“I like my breath to smell like shit so I can get funky.”

That delicious quote is by Old Dirty Bastard, AKA Big Baby Jesus, AKA some other names too.

This blog entry is yet another of mine dedicated to shit. People love to search various things about “shit” that I have yet to comprehend. Here are yesterday’s odd search choices that led people to Pictures of Doom:

• Feces taste in mouth
• How does poop taste?
  
• This ice tastes like shit
• Pictures of shit, poop, feces
  
• pictures of shit in the toilet

And this was just yesterday. One day worth of “shit” searching. Here are some of this week’s greatest hits:

• Shit in a toilet images
  
• How should feces look?
• Taste shit in mouth
• Mouth that taste like poop
• Shit in my mouth
• My mouth tastes like shit
• My breath tastes like poop
• What does shit taste like
• Poo in my mouth
• Images of pooping in mouth
• Shit bath pictures

So let’s recap – that’s 16 different searches, all relating to poop, that somehow led people here in the past 7 days. That’s an average of 2 per day. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Look how many relate to shit-in-mouth… I’ve done a lot of questionable things with my mouth in my day but I’ve never had that problem.

But to you people who found yourself here, looking for shit pictures or the like, I found this picture for you.

When I think of shit, this is what I think of. I imagine she smells just as bad too, especially when she enters your mouth.

Oh wait, I just discovered that someone searched, “What does dog cock taste like?” and found their way here. Are these people disappointed that nothing here helps them?

The Turkey I Didn’t Kill…

I went to my friend’s house for Thanksgiving this year (actually I go there every year apparently) and decided it’d be best if I reported the goings-on. She’s a vegetarian, so that means she doesn’t partake in eating animals that have been beheaded and cooked, or smashed in the head with a hammer and grilled. So every year for turkey day, we eat a micro-protein fake turkey. Basically, it comes in a tube (like a really fat sausage) and you cook it up for a bit. Then you slice it and eat it.

“What does it taste like though dude? Sounds gross…”

No, your face is gross. This shit is actually pretty good. Especially with some cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes. I am not a vegetarian either and I still enjoyed it (and have for the past few years). So this picture is dedicated to the turkey with the spared life…

The Sad Turkey (11/2007)

The time I shit on the toilet seat…

Romi’s entry today brought back a memory in me I haven’t thought about in some time. I was about 5 year-old in 1986. I was outside playing with some neighborhood kids when I felt the sudden urge to take a shit. When you’re a kid though, and you’re outside playing, running back to your house to take a shit is the last thing you want to do.

So I held it. And I held it for hours. By the time I made it back to my house, I thought I was going to explode. I couldn’t even run home either, because I was clenching my cheeks so tight, I was afraid something might shoot lose. I finally made it to the downstairs bathroom and shut the door. As I spun around and lifted the toilet seat, I started pulling down my pants and He-Man underwear. As I backed my ass to the seat, it happened.

I just couldn’t couldn’t hold it any longer. It came out right before I sat down and landed on the seat. I turned around and looked at it for a minute. My dad still lived with us at the time, and he came in and said, “What the hell did you do that for?”

I explained to him what had happened and he responded with, “It’s bad to hold it in you know.” Now, 21 years later, my dad still tells that story as if it happened yesterday. Now, I am not embarrassed at all by this story. But pops adds all these details that simply never happened. Take a look at the diagram.

How I remember it is represented on the left side. A simple duke on the toilet seat itself; no more, no less. My dad claims there was shit everywhere – on the walls, on the bowl, on the floor. Sometimes, he even says that I drew pictures and shit, like of houses and dogs and smiley faces. This claim is represented on the right side. It’s like Rashomon all over again. Which side is the real truth?

Stupid 1st-Grader

When I was in 1st grade, my teacher, Mrs. Bowman, asked us to write a story about an animal and draw a picture to go with it. My story was about a snake. It was only about 3 sentences long, which is all she asked us to do, but I was a stupid little kid. I spelled “snake” wrong. Every time it was written.

So my story was called, “The Sad Snack”. Yes, I wrote a story that was intended to be about a snake, but instead it became about a lonely snack. After my teacher graded it, she called me to her desk. “You’re probably the dumbest kid in this class and you need to learn how to spell.” Some things never change.

The Snack in the Grass (11/2007)

“Why does my mouth taste like feces?”

It’s become a new trend for bloggers to post the most ridiculous search entry terms people have typed into Google to find their blog. I’ve even done it before. But I was inspired to do it again today, when I noticed that someone typed, “why does my mouth taste like feces?” into a search engine, and somehow found their way to Pictures of Doom.

“Breath be stinkin’ like a girl’s poo-poo.” (11/2007)

Now, I am not typing that into a search engine to see what page or picture of mine comes up. I like the mystery of it all. Secondly, who the fuck would type that into a search engine and why would they do so? If your mouth tastes like shit, you have way bigger problems at hand. Take a look around your room, find out who you slept with last night/what you may have put in your mouth, etc.

There are other questions in the list too and since people found their way here by entering weird shit, I guess it’s my duty to give them some answers…

1. “Why does my mouth taste like feces?” A toothbrush and some mouthwash will cure that, no problem. Where did you sleep last night?
2. “Do you know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?” I actually do have the answer for this. I asked the man himself. See it for yourself by clicking here.
3. “What if I kill myself?” Then I will have one less idiotic question to answer here. Please don’t do that. Stupidity is what we thrive on.
4. “What animals kill ostriches?” Pissed off ones I am guessing.
5. “What’s an elephant’s cock size?” Wow. Is someone doing research for a new niche of bestiality or what?

Amy Winehouse has some crazy teeth…

I keep seeing these pictures of Amy Winehouse all over the place. With each new picture I see, there is an unpleasant feeling the lower region of my body. What is wrong with this chick? Why does she look like a raccoon? Why does she have less teeth than a group of semen on your little brother’s bedroom floor? My mind simply refuses to believe that any living human being has had any exciting feelings towards this girl as she lowers her clothes. She is indeed a hideous creature.

All Out of Heroin: The Amy Winehouse Story (11/2007)

The Sad Giraffe

The last time you saw this fine giraffe, he was hungry. Now he is sad and I am not too sure why.

Go Away Sunny Day (11-2007)

Punching Christmas Trees in the Face…

I don’t know what it is lately but this holiday business is making me angry. I haven’t been this angry at the holidays in a really long time. What is wrong with me? Could it be my decent towards the 30s without really having anything to show for it but debt and a lack of career that matters?

I was walking around the mall the other day and I saw holiday decorations galore. Everywhere I looked. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet – what’s the hurry? You mind as well leave them up all year round at this point. And keep we non-holiday types angry.

Punching Trees in the Face (11/2007)

The time of misery is upon us…

I love the winter time. Even though I live in Florida, and winter is pretty much non-existent, I still enjoy those few days of the year when the temperature goes below 90 degrees. In 2006, I went to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. It was January and the weather there was awesome. Every minute that I wasn’t at a screening, writing, drinking, or sleeping, I was outside enjoying the 10 – 20 degree air. Some thought I was crazy but cold air seriously rocks my balls.

With it, however, comes the holiday season. Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah – all that bullshit. Everyone gets happy all of the sudden, like their lives only make sense this one month out of the year.

I walk around the mall now, before Thanksgiving is even here, and I see lights and giant red balls hanging on trees. Soon, I’ll see Mr. Claus bumbling around. When will January be here? Not soon enough.

Santa and Frosty (11/2007)

So it ends for now…

Last night, I was in a mood. Though I had just wrote an entry about the glorious growth of a beard as winter finds its way home, I decided to cut it. It will grow back. But then I decided to cut further. I shaved my head. I haven’t done this since, like, 1996, when I was in high school still.

There is something about the cool air surrounding my head when I walk outside. I like it. But don’t worry, my hair will be back real soon. For now, beanies will be a lot more snug on my dome…

What now then? (11/2007)