The Audible Vasectomy

Today’s picture is a bit naughty… so lift with caution. You might also want to note that this is easily one of the best things I’ve ever drawn. Enjoy!

I know nothing of docorific shit. So, as you read this, please feel free not to correct me. Sometimes my mind like things to be mysterious. Such is an incident of today.

I saw a billboard today on the side of the road. It said something like, “Fresh Vasectomy – No Needles, No Cutting – Released the Same Day!” Wait a second… so I get what a vasectomy is. Guys get these to prevent themselves from having kids. But the only way I know it to be done is by way of a scalpel-to-sac procedure. Sounds painful, I guess, but this is one procedure that should be done a lot more often. I’ve met a lot of kids whose fathers either treat them like shit or disappear from their lives. I’ve also met a lot of kids with mothers who simply shouldn’t have been allowed to have kids.

As Keanu Reeves once said in Ron Howard’s immortal 1988 classic Parenthood, “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”

That movie seriously rocks my balls. That one line is way more philosophical than anything Keanu had to say in those ridiculously awful Matrix sequels or that newfangled Day the Earth Stood Still remake.

Back to the subject at hand… so I know what cutting does as far as a vastectomy is concerned, but I am not even going to pretend to actually know what a needle can do (although I can certainly imagine some wonderful things).

So my question is, if you aren’t cutting or shooting some sperm killers in there with a needle, how the fuck do you do it? I could only picture one alternative.

Stop making baby seed you motherfucker! (4/2009)

The doctor would have to be trained to speak a language only the testicles could agree with. He has to speak to them, maybe even shout at them, to get them to stop producing baby formula. They should then call it the “Audible Vasectomy” and deliver that shit for free to people in jails. Or even to children in high school who are fucking way early without the common sense needed to use protection.

Share this with your friends.

Poop, Bloody Poop.

A few weeks ago, something happened to me that would forever change my life. It was something that rarely a person talks about, but since it happened to me and I love sharing gross shit, it seems that it is all the more common. But before I dive into the subject, gloves in hand, let me set the stage.

It was a weekday night. About 10:30 to be exact. I was up for almost 24-hours (as I hold 2 jobs) and couldn’t wait to fall asleep. Saima was over too – we just got done watching some crappy movie of some sort. There was something that had to be done. I had to drop a deuce before the sleep could happen. So there I went, and all felt natural with the way it came out. Didn’t even think twice about it. Until I stood up and wiped. I looked down into the bowl; there was something terribly wrong.

I expected to see some vaguely clear water with a brown friend inside, only this wasn’t the case. Instead, the water was a blood-red color. Want me to get even grosser? The toilet paper I wiped my bum with was covered with blood. “What the fuck?” I said, without even being able to freak out. I am only 27 years-old… I am too young to shit blood.

I must have looked in that bowl for 15 minutes. What could I do? Should I call Saima in here? No one ever wants their special lady friend to have to see their poop. But this wasn’t poop. Was it? After a few more minutes of contemplation, I finally mustered up the courage to call her over to the bathroom. She comes from the living room.

“What is it, are you okay?” she asks.

“Um, there is a little something wrong I think. But I don’t want to show you.”

“Then why did you call me over here?”

“Good question… I guess I want you to look at my poop. I think there is something wrong.”

I think at this time she thought I was joking because everyone knows how I like to joke and kid about gross shit all the time. After a few seconds, I guess she could see the electric worry coming from my face.

“Okay, let me see.”

Somebody Call an Ambulance (1/2009)

She slowly, and I mean slowly, advanced towards the bowl. My bathroom is the size of a testicle and it still took her 4 minutes to make it to the bowl. Her eyes were open super wide but you could tell she was apprehensive towards the sight of anything.

She finally tilted her head down, towards the murder scene. After a hesitation, she said, “We need to take you to the hospital.” What a trip that was. We went to the emergency room at 11:00pm and were released at 3:30am. During that time, some doctor guy stuck his finger in my asshole and fucking rotated it. It was then when I decided that I have no idea how anyone on this planet can take a cock in their ass. It certainly is something I hope to never be apart of.

It was a pain I shall never forget*.

And now I share this story with my friends at cocktail parties. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was telling this tale round a group of friends. They all laughed and such, then my chum Big J says, “Hey man, that’s happened me to me a few times but it’s always after a heavy night of drinking and smoking. I thought it was normal.” I guess every one shits blood; only they aren’t ready to admit it.

*Author’s Note: My asshole is now good to go and I am once again completely healthy (if you exclude all the drinking).