I’m not walking…

I finally finished up my Bachelor’s degree. I am 26 years old and I am now, finally, a college graduate. It’s not like I’ve been in college since high school (I took a few years off), but still. I am probably the oldest person in my graduating class. And, I am definitely one of the few who actually have a day job. Most of the kids in my class got support from mommy and daddy. So they wear pajamas to class, thinking it’s perfectly acceptable.

But I’ve ranted on those fucks many times before. There is a ceremony for my graduating class this coming Saturday. It’s like high school – you put on these caps and gowns and walk with your fellow alumnus. I don’t care about them though. People keep asking me, “Man, you graduated! What are you doing to celebrate?” Hmm. Waking up in the morning? I don’t know… what am I supposed to do?

I don’t understand what the big deal is with college graduation. You paid them to go there, you did your time, and you knew what the result would be. So, what’s the big fucking deal bitch? Send me a check in the mail, and I’ll walk. Pay for my entire schooling, and I’ll walk. Bring me a copy of Marked for Death on DVD and maybe I’ll walk. Maybe that’ll give some purpose for it all.

Can we skip this? (12/2007)

The GRE can suck it…

**Please note, the picture at the end of this entry is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever drawn. But I am angry. So look with caution.

I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about how applying to graduate school can suck it. It’s an adventure I decided to embark on however, as making $30,000 a year for the rest of my miserable days just isn’t the kind of ride I am looking for. Plus, I really like teaching. Not little dumb ass kids, no, dumb ass college students. I really like teaching college students.

Apparently there is a test you have to take for admission into most graduate programs. It’s called the GRE (other majors have to take the GMAT, lawyers have to take the LSTAT). I’ve been preparing for this cunt for the past 5 months or so. I even went so far as to take a prep-course which cost me $500. And then the test was $140 to register for. So far, this stupid fucking test cost me $640. Thank balls for credit cards.

There is math on this bitch. The lady teaching my prep-course said, “All the math problems on the GRE are at a 9th grade level.” I am here to disprove that shit. Here is a secret about me I’m not particularly proud of sharing: I failed 9th grade twice. Not because I was dumb academically, but because I was more interesting in skateboarding, juggling, videotaping shit, smoking weed, drinking, and movies.

By my third year of high school though, I started getting laid and that woke me up to doing better. So I got put in this program for dummies like me who failed a whole bunch of times. I had to do all this work to catch up and take some vocational programs too, just so I would graduate on time. They also made me take the GED just to prove I was “academically challenged” enough to earn the High School Diploma. Let me tell you this about the GED: if you know someone who dropped out of high school and didn’t pass it, punch them in the fucking face with a pot of hot coffee. That was the easiest test I’ve ever taken, and I failed 9th grade twice.

So yeah, I graduated the year I was supposed to (1999) with the diploma I was supposed to. I didn’t start college though until 4 years later. I just didn’t think I needed it. But then I realized that was stupid, so I just enrolled. Which brings me to today. I have two finals this week and then I will finally have my Bachelors Degree. Liberal Studies with minors in English Writing and Cinema Studies – woo-hoo! Pass the bubbly.

Wait, hold on a second. Bachelors Degrees apparently don’t mean shit anymore. Especially in my field, so I have to continue onward in the educational process. Fuck, I am going to be 35 and bald by the time I finish that shit. And student loan payments jiggle my balls real good.

This past Saturday, I finally took the fucking GRE. I was up all night Friday taking fucking pre-tests (and doing okay on them). Now that it’s over, my thoughts on the retardization that is standardized testing solidified.

Check out this philosophy. So I want to get into a graduate program. I went to college, got my degree, and now I want to continue onward and get my Masters. What does that mean? That all the fucking college work I’ve done up until now doesn’t mean shit. I have to take a fucking test to prove my worth. My degree is as useful as a cum-rag underwater. I want to get my Masters in something English related, so I have to take a test with fucking MATH questions on it, when I haven’t taken a math class since Clinton was in office. How does that make any sense?

But I played the game. I took the stupid fucking test, had an extremely hard time with it, and BOMBED the shit out of it. Just so you understand how bad I did, let me paint that picture for you. From what I understand, the test is worth 1600 points. A good score is about a 1100 and above. Do you know what I, Mike Bronson, got on this crab-infested mess of pubic hair of a test?

I got a 700. A fucking 700. Your dead grandma could have gotten a better score than me. A used condom could have gotten a better score. A 700 – that’s probably the worst score in GRE history. Maybe now a school will accept me because they feel sorry for me. Probably not. I am now reminded of the Dead Kennedys’ song, Pull My Strings. Biafra sings, “Is my cock big enough? Are my brains small enough, for you to make me a star?” Perhaps I now have a career in the entertainment world.

I decided to draw a picture dedicated to standardized testing everywhere. Here is to you, GRE test of doom.

Feminine Napkin of Doom (12/2007)

The detective who showed me death…

I’m in this Sociology of Murder class. It’s pretty awesome, as all we talk about are weird murder cases and what not. My teacher is a captain of detectives or something in my city. The other day, he brought in one of his detectives to talk to us about some of the real life cases he’s worked on in town. I was pretty excited about the whole thing.

Funnily enough, both my teacher and the detective sported a mustache. Two walking cop clichés right there in front of me. Long sleeve dress shirts, plain colored ties, tie clips, and mustaches. This new detective was pretty funny. I imagined him to be that cop who says crazy shit during interrogations. My teacher was the quiet type, the “good cop” to this guy’s “bad cop.”

Anyways, this guy walked up to the front of our classroom and said, “Okay guys, so I am going to show you some pictures. They are not for the weak of stomach or the faint of heart. If you have to leave, that’s totally fine. Your teacher will see you next week.”

I knew exactly what was going down. He was to show us people of dead people. And dead people, he showed us. Hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of dead people. Suicides by hanging, gun shots, stabs, people who jumped off buildings, strangulations, and even a guy who was shoved in a toilet. This guy has seen it all.

The best part is that this guy would joke about each picture while most of my class was horrified. Me and this other kid were the only ones laughing. Is it weird that I think dead people are funny?

Interestingly enough, was how some people killed themselves. 80% of the suicide pictures he showed us, the people got naked first. Like they didn’t want to fuck up their outfits with blood or brain particles. What about the fucking carpet?

Careful with that Rope (10/2007)

Applying to Graduate School can suck it.

Hi, my name is Mike Bronson and I am 26 years-old. I’ve been working non-stop since I was 16. When I was 19, I got an Associate of Science degree in Film Production from some lame/expensive private school. When I was 21, I decided that film production isn’t for me. So I chose to go back to school and get a traditional degree at a real college. I then started to attend Community College, where I received a real Associates Degree when I was 24.

Now, I am about 5 or 6 weeks away from walking away from college with my Bachelor’s Degree. I thought this would be the end of it until I realized that there really isn’t money out there for a free-lance journalist like myself, and my day job isn’t exactly paying all my bills. I don’t think I can handle living this way, in a shitty apartment (because I can’t afford more), too much longer.

So I’ve contemplated going to Graduate School for my Master’s. Let me tell you how much getting there sucks.

Now, if you want to go to a traditional University, most graduate programs require you take some fucking test before you even apply. Like the GMAT or the GRE – these are like the SAT of the graduate world.

Let’s think about this a bit… so I just paid all this fucking money to get my Bachelor’s from some school, and now, I have to fucking prove I am worthy to further my education by taking another fucking test? And do you know how much it costs to take the GRE? $140 – where is this money supposed to come from? If you are a little bitch who is supported by your parents still, even though you are in your 20s, then you can come up with that no problem.

But what about we poor folk? Anyway, to prepare myself for this monstrosity, I took a prep-course (which cost about $500). You see, there is math on this bitch of a test. My professional career doesn’t require math (journalism), my master’s requirements don’t require math; so why the fuck do I have to take a math test?

On top of that, pretty much all the schools I am applying to require you to submit your resume (mine has some sweet buttery biscuits of stuff on it), a 15-page critical essay of some sort, and a 2 page personal essay outlining your professional goals. An essay outlining my professional career and goals? Isn’t that what a fucking resume is for? Don’t people get their Master’s in something because they want to further their career and make more money?

Bronson’s Drained Head (10/2007)

“People want to get their Master’s so they can work in an area they are passionate about dude.”

Fuck that, the sole purpose of working is to make money. If you really, really, wanted to do something for the love of it, you wouldn’t be working for someone – you’d be doing it on your own. We work in environments that are tolerable, not out of love.

When one applies for a Master’s Program, that should be enough when a resume is included. If you have your Bachelor’s in English Education, and you apply for a Master’s in English Education, is it really that fucking confusing to the people in admissions as to what this person wants to do in their career?

I understand that some people just aren’t worthy enough to get their Master’s at some prestigious school but shit, what about the schools anyone can get into? I got into the University of Central Florida without taking the SAT, and my high school grades weren’t all that great either (I even failed 9th grade twice but I still got my diploma on time because I worked my ass off those last two years). Anyone can get into college, so why make the admissions process so fucking annoying?

End of rant.

I can see your green underwear through that sheet you call a dress…

I love college. Let me rephrase that… I love learning stuff at college. The actual college life? Not so much for me. Fraternities and weird date-rape antics, not my style. I loathe the fall semester, as I have to walk around campus and see all the fraternity signs and the kids wearing shirts letting you know they are “rushing” or whatever.

But fraternities are the least of my problems in the world of college. It’s the rest of the people. Now, I am not as young as a good portion of the students I’m surrounded by. I’m a 26 year-old working man in a sea of 18 – 22 year-olds. A giant portion of these kids don’t really have jobs, outside of scooping ice cream 10 hours a week, and live on campus. I guess with the living on campus thing, a lot of them decide that they really don’t care about how they look while walking from class to class.

I’ve taken mostly night classes (as I work during the day) and I can’t tell you how many girls wear pajama bottoms to class. Or those fucking ridiculous short shorts with something clever on written on the ass, like ‘princess’ or something. Or wearing actual pink shorts with ‘pink’ written on the ass, just in case you’re color blind. A good portion of guys at my school aren’t aware that most shirts come with sleeves. Or that sandals aren’t meant to be worn with socks.

I could literally go on and on and on, for months, about this. Yesterday though, I saw something pretty amazing. And by amazing, I mean downright putrid. This bigger girl, with crazy tattoos, was wearing this white dress thing that looked more like a sheet or a curtain. Not because of it’s size or anything, but because of it’s pattern. It was pretty see-through. See-through enough for me to accidentally see her crazy green bra, and her even crazier green panties (I don’t know why but I really hate that word), clear as day. It grossed me out so much, that I saw it for like 20 minutes afterwards, every time I blinked, just like when you stare at the sun for too long. Are you not aware of nude colored underwear? I am a dude and I know about that shit… why doesn’t she?

Excuse me, they make nude… (9/2007)