Poop, Bloody Poop.

A few weeks ago, something happened to me that would forever change my life. It was something that rarely a person talks about, but since it happened to me and I love sharing gross shit, it seems that it is all the more common. But before I dive into the subject, gloves in hand, let me set the stage.

It was a weekday night. About 10:30 to be exact. I was up for almost 24-hours (as I hold 2 jobs) and couldn’t wait to fall asleep. Saima was over too – we just got done watching some crappy movie of some sort. There was something that had to be done. I had to drop a deuce before the sleep could happen. So there I went, and all felt natural with the way it came out. Didn’t even think twice about it. Until I stood up and wiped. I looked down into the bowl; there was something terribly wrong.

I expected to see some vaguely clear water with a brown friend inside, only this wasn’t the case. Instead, the water was a blood-red color. Want me to get even grosser? The toilet paper I wiped my bum with was covered with blood. “What the fuck?” I said, without even being able to freak out. I am only 27 years-old… I am too young to shit blood.

I must have looked in that bowl for 15 minutes. What could I do? Should I call Saima in here? No one ever wants their special lady friend to have to see their poop. But this wasn’t poop. Was it? After a few more minutes of contemplation, I finally mustered up the courage to call her over to the bathroom. She comes from the living room.

“What is it, are you okay?” she asks.

“Um, there is a little something wrong I think. But I don’t want to show you.”

“Then why did you call me over here?”

“Good question… I guess I want you to look at my poop. I think there is something wrong.”

I think at this time she thought I was joking because everyone knows how I like to joke and kid about gross shit all the time. After a few seconds, I guess she could see the electric worry coming from my face.

“Okay, let me see.”

Somebody Call an Ambulance (1/2009)

She slowly, and I mean slowly, advanced towards the bowl. My bathroom is the size of a testicle and it still took her 4 minutes to make it to the bowl. Her eyes were open super wide but you could tell she was apprehensive towards the sight of anything.

She finally tilted her head down, towards the murder scene. After a hesitation, she said, “We need to take you to the hospital.” What a trip that was. We went to the emergency room at 11:00pm and were released at 3:30am. During that time, some doctor guy stuck his finger in my asshole and fucking rotated it. It was then when I decided that I have no idea how anyone on this planet can take a cock in their ass. It certainly is something I hope to never be apart of.

It was a pain I shall never forget*.

And now I share this story with my friends at cocktail parties. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was telling this tale round a group of friends. They all laughed and such, then my chum Big J says, “Hey man, that’s happened me to me a few times but it’s always after a heavy night of drinking and smoking. I thought it was normal.” I guess every one shits blood; only they aren’t ready to admit it.

*Author’s Note: My asshole is now good to go and I am once again completely healthy (if you exclude all the drinking).

“What’s this on my head?”

I went to a gathering of sorts with a mostly male audience Friday night. I was up for over 24-hours (thanks to my crazy work schedule) but decided the evening would best be spent with an adult beverage or two. After a few of those and a quick round of Power Crank (this is a game invented by my friend John and I – involving one shot of beer every minute for the duration of the film), I passed out faster than a deer with buckshot in its brain. When I woke up the next day, I noticed something drawn on my freshly shaved head.

Dreams of Sweetness (1/2009)

The funny thing is, I didn’t notice it until after I threw up the next morning. I did the business, then headed to the sink to wash my mouth out. After some moaning, rinsing, and rubbing, I looked in the mirror. I noticed some Sharpie colors on the side of my head. I turned my head slowly to see what the business was. But before I saw it in full, I already knew there would be a penis — a donger — right there on my dome.

“Shit, I’ve been had!” I thought.

Then I chuckled. I probably would have done the same thing if I noticed a bald guy sleeping on the couch. Only the Michaelangelo who drew this reproductive organ on my head wasn’t too skilled in the art of illustration, like yours truly. This cock was so small; small as if it just exited a cold pool or ocean. It was frightened. Scared. Alone.

Should I have illustrated it, it would have been glorious. Like this one a student of mine drew in my classroom. This bastard covered a whole desk with a cock the size of a small child. You should have seen it; this thing was huge. It could’ve conquered New York City. This one on my head though, couldn’t conquer an ant hill.

To the illustrator of the penis on my cranium, kudos to you. I had a good laugh and thankfully, it wasn’t hard to clean. In fact, it was very limp.

Top Ten Films of 2008

“I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face!” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988).

There is no excuse as to why my absence here (and pretty much every website I’ve written for) has been so long without any word of return. So I will come back the only way I know how… by doing my favorite thing.

The Next One Will Be Better… (1/2009)

Summing up the year in cinema for the six people in my life (both in real life and internet life) that still know I exist, and even care about what I have to say about cinema. Especially now that the Oscar nominations are out. This goes out to you… even though we are so far into January now that no one will care.

“Willow, this is war, not agriculture.” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988)

I find myself putting together this list during a voluntary viewing of Willow on DVD. Not a good movie by any stretch but what humorless bastard out there doesn’t get a kick out of hearing Val Kilmer calling Warwick Davis (a fellow little person) a ‘peck’? Makes me smile every time.

Without further ado, and blabbering, I bring you this list. This list consists of my personal favorites of the year and to those of you who know me best, you may find it somewhat surprising.

Top Ten Best Films of 2008