cost you sweat and tears, and perhaps… a little blood.”
10. Evil Dead II (Sam Raimi, 1987) – “Your love was a lie and now she burns in hell!”
11. Halloween (John Carpenter, 1978) – “Death has come to your little town, Sheriff.”
12. Child’s Play (Tom Holland, 1988) – “You stupid bitch! You filthy slut! I’ll teach you to fuck with me!”

What are you watching this festive season?

Applying to Graduate School can suck it.

Hi, my name is Mike Bronson and I am 26 years-old. I’ve been working non-stop since I was 16. When I was 19, I got an Associate of Science degree in Film Production from some lame/expensive private school. When I was 21, I decided that film production isn’t for me. So I chose to go back to school and get a traditional degree at a real college. I then started to attend Community College, where I received a real Associates Degree when I was 24.

Now, I am about 5 or 6 weeks away from walking away from college with my Bachelor’s Degree. I thought this would be the end of it until I realized that there really isn’t money out there for a free-lance journalist like myself, and my day job isn’t exactly paying all my bills. I don’t think I can handle living this way, in a shitty apartment (because I can’t afford more), too much longer.

So I’ve contemplated going to Graduate School for my Master’s. Let me tell you how much getting there sucks.

Now, if you want to go to a traditional University, most graduate programs require you take some fucking test before you even apply. Like the GMAT or the GRE – these are like the SAT of the graduate world.

Let’s think about this a bit… so I just paid all this fucking money to get my Bachelor’s from some school, and now, I have to fucking prove I am worthy to further my education by taking another fucking test? And do you know how much it costs to take the GRE? $140 – where is this money supposed to come from? If you are a little bitch who is supported by your parents still, even though you are in your 20s, then you can come up with that no problem.

But what about we poor folk? Anyway, to prepare myself for this monstrosity, I took a prep-course (which cost about $500). You see, there is math on this bitch of a test. My professional career doesn’t require math (journalism), my master’s requirements don’t require math; so why the fuck do I have to take a math test?

On top of that, pretty much all the schools I am applying to require you to submit your resume (mine has some sweet buttery biscuits of stuff on it), a 15-page critical essay of some sort, and a 2 page personal essay outlining your professional goals. An essay outlining my professional career and goals? Isn’t that what a fucking resume is for? Don’t people get their Master’s in something because they want to further their career and make more money?

Bronson’s Drained Head (10/2007)

“People want to get their Master’s so they can work in an area they are passionate about dude.”

Fuck that, the sole purpose of working is to make money. If you really, really, wanted to do something for the love of it, you wouldn’t be working for someone – you’d be doing it on your own. We work in environments that are tolerable, not out of love.

When one applies for a Master’s Program, that should be enough when a resume is included. If you have your Bachelor’s in English Education, and you apply for a Master’s in English Education, is it really that fucking confusing to the people in admissions as to what this person wants to do in their career?

I understand that some people just aren’t worthy enough to get their Master’s at some prestigious school but shit, what about the schools anyone can get into? I got into the University of Central Florida without taking the SAT, and my high school grades weren’t all that great either (I even failed 9th grade twice but I still got my diploma on time because I worked my ass off those last two years). Anyone can get into college, so why make the admissions process so fucking annoying?

End of rant.

Top 15 Song Titles of Charles Bronson

“No dude, Charles Bronson can’t have song titles. He’s an actor.”

Charles Bronson wasn’t only an actor. That name was also used to name one of grindcore’s most lovable groups. Charles Bronson was infamous for their awesome song titles, short song durations, and their incredible dedication to one of cinema’s most iconic actors.

This Jump-kicking Squirrel and the Wave of Vengeance (10/2007)

Their stuff is a little hard to find but not impossible. “Youth Attack” is the name of their most well-known recording but each song on this list can be found on a massive collection disc called “Complete Discocrappy.” You can find it on Amazon. The most notable thing about this collection is that the first disc contains 99+ songs. Insane in the membrane.

15. “The Only Time I Think of Romance is When I Wonder Why I Don’t Think About It”

14. “As Fucked as Gator“

13. “I Can Never Write Too Many Songs About Morons Like You”

12. “Fuck Technology, I’ll Keep My Pocket Change”

11. “Average Run of the Mill Straight Edge Song”

10. “(Fuck Being) Positive”

9. “Marriage Can Suck It”

8. “Bible Thumpers Go to Hell”

7. “Obligatory Jock Slaughter Song”

6. “Phil Anselmo’s Pain Burns in the Heart of My Little Brother”

5. “Couldn’t Fuckin’ Care Less”

4. “Let’s Start a Revolution So I can Break Some Shit”

3. “Let’s Start Another War So I can Sing a Song About Stopping It”

2. “So What if I Puked Up McDonalds?”

1. “They Should Legalize Drugs So You Can Hurry Up and Die”

Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,

I have gone to your shops every morning for coffee since 2003. I love Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Unlike that shitty Starbucks garbage, your coffee actually tastes like coffee; not some burnt elephant feces mixed with cream and sugar. Seriously, kudos on not selling out to that new-age, rich white people coffee shit.

On top of ordering a coffee every morning, I usually tag team that with something like a donut or a croissant to fill my stomach with excitement. On most days however, I tend to go for the classic – the bagel with cream cheese. Here’s where the problem lies.

Is it really necessary to put a 6″ thick wall of cream cheese between the bagel halves? I mean seriously, why so much cream cheese? I can scrape off the extra cream cheese from my Monday bagel and use it on all my bagels throughout the week and still have some left over. Seriously, how is the world’s cream cheese supply not in danger from you people?

Too Much Cream of Cheese (10/2007)

“Why don’t you ask for a lighter amount?”

Come on, you think I haven’t tried that in the past 3 or 4 years? If I say, “Can you only put on a little please?”, they put a paper thin layer of it on. You can’t even taste it. And if you say something like, “Can you just put on a normal amount?”, they put that brick between it again. Who the fuck eats that much cream cheese? I go through like 75 napkins with each bagel I eat from you people.

“Why don’t you go somewhere else?”

I won’t go anywhere else because you really have the best coffee in town. There is a Burger King nearby but that place smells when you get too close to it. And their breakfast sucks anyway. I like not weighing over 200 lbs.

In closing, would it be possible for you to send out a little memo out to your managers? It could say something like this:

Team:

Can you please limit the amount of cream cheese you put on bagels from here on out? That stuff isn’t free. There is no reason why a single bagel should have $4.32 worth of cream cheese on it. Especially when the bagel itself costs about $1. There really is no need for it. It’s not like we’re going to pay you more than $6.00 an hour because you used up all the cream cheese. Use your heads people.

Sincerely,

The Dunkin’ Donuts Higher Up Rich White Guy

I hope this helps you. I would love to grab a bagel from Dunkin’ Donuts tomorrow and not have to spend 7 minutes (and 63 napkins) taking care of the cream cheese situation.

Regards,

Mike Bronson

The single word that describes me best…

Or is it “which describes me best…”? Anyway, I was reading this blog the other day and found myself in a sort of inspired mood. Apparently there is some online community out there that posts challenges for bloggers to tackle. The one attempted that I was reading was this:

You have a t shirt. You have to wear it all day, every day. It has one word about you, describing you in some way, written on it. It is from this word that strangers and friends draw their conclusions about you. What is your word, and why?

Describe yourself in one word on a t-shirt? Man, I have a hard time describing myself to others in anything smaller than a paragraph, but one word? That’s the business right there. I decided to take on this quest, however, no matter how long it would take. Sadly, it really didn’t take very long.

What word would I want to wear on a shirt that could describe me? It would have to describe everything about me. My hardships as well as my loves. Could this word also describe my looks and my persona? What about attitude, would it cover that too? This would have to encapsulate all of my misery, my misfortunes, my continual fuck-ups, my lack of finance, my newfound baldness, and my hatred towards guys who wear sleeveless shirts.

I played baseball as a youth for too many years to count. Would this word be able to describe that too? Or how about my 5 year attempt at skateboarding? This word would even have to inform others of my juggling abilities. And my progress as a freelance film critic. Or as an artist who gets paid for his work. It would even have to describe my brief career in filmmaking.

How can one single word say all that? After much time and debate, I found the right word. And I drew what it would look like on a t-shirt. And I would wear it everyday.

Cleaning Out My Closet (10/2007)

Screamfest 2007 – “Anyone here seen Richie?”

I wrote a blog for FT a while ago about a little film called Out for Justice. It’s a silly little film about a Brooklyn cop getting pissed that someone killed his partner, so he walks around punching people and smacking them in the mouth with a pool ball wrapped in some cloth. Ouch.

Seagal also runs around yelling, “Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?” In the beginning of the film, Richie (William Forsythe), walks up to Bobby Lupo and shoots him in the chest a couple of times. And he does it right in front of his wife and kids. Classic.

I went to a little Horror Convention called Screamfest 2007 this weekend in Orlando. Forsythe was there and everyone was going up to him with copies of “The Devil’s Rejects” or “Halloween (2007)” merchandise. But I said, “Fuck all that.” I went up to him with my “Out for Justice” laserdisc. You should have seen how happy he was to see a laserdisc – he actually stood up to marvel the glory.

So, I was also armed with a camera and a mic. I asked him if it was cool if I asked him one question on camera. He said, “Well, it depends what the question is.” So I told him. He said, “Fuck yeah, you ask me that.” So I asked him, “So, why did Richie do Bobby Lupo?”

His answer is simply too good to describe with words. I have it on video and promise to get up in a week or two. It’s quite classic.

David Benioff to tackle Cobain

Cinematical reported yesterday that screenwriter David Benioff is going to pen up a story about everyone’s favorite shotgun victim, Kurt Cobain. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Nirvana when he was alive and they were still making music. Now, every time I hear them on the radio, I change the channel. I guess you could say I am a bit Nirvana’d out.

With that said though, Benioff has a penned one of Spike Lee’s best films, The 25th Hour. It was one of the first real Hollywood films to focus on a group of characters living in post-9/11 New York City. Some of the clean up footage during the film is truly harrowing.

But then Benioff wrote that Wolfgang Peterson monstrosity called Troy. Man, did that movie hurt my anus. What will this Kurt Cobain adventure bring us? Even better, who cares anymore? Guy wrote sangs, made money, fucked Courtney Love, did heroin, shot himself. Not too much of a character to tackle.