This post is meant to serve as warning to all rapists and sharks out there. Actually, more like a repellent to said creatures. Is someone trying enter one of your orifices that shouldn’t be? Don’t do what everyone else thinks you should do… do not go for the balls. Do not punch a rapist or a shark in the balls. That would just piss them off. You’re liable to get punched so hard, you’ll get knocked out. Next thing you know, you woke with someone’s boys and girls oozing out of you, or with one of your legs missing.
So I propose a new strategy. Go for the fucking eyes. Let them get close to you – real close. Then, take a good hold of their head with your fingers, and JAM your fucking thumb so hard into their eye sockets, their poor little balls of optic delight ooze out of the socket.
“But why would I do that? That’s so disgusting.”
Because if you blind them, they won’t be able to see you. They will flail their arms in crazy directions but you can just get up and run/swim away. Turning them into Ray Charles is much better than the alternatives. Plus, think about how badass you’ d be to your friends and neighbors. Use your thumbs.
The Eyes of a Rapist (5/2008)
It’s also a sure fire way to see if someone is faking a seizure. One poke in the eyeball and if they are faking it, they will stop pretty damn quick to protect their eyeball.
I like this strategy, but I go even further. When I’m out walking alone at night, I bring a bag of my dog’s feces with me. Then, when the shard-rapist tries to attack me, I attack his eyes with deuce-dipped fingers. What do you think?
Evyl: Faking seizures has never really been that big of a problem with the people I’ve encountered in my lifetime. And I used to live in Jersey, so there is that.
Abarclay: Your shit-eye suggestion is simply brilliant. Nothing says “stop raping me” like blinding a motherfucker with a shit-finger.
You should teach a self-defense course…is there anything else I need to know?
Am i here for the sole purpose of poking holes into your “how to life” tips? this only helps girls who are tall enough to reach a rapists eyes, Unless the girl is lucky enough to be raped by a leperchaun(i guess if your being raped, its never lucky), she’s gonna have to wait until she’s grinding on his tool to even reach his eyes!! You should do an updated version of how not to be violated by rapists and sharks, but add bears, and if you are short twist his man nipples.