Who buys CDs anymore?

Seriously. I know only a few friends of mine who still actually spend hard earned coin on CDs. I do. Even when there is only like $13.83 left in my bank account… I’ll probably spend that on a CD. That’s just how I roll.

There is something about a CD, or even a record, that gets me a little wet. The cover art, the smell, the photos, the lyrics printed, even the shiny disc. I like that shit. That magic doesn’t come from iTunes or downloading music for free.

Plus, I really like albums as a whole. I don’t just want to hear some shitty single on the radio. I want that and more. You can’t say you’ve heard a song until you’ve heard it in the context of the album. Artists write/make music with that in mind. A song is only a piece of the puzzle.

I asked my students one time what their favorite album was. They had no idea what I was talking about. Anyway, here is a list of the past 5 CDs I purchased lately, in no order at all:

1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz

Everything the YYYs did right with their last whole album (Show Your Bones) and EP (Is Is) has been wiped free from the slate. This new release is poppier, dancier, and less care free. The result doesn’t make a better listening experience, as I’ve given it two whole listens by now and I can’t say I am going back anytime soon.

2. Dan Auerbach - Keep it Hid

The lead singer of The Black Keys does the world a solid by releasing his first solo album that is just about as good as any album the Keys kicked out. It’s a lot more bluesy than most but that’s what makes it so special. This is definitely a good bar album (to rock with brews).

3. Weezer - The Red Album

Despite the fact that this band has been dead to me since they reformed in 2000, I can’t help myself from buying their albums every time they spit one out. After their last monstrosity (the Rick Rubin produced Make Believe), I wanted no part of them. But this album was a bit of a surprise. I think I may be alone when I say this but it is definitely their best release since the immortal Pinkerton. And the sad thing is, I actually spoke a lot of shit about this record upon its release. How the tides has turn.

Jessica’s Owl (4/2009)

4. Jessica Lea Mayfield - With Blasphemy So Heartfelt

Probably the most girly album I own, aside from some Norah Jones albums, but one you should seek for those not-so-happy days. I heard her on the last Black Keys record and it was enough to hunt this down. It was definitely worth it.

5. The Walkmen – You and Me

Not quite as effective as their last effort but still a decent enough one to merit a listen or to. This time the boys have calmed down a bit and worked a bit on their Bob Dylan impression. That doesn’t make it sucks.

**

Now if only Eminem’s new album would hurry up and get here. That would probably give me something to talk about, especially considering his last album wasn’t a very funny joke. I also need a new Clutch album…

Parents is Dumber – Texting Helps Your Kids Come Faster

Author’s Note: The following stories are all true. I’ve changed the names not only to safe face for the youth of today, but to save my own, as my job could probably be terminated should an authoritative type actually find this.

I’ve recently touched on the subject of parenting, basing all of my opinions on today’s youth and how they act in the classroom. How kids of today couldn’t live without a cellphone vibrating in their pockets for over 46 seconds. It’s the parents of today that perhaps need the education in etiquette.

I was on my lunch break the other day when a group of female students came into my class. One of them had to grab some missing work from some days she was absent, the others were there because they had nothing else to do.

It was about then when a male student of mine, let’s call him Steve, came into the classroom. He chatted with the girls a bit then headed towards my desk. The kid gave me a fist pounce before leaning towards me and asking, “Do you see that girl right there?”He pointed to one of the girls who was my student.

“Susie? Yes, I had her last period.”

He says, “Ah, I fucked her the other day,” then let out a laugh.

This kid is 16 years-old and the girl he pointed to is only 14. I wasn’t stunned at the fact that kids these young ages are fucking – you’d be a dumbass if you think your kid isn’t doing the same. But I was stunned at the fact that he just randomly told his teacher about his exploits, without showing any sort of respect for my title, age, or authoritative power. I gave him a lecture about how I am a lot nicer than other teachers but that doesn’t give him a reason to share his exploits with me. He has not shared any sort of information since then.

Susie often comes to my classroom during lunch with a group of 4-5 other students. Some of these students aren’t even mine – perhaps they see my classroom as a shelter from the storm of idiocy outside wandering about or in the cafeteria throwing food and openly talking about blow-jobs and “titty-fucking” (these are just a few of the examples I’ve heard while walking around).

Yesterday in class, Steve came up to me and told me he thinks he got someone pregnant. He told me with a smile on his face, as if it was the funniest thing in the world. I thought for a second about what I could tell him. Should I tell him that getting somebody preggers is the worst STD around when you’re that age? Should I tell him about The Three Ps?

I tried as best as I could to explain the severity of this notion. It wasn’t funny, cool, or cheap, and there definitely wasn’t a quick escape out of this one. This would last for at least 19 solid years.

Then I found out he was talking about 14 year-old Susie.

You know that movie Juno that came out a few years ago? About that pregnant white, 16 year-old suburbanite girl? I wasn’t so much a fan of that movie. When I saw it, I was pretty positive that the girl in that movie was too smart for her own good. 16 year-old white girls from suburbia aren’t that smart – they don’t know shit about Herschell Gordon Lewis (a really obscure filmmaker from the 60s – one of the best) or who the fucking Stooges are. They don’t. Want to bet me?

The first day of school this year, I ask my students a series of questions, as part of a “introduction” exercise. One of the questions was, “Who is Herschell Gordon Lewis?” Most thought it was my real name. The rest left it blank. Where do I live and teach? In the middle of suburban fucking America. And that shit won Best Original Screenplay… but I digress.

I Be Pregnant – Lol! (4/2009)

So 14 year-old Susie is pregnant. I couldn’t wait for lunchtime to roll around so her and her band of merry girls and boys would come to my class to eat their triangle tater-tots amongst the company of intelligence. I didn’t say anything about what I had heard.

She had no problem telling, out of nowhere, about the rumor going around about how she is pregnant. “It’s not true,” she said, after explaining how he wore a condom. I did nothing but shake my head.

However, I was a bit curious how this incident happened in the first place. So I asked how she got herself in such a situation. She began, “Well, he texted me out of the blue one day…”

I was too into that sentence to pay attention to the rest of her story. It all started with a simple text – and I hear stories like this all day. Anytime something happens that shouldn’t have, the story begins, “I got this text…” Variations include but are not limited to, “I got this text saying he fucked my mom…”; “I got this text saying to meet in the bathroom in 5 minutes…”; “I got this text saying she/he was ready…”

But I digress.

There are a million other teachers who would do the obvious “report to guidance or administration” to share these tales of childhood woe. And I have done that on many occasions only to find my efforts fail when their parents could care less. Perhaps I am just now desensitized to it all.

Now I think of these stories as mere entertainment. Is that wrong? These stories are better than Crank 2. The dramatics of high school seem to be at an all time high. If I had any sort of motivation, I’d be inspired to make a documentary.

Kids have always had sex – that’s just what they do. They did it in my generation, your generation, your parents generation; and they will continue to do so until out days end. When I lost my virginity during those lonely days of age 16, I didn’t run to school the next day to report it to my teacher. Nor did I send out a mass text to all my friends that read, “I fuk’d dat gurl finally, bro. It wuz sweet yo! Lol.”

Perhaps this generation gap is one which can’t be filled.

Read more “Parents is Dumber” by clicking these colored words.

“Goodbye My Sweet”

You know that sad giraffe you often see in my pictures?

Back in 2002, right around the time I wrote Rabbit and Future (which was then ruined by a certain Eminem movie), I wrote another story. It was called Goodbye My Sweet and it told the tale of a man named Bill, his wife Wendy, and his sad Giraffe. This is where he came from.

I’m not going to go into too much detail here about what the plot entails because, unlike Rabbit and Future, I have decided to remake this story.

“What does that mean to me?”

I am not sure yet but I have already started it up. You see, the story is simply too big for me to post in a blog entry here for you to see. So, since I will be unemployed soon and all, I’ve decided to embark on drawing it up again – modernizing it City Pictures of Doom style – for all of you to see. Want to see the original cover?

Goodbye My Sweet 2002 (2/2002)

Only I am going to go big this time. Last summer I mentioned that I would be doing some original paints for you to purchase at ass cheap prices. But that never actually happened, what with all the moving I did and so forth. That isn’t happening this time.

I already started beefing up the story (meaning I am re-drawing it from scratch). Also, in 2002, I noticed that my story lacked a little bit. The only way to fix that is to add a few new pages. What’s next?

The only thing I can do, aside from posting it here, is to get it printed.

“Wait… what?”

Yes, I am going to get it printed. Create a book with a nice layout and get a nice print job going for it. It will be the first ever City Pictures book.

“How can I get one?”

Goodbye My Sweet will be ready to ship in July. This new version will be in complete color, with redrawn characters, backgrounds, and more story. In the next month or two, I will post some pictures of the final product, a page sample, as well as pricing information and where you can get it. It’s going to be a super limited edition first (and probably only) pressing so you probably have to act fast. Again, those details will come.

This is one Crank that was yanked a bit too hard this time…

2006 was a fantastic year in cinema. And I am not talking about the Academy Awards or anything. Truth be told, I can’t even think of one single movie that was nominated for anything that year… and I am pretty on top of that shit.

No, I am talking about the year that brought us Wayne Kramer’s chaotic Paul Walker vehicle, Running Scared, and also the film-making team of Neveldine/Taylor and their frenzied Crank. These two movies were out to prove that R-rated action extravaganzas didn’t have to have $200 million budgets. They just need a little vulgarity, ridiculousness, nudity, violence, and a significant body count to keep the interest flowing.

And they both do it pretty fucking well – Crank especially. If you haven’t seen this film by now (you fucking loser), we follow Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) as he runs around Los Angeles looking for an antidote to something called the Beijing Cocktail. Apparently some low-level thugs injected him with it and the only way he can stay alive is by keeping his adrenaline levels on the high.

So he kills people, drives cars through malls, fucks, shoots more people, cuts a dude hand off, yells, breaks a tv I’m too poor to afford, etc. And for as ridiculous as this movie sounds, it’s actually a really well-made film to boot.

For example, in some movies, people go swimming. A cut or two later, the characters are instantly dry. Or they are made to look wet but they really aren’t. There is a part in Crank where Chelios jumps into a pool, yells at some dude, then gets out. He is dripping wet as he gets out of the pool, walks down a hall, keeps walking – cut after glorious cut – and then finally makes his way out of the building, still dripping wet.

This movie couldn’t be further from plausible yet it also has the balls to rock continuity’s asshole?

Even the camera shots are glorious. And all this (and more) was done with a modest budget.

On top of that, the film did have a few real moments. He is in love with a girl, played by Amy Smart, who is as ditzy as a dodo bird on crack. Dwight Yoakam plays his doctor to a pretty serious degree, and even delivers the best (and perhaps most serious) line in the whole film, “You’re a good dude.” In context with the movie, it’s pretty fucking touching. It was these semi-serious moments that kept the film grounded. They sort of made you care about these characters way more than you should. This is what made this film work so well.

At the end, however, Chev falls out of a helicopter and (fake) dies.

I didn’t want this to end. I wanted him to get up and deliver more havoc. Sometimes, dreams really do come true. Only they turn into nightmares.

The lady and I went to a midnight screening of Crank: High Voltage at a drive-in movie theater in Tampa called Funland. If any movie was made for a drive-in, it’d be a Jason Statham movie. I had high-low hopes for this movie. Because how can they fuck up this formula?

Today’s History Lesson (4/2009)

They can fuck it up by not giving a shit about it. High Voltage is everything Crank wasn’t and much more. Gone is any shred of caring for the audience. Calling this movie over-the-top doesn’t define it enough. It’s shocking for shock sake – that’s it. It was made for a laugh, not for a purpose. It somehow makes all the characters you loved in the first one giant pieces of annoying shit. I hated Chelios and the Doctor within the first act.

Even the filmmaking techniques were a huge downgrade from the first one. I’m not saying the first film was Citizen Kane or anything, but at least they had something there. This film was probably made because Neveldine/Taylor’s last film came and went from theaters without anyone on the Earth seeing the fucking thing. So they needed some quick bread for their next feature.

If they did indeed need that, however, why not just try and make a good movie again?

But as far as moneymaking sequels go, this film is still a shit load better than, say, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But that’s like saying your leaking hemerroid is better than mine.

Please do not let this be the beginning of an awful movie summer. And let’s hope Crank 3-D is better than this…

Perhaps my hopes were too high. Maybe I will like this movie better upon further evaluation. Time will only tell.

The Audible Vasectomy

Today’s picture is a bit naughty… so lift with caution. You might also want to note that this is easily one of the best things I’ve ever drawn. Enjoy!

I know nothing of docorific shit. So, as you read this, please feel free not to correct me. Sometimes my mind like things to be mysterious. Such is an incident of today.

I saw a billboard today on the side of the road. It said something like, “Fresh Vasectomy – No Needles, No Cutting – Released the Same Day!” Wait a second… so I get what a vasectomy is. Guys get these to prevent themselves from having kids. But the only way I know it to be done is by way of a scalpel-to-sac procedure. Sounds painful, I guess, but this is one procedure that should be done a lot more often. I’ve met a lot of kids whose fathers either treat them like shit or disappear from their lives. I’ve also met a lot of kids with mothers who simply shouldn’t have been allowed to have kids.

As Keanu Reeves once said in Ron Howard’s immortal 1988 classic Parenthood, “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”

That movie seriously rocks my balls. That one line is way more philosophical than anything Keanu had to say in those ridiculously awful Matrix sequels or that newfangled Day the Earth Stood Still remake.

Back to the subject at hand… so I know what cutting does as far as a vastectomy is concerned, but I am not even going to pretend to actually know what a needle can do (although I can certainly imagine some wonderful things).

So my question is, if you aren’t cutting or shooting some sperm killers in there with a needle, how the fuck do you do it? I could only picture one alternative.

Stop making baby seed you motherfucker! (4/2009)

The doctor would have to be trained to speak a language only the testicles could agree with. He has to speak to them, maybe even shout at them, to get them to stop producing baby formula. They should then call it the “Audible Vasectomy” and deliver that shit for free to people in jails. Or even to children in high school who are fucking way early without the common sense needed to use protection.

Share this with your friends.

Anna Faris’ Crazy Plastic Lip…

Some people do shit to their body that is completely unacceptable. Others do shit that is acceptable. For example, the single mother stripper who needs a new set of tits, because years of child births sagged them things down and no respectable wife-cheating business man wants to throw down money on saggy boobs. They simply do it out of need. If their boobs don’t pass the test, no one will make it rain for them.

Anna Faris does not fall into this category. She was perfectly fine a few years ago. Everything was good. Sure, she is no Meryl Streep as far as acting is concerned, but she isn’t fucking as emotionless as Summer Glau for testicular sake. She seems to land about 2 movies a year and has no problem doing so.

So what the fuck happened to her lip?

I tried watching House Bunny (a sure-fire Oscar contender) and I couldn’t look past it. What happened to her top lip man? Does she have a leprechaun punch her every morning before work or did she actually get work done?

Move Over, Julia Roberts (4/2009)

Check me giving head…

.  .  .ers to my sweet blog. Headers. Not head. Did you think I was going somewhere else with that? Naughty kids.

I’m a little shy of the 2 year anniversary of Pictures of Doom/City Pictures/Best Blog Ever Aside From Some Others That Are Much Better. I just noticed that I’ve plowed some headers during that time. The average person updates their blog image once a year. Just ask Romi. I guess I update mine every few months. Here is the evolution of City Pictures/Pictures of Doom (click on them if you want to see them bigger):

Header 1: Actual City Buildings

I actually really like this one. It lasted from start to about March of 2008.

Header 2: Rabbit and Future

This was inspired by a story I once wrote that can never be published, thanks to a certain film starring Eminem.

Header 3: Monster of Doom

A green testicle with wings. Testicular cancer maybe? How else could it be represented?

Header 4: Mike’s Favorite Thing

This one is recent – a self-portrait of me throwing up. I really like this one but it seems this wasn’t much a fan favorite…

Header 5: Mike’s Childhood of Doom

Sperm is a reoccuring theme here. I think with this year’s birthday entry/header design, I’ve perfected the art. My sperm drawings are better than anyone else’s in the galaxy.

Which is your favorite? Oh yeah? Why don’t you vote already?

Did no one watch the Watchmen?

Everyone raved last summer about an angry little superhero movie called The Dark Knight. What happens, however, when you make a more pissed off superhero movie and mix it with political/social commentary? You get Watchmen… a movie based on a fantastic graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Say what you say about comics but this book pretty much invented the graphic novel genre and had a lot more to say than any issue of Spider-Man (or the trilogy of films for that matter).

Perhaps it was too angry though. The film came out this past March and, while some people saw it, it’s box office receipts weren’t too fantastical. Perhaps people didn’t get it? I mean, it takes place in an alternate 1985 (not like the one in Back in to the Future II) where Nixon is still president. The Cold War is in the air and superheroes, though once employees of the government, have been outlawed (sounds like The Incredibles but obviously that used this as inspiration).

Somebody Killed The Comedian (4/2009)

I think I can say with a certain amount of authority that children see rated R movies on a daily basis. I teach 14 year-old kids and they come in every day wanting to talk to me about whichever horror movie they saw that weekend. They wanted to talk to me about Watchmen too, only the few (and I mean few) students who saw it absolutely hated it.

I guess I understand why. It has no clear villain for a while. It’s essentially a mystery – we don’t know who they are fighting or why. Nor is there the typical origin story. There is no crime-fighting to be found, outside a one single short episode, and there is a blue man running around without his pants on half the time.

Perhaps it was to make some of them feel a bit stupid, or perhaps I was trying to educate them, but I decided to talk a little bit about the politics of film. What was the significance of the Nixon era, Nuclear War, Russia, etc. None of them had a fucking clue.

I was at a bar shortly after, talking about the film with some friends, who are much older than my students I might add. Now, I am not that old. I didn’t live through JFK and shit. But I do know a thing or two about American history. This novel/movie isn’t that complex to your average everyday paper reader but it seems a lot what was going on was lost to a good portion of the movie public. I guess that’s why people stayed away from it. It certainly had nothing to do with length (remember how long Dark Knight was?).

The purpose of this post escapes me for the time being. I guess I just wanted to write something about Watchmen from the persepective of a huge fan. I rarely rap about comic shit but this book is one of my favorites. And the movie is pretty fucking good too. In fact, I prefer it over Dark Knight.

So if it’s still playing in a dollar theater in your town, check it out. Or just wait for blu-ray. Give the book a good readin’ too.

And maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll soon talk about the new Fast and Furious soon.

28 Years Later…

28 years ago today, yours truly went on a bogus journey that would forever change his life. It was the beginning of my life actually – the day I would come spiraling out of my mom’s vagina and into this perfect world…

Oh wait a second. I am having that one French phrase everyone says (and these are probably the same people who adapted the infamous ‘Freedom Fries’ routine). This sounds much like how I started last year’s birthday post. Have I no variety? Surely I owe you better than that.

As I write this, my birthday hasn’t hit yet. But it’s coming. And by the time you read this, it’ll be here. I try to think about how much my life has changed since last year. I moved to a new town, got a new job, work a night job too, teach the kids of America, and even began a relationship.

I also got cut from my job and my future is now 100% unknown. Where am I to go and what am I to do? There are more education cuts in Florida than one cares to think about. It’s about 78% probable that I will not be able to get another teaching job for next year. That puts a damper on me starting Graduate School this summer, like I intended. I have to put that on hold because now that I have no job, I can’t very well spend money on schooling now can I. That impacts my future even more.

I think back to that time when I was shooting through the uterus; my life was very much ahead of me. There was no defeat yet, or complications, or even struggle. The other brothers and sisters trying to make it to the egg gave me no such struggle. I know this because I don’t like competition or doing things that are hard. So the other millions of children swimming down the pike must have been completely retarded. Or maybe they let me win?

“You have to go now…” (4/2009)

You know you want to make that the background of your desktop. Go on, I’ll wait. Click on the picture. Now right click. Pick the correct option. There, now, doesn’t your monitor look so pretty now? Tell me that isn’t the best looking sperm you’ve ever seen.

Anywho, that’s it I guess. Today is my birthday. There are midnight screenings of Fast and Furious all about this evening. What better birthday present can one have than the face of Paul Walker and his masterful thespian skills matched with what is sure to be a brilliant screenplay tackling themes as deep as vengeance and as whole as love?

Sarcasm means nothing to me.

April Fool’s Day Part II

Last year, I recalled a rather touching conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend about the amazing power of the Day of Fools. This year, I decided to keep that up. The following phone conversation took place.

Ring. Ring.

Sally: Hello?
Mike: Hey Sally. It’s Mike.
Sally: Mike who?
Mike: Come on, you really have to ask that?
Sally: Good Christ, what the fuck do you want?
Mike: I was just calling to check on you; see how you were doing. How goes it? How has life been treating you since we last spoke?
Sally: Are you fucking kidding me? I haven’t heard from you in 5 years. You just disappeared. Where did you go?
Mike: My wife found out about our relationship and she threatened to walk out on me unless I ended it. So I ended it.
Sally:… (I could hear her thinking)
Mike: Are you there?
Sally: …You were married?
Mike: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Sally: We went out for over a year, and you never told me? You told me you loved me.
Mike: I know, hilarious, right?
Sally: What the fuck are you telling me this for?
Mike: It’s part of the 12-step program… you know, calling people, and apologizing for shit.
Sally: You’re an alcoholic too?
Mike: Oh yeah, that’s why we got a divorce. I can’t see my kids without supervision. I was an angry drunk.
Sally: You have fucking kids too? Jesus fuck, what the hell else do you want from me?
Mike: I was just calling to ask for your forgiveness. To let you know I am sorry.
Sally: I wondered what happened to you for 5 years, and this is what I learn? I hope you drop fucking dead asshole…
Mike: Okay, wait… calm down, I have something else to say!”
Sally: No, no, no… you’re going to listen to me asshole. If I ever see you again, I will fucking kill you, you got that?
Mike: But wait, don’t you know what today is?
Sally: No, and I don’t care. This conversation is over. I will fucking skin you alive if I see you again, you got that? Don’t ever call me ever a-fucking-gain.
Mike: But wait… April Fo….

Ghost of Fool’s Past (3/2009)

And before I could finish, she hung up. I guess she never got the joke.