Did no one watch the Watchmen?

Everyone raved last summer about an angry little superhero movie called The Dark Knight. What happens, however, when you make a more pissed off superhero movie and mix it with political/social commentary? You get Watchmen… a movie based on a fantastic graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Say what you say about comics but this book pretty much invented the graphic novel genre and had a lot more to say than any issue of Spider-Man (or the trilogy of films for that matter).

Perhaps it was too angry though. The film came out this past March and, while some people saw it, it’s box office receipts weren’t too fantastical. Perhaps people didn’t get it? I mean, it takes place in an alternate 1985 (not like the one in Back in to the Future II) where Nixon is still president. The Cold War is in the air and superheroes, though once employees of the government, have been outlawed (sounds like The Incredibles but obviously that used this as inspiration).

Somebody Killed The Comedian (4/2009)

I think I can say with a certain amount of authority that children see rated R movies on a daily basis. I teach 14 year-old kids and they come in every day wanting to talk to me about whichever horror movie they saw that weekend. They wanted to talk to me about Watchmen too, only the few (and I mean few) students who saw it absolutely hated it.

I guess I understand why. It has no clear villain for a while. It’s essentially a mystery – we don’t know who they are fighting or why. Nor is there the typical origin story. There is no crime-fighting to be found, outside a one single short episode, and there is a blue man running around without his pants on half the time.

Perhaps it was to make some of them feel a bit stupid, or perhaps I was trying to educate them, but I decided to talk a little bit about the politics of film. What was the significance of the Nixon era, Nuclear War, Russia, etc. None of them had a fucking clue.

I was at a bar shortly after, talking about the film with some friends, who are much older than my students I might add. Now, I am not that old. I didn’t live through JFK and shit. But I do know a thing or two about American history. This novel/movie isn’t that complex to your average everyday paper reader but it seems a lot what was going on was lost to a good portion of the movie public. I guess that’s why people stayed away from it. It certainly had nothing to do with length (remember how long Dark Knight was?).

The purpose of this post escapes me for the time being. I guess I just wanted to write something about Watchmen from the persepective of a huge fan. I rarely rap about comic shit but this book is one of my favorites. And the movie is pretty fucking good too. In fact, I prefer it over Dark Knight.

So if it’s still playing in a dollar theater in your town, check it out. Or just wait for blu-ray. Give the book a good readin’ too.

And maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll soon talk about the new Fast and Furious soon.

Hot or Not: Kiera Knightley?

I bet even the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz wouldn’t even want any of this action. Why doesn’t someone throw this bitch a donut? Or a taco? Or an Oreo? And for fuckballs sake, keep her fingers away from her throat! Look what’s happening to her!

The Fruits of Kiera Knightley (3/2009)

I saw Domino in theaters a couple years back. I remember a scene where our beloved Kiera became topless. At the time, I was too shocked to cover my eyes. It was a horrifying sight – like looking in on a dressing room full of 10 year-old boys changing before a baseball game. I think I have bigger boobs than her. So does my mailbox. Why do people want to penetrate her?

Hot or Not: Zelda from Pet Semetary

Holy orafice clogger. I saw this movie when I was in 2nd grade and let me tell you, this movie fucked me up. It wasn’t because of how it showed people burying things that came back to life or how it had a creepy little kid running around killing people and biting their necks.

No, something else fucked me up. This one scene I am about to describe messed my sleeping schedule up for weeks when I was young. I remember lying on my back with my eyes open for hours, constantly looking around, making sure this creepy thing wasn’t in my room.

“What are you talking about bro?”

There is a scene where a woman describes her childhood with her sister. It cuts to a flashback and shows said sister – Zelda’s her name – rolling around in a bed with soup pouring out of her mouth. This bitch made Regan from The Exorcist look like Strawberry Shortcake. Hideous fucking creature! The worst part of it all happens near the end of the film. It cuts back to present day and Zelda’s sister is wandering about looking for her son. She opens a door to a bedroom and there is Zelda – all creepy looking in the corner of the room. Then she turns around and charges the camera, screaming, “Never get out of bed again!”

Fucking creepy.

When I watch it now, of course, there is nothing about that scene that is even remotely scary (other than the fact that I learned Zelda was actually played by a dude). Here it is: fast-forward to minute 3. Nothing, right? When I was a kid, that scene messed me up like a tornado in Oklahoma. I literally thought she was going to come out of my television.

So now I dare ask, is Zelda hot or not (and for the sake of argument, let’s forget she is played by a dude)?

Put it to my lips… (2/2009)

Top Ten Films of 2008

“I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face!” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988).

There is no excuse as to why my absence here (and pretty much every website I’ve written for) has been so long without any word of return. So I will come back the only way I know how… by doing my favorite thing.

The Next One Will Be Better… (1/2009)

Summing up the year in cinema for the six people in my life (both in real life and internet life) that still know I exist, and even care about what I have to say about cinema. Especially now that the Oscar nominations are out. This goes out to you… even though we are so far into January now that no one will care.

“Willow, this is war, not agriculture.” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988)

I find myself putting together this list during a voluntary viewing of Willow on DVD. Not a good movie by any stretch but what humorless bastard out there doesn’t get a kick out of hearing Val Kilmer calling Warwick Davis (a fellow little person) a ‘peck’? Makes me smile every time.

Without further ado, and blabbering, I bring you this list. This list consists of my personal favorites of the year and to those of you who know me best, you may find it somewhat surprising.

Top Ten Best Films of 2008

What happened to John Lithgow?

Seriously. Where has he been?

Have you seen me? (9/2008)

Goldie Hawn in the 70s…

I just got done watching Foul Play (Colin Higgins, 1978) and I have to say, Goldie Hawn was certainly delicious in the 70s.

What happened?

So I drew this picture of her, in a style very different than anything I’ve done before. Thoughts?

Did you drop acid earlier tonight? (8/2008)

Estelle Getty – the last Golden Girl

I hate Dementia/Alzheimer’s. If science could shrink me down and insert me into a tiny space craft, then into the human body (like in that movie Inner Space), I’d fucking shoot any remnants of that shit dead. Shoot it right in the fucking face.

In 2000, a year after my hero Charles Bronson decided to do the same, Estelle Getty decided to retire from the public eye due to her bout with said diseases. I’ve received a few text messages in the past two days from people saying, “Dude, Estelle Getty needs a proper tribute.” I agree. Not only was she a key character in The Golden Girls, she was also in the Stallone-fueled action mega hit Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!. Am I the only person who thinks that movie is alright? I watch it every time it’s on USA or AMC (because those two networks are shitty enough to show it).

So here is to you, Mrs. Getty, in your honor. May your 84 years here be the best ever spent. I raise my glass to you. I hope you bump into George Carlin and you two bring on the motherfuckin’ ruckus.

Stars with Getty (7/2008)

Missing George Carlin

George Carlin No More (6/2008)

“I look at it this way… For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers… so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it’s natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse.” — George Carlin

“Get your ass to Mars…”

I saw Total Recall last night at the Universal Cineplex and I have to say… I think a chapter of my life is now complete. Actually, let me think about that for a second. The print wasn’t in the best of shapes. It was missing an entire scene. The scene with Quaid talks to Melina for the first time, in her room at the bar. She slaps him for some reason, then it cuts to Benny (the cab driver) who is rubbing a chick with three boobs and says, “Baby, you make me wish that I had three hands.” To which the three-breasted hooker replies, “You’re doing just fine with two.” That entire sequence was vanished from existence. My guess is that the print was too old and that particular section was badly damaged. So instead of a few weird chops in story, some smart projectionist took at the whole sequence as if it never happened at all.

That was really my only beef. I have a long history with this film. I was in 4th grade when this movie came out on video. One lonesome Friday night of that year, I stayed at my dad’s house. He was going out that night so he said he would rent me a movie to keep me company. Because really, VHS tapes do make the best babysitters. Regardless, my sadness of his absence was completely erased when he handed me a copy of Total Recall on video. When I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face, with blue tint, I lit up like Richard Pryor’s crack pipe. I knew nothing of what was to come with the film. I wasn’t as film savvy back then as I am now. All I knew is that Arnold would be killing people, as he always did back then, and it would be glorious.

I put it in the VCR (that was the DVD player of the 80s for all you young kids) and sat down on the floor, indian style, staring up at the television anxiously awaiting the oncoming slaughter. “Shit, it looks like there is a preview. Fuck that, I want to see Arnold!” This VCR didn’t have a remote and I was way too lazy to get up to fast-forward. I’d rather have something to complain about.

The trailer began. It started with some cheesy music playing over what appeared to be a large robotic head. “What is this?” I thought. I kept staring… something about all this looked greatly familiar to my 9 year-old brain. It kept going. It was clear to me that the trailer was showing us a robot being constructed and this robot was familiar to me. This was going to be a teaser for another Terminator film.

The robot was then put into this giant case and some words read, “Cyborg Tissue Generation.” The machine opened back up and sure enough, Schwarzenegger came out, complete with one red eye. “T2″ then slammed across the machine and it was literally the first time I ever came. “Fuck Total Recall, I want T2!” For a brief second, I was upset at my dad for bringing me this crap instead of a new Terminator film. Before I had time to process that thought, more words sprung across the screen that would horrify me. “Summer 1991.”

“Wait, what? When is that?” I ran as fast as I could to calender. It was still 1990. I had months to wait for this movie. “Why would God do that to me?” I wondered. “Why would he tease me so?” You can see what I am talking about by clicking here.

I went back to the room with the VCR, looking at the TV in defeat. “You son of a bitch,” I said to it. After a few moments of mourning, I decided to hit the play button again, and check out this Total Recall shit.

To my surprise, the movie blew my 9 year-old mind away. This movie had enough blood and guts in it to keep my fragile little mind at ease. Plus, it had a chick with three boobs! What 9 year-old kid wouldn’t have a good time here? Total Recall is the best fucking babysitter in the entire world.

“Baby, you make me wish I had three hands.” (6/2008)

In other news, some of my doodles have been appearing in other places. For instance, I drew Joebecca a new header (see it here) and some Vaginale for Hole (see it here). And be a Pictures of Doom Facebook fan by clicking here. Hopefully that works.

Close Encounters of the Fatherless Kind

Last night, after a long screening of Sex and the City, I discovered that Close Encounters of the Third Kind was playing at midnight in the same theater (the Universal Cineplex at Universal Studios). I haven’t seen this movie in 10 plus years so now was definitely the time. Plus, when else would I have a chance to see it on the big screen? Sure, my throat was sore (cold coming on) and I was tired, but I was determined to press on.

I’ve seen a lot of old movies play at this theater (Jaws, Goodfellas, Psycho, to name a few). They run one or two every week – and they are prints – which is easily one of the only cool things left to do in Orlando. It was great to see those other films on the big screen (especially Jaws) but the prints often felt like they were as old as the movies themselves. But the print of Close Encounters was absolutely fucking gorgeous. The first reel had a few scratches throughout but the rest of the film looked as crisp as I had ever seen it.

The one thing I never really picked up from this movie was the overage of father abandonment. Encounters was written and directed by Steven Spielberg (based on an original screenplay by Paul Schrader of Taxi Driver fame) during the early part of his career. It’s clear the dude has some family sadness in his past but I never quite saw its influence so much as I did last night.

This movie almost has two story lines – one follows a mother (Melinda Dillon) and a fatherless son as they discover UFOs flying around their property and the other follows a family man (Richard Dreyfuss) who becomes infatuated with the same sight. This family man has some kids who need him, and become frustrated by his new-found interest (shaping mountains out of mash potatoes), with a wife who wants no part of it. I guess he finds his family life too boring. He instead seeks to the skies for fulfillment.

Watch the Skies (6/2008)

In the end, this dude climbs aboard the ship and the film ends. Over. That’s it. This guy, instead of fighting to win his family back, chooses life on another planet so simply. Did he not think about his children growing up fatherless? Perhaps this decision isn’t really a character flaw. Instead, it may simply be a choice many of us would have made. Curiosity often gets the best of us. Too bad it took this guy to space and left his family with nothing.

I never saw the film in this light before. Perhaps it was because I was too young. After the film ended last night, I can only say that I loved it that much more. Too bad Spielberg doesn’t make films like this anymore – with real effects and interesting characters. That isn’t to say Munich wasn’t fucking amazing or anything but that new Indiana Jones movie hurt my eyes. Shitty green-screening, CG, etc. Everyone says, “Did you expect a movie made by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to NOT have CG?”

No, I did, I just wish it didn’t look like balls. Remember how good Lord of the Rings looked? Peter Jackson knows how to make it look good. Remember how good Jurassic Park looked. Steven Spielberg knew how to make it look good. What the fuck happened? But I digress.

Starting tonight, and running for the next week, that same theater is showing Total Recall at midnight. That’s awesome because I didn’t see it during its theatrical run. But you know what’s better? My last night in Orlando will be spent watching Terminator fucking 2: Judgment Day at that same theater. I doubt life could be better.