“Ain’t No Grave Can Hold My Body Down”

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Art, hilarious, hilarity, Johnny Cash, period, pubes, Romi, story

A long, long time ago, I drew a picture for Romi for reasons I don’t really remember anymore. I just found it in the bowels of my computer. I think it stemmed from a conversation about beloved (or mostly loathed) pubic hair. Perhaps it all started from this conversation I had about a very short-lived relationship I had.

I dated a girl one time in 2002. We saw 8 Mile together when it came out. I think that’s the only thing I really remember about her, as far as things we actually did. We never slept together. She was never one of the illustrious digits of mine. Do you want to know why? Sure… we all do.

One time, we were making out, rolling around in bed. So I guided my hand to her special area. I noticed something quite fowl. Her, uh, lawn was a bit too out of control. This is the kind of crazy yard that neighbors would complain to the home owner’s association about. Also, the shape of the thing. It was everywhere; her lawn was definitely outside the quadrants of a normal lawn. This thing could trap a fucking raccoon.

As disgusted as I was at the time, I figured it’d be rude of my fingers to enter a lawn but not go inside for tea. They were hesitant but they finally made it. Only there was someone else in there blocking the entrance.

The girl said, “Um… I’m sorry, I am on my period.”

Yes, you read that all right. I take my hand to the south, peruse around the merchandise, enter the front door… and THEN she decides it’s a good time to inform me of said problem.

I took my hand out, washed them both with fire, then went to sleep. I broke up with her the next day. It wasn’t so much about the tomato soup filter I bumped into without any official warning; instead it was the lack of weed trimmings. You can get lawn maintenance gear anywhere for the cheap. I think it was then that I decided that any kind of untrimmed lawn just wouldn’t be part of my universe.

There is just nothing good about pubic hair… on either side of the fence.

Good news? No one, aside from Romi, has ever laid eyes on it. More good news? It’s done with glorious Illustrator.

Bad news? Cover your eyes…

What’s Your Sign, Girl? (2007)

I didn’t vote (so suck my balls).

Tags

america, gay, obama, Politics, president, presidents, United States

I found the following entry in the pile of various drafts I’ve written up. I wrote it a few months ago, on election day, and even drew a picture. I have no idea why I didn’t hit the “publish” button but perhaps it is because none of this matters at all. Why yes, that is indeed the answer.

That’s right. Today is the big day that we fine Americans exercise our right to vote our country’s next leader. If South Park has taught me anything, it’s that we always have a choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich (see the election of 2004 between Douche Bush and Turd Kerry). I lived in Florida during the 2000 election, the first election I was old enough to vote in, and we all saw what happened there. What a waste. 2004 was no better.

So this year, I decided to say, “fuck it.” I’m tired of hearing people babble on and on and politics. I used to be a huge fan of it too. I used to love to tell people how much I loved abortion and gay marriage. Now it all seems a waste though. Americans seem to love to be run by rich old white guys. Even though now we have a fine black man (gObama) attempting, I decided to sit the bench on this election. I can’t find a point in it. The past 8 years have been hard on a brother.

So that’s it. In hindsight, I guess I am glad Obama took it. But then again, my vote wouldn’t have mattered anyway. I live in a Republican county in a state that has fucked up the electoral process once or twice in past. My one vote wouldn’t have swerved the thousands on the opposite side. “But dude, that isn’t why you vote. You vote to exercise your freedoms! Think of people who live in countries where such luxuries don’t exist.” Fuck them, and fuck you too.

I have noticed a great deal of patriotism sprout up since Obama took office too. Kind of like those few months after 9/11 where everyone and their fucking dog had an American flag somewhere on their person. They never gave a shit before, but they give a shit now? And people paint Obama has this great bringer of change – but the guy just took office. He just moved in. Now let’s see him do his job for a while before we call him a Saint and Bringer of all Things Great. Let us not label him for things he has yet to do, but instead for things he does as they happen.

Capitalize on this Good Fortune (11/2008 and/or 2/2009)

My grandfather once said, “Show me a politician and I’ll show you a douche waffle.” He meant that no matter what was promised, what they said, or what happens, something is sure to be awry. Being a teacher, I am glad he won. But now that it’s happened, let us shut the fuck up and stand back. Bring back your newfound patriotism in a year or two… when said “change” will come.

Highest Quality Fidel-ity

Tags

Castro, communism, Cuba, falling, Fidel Castro, hilarious, sweet

Big news of the day: Fidel Castro steps down from power. Interesting, as I have had this theory that he’s been dead for a while, but his brother is scared to release that information. With this, however, he’ll probably die soon enough anyway. And soon, it’ll be cool for all the trendy kids to wear shirts with Fidel’s head on it. They won’t look as good as my sweet picture though.

And who can forget this? No one takes a dive quite like Fidel.

Can I get a side of Castro with that? (2/2008)

Portrait of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…

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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, portrait

I do indeed hope I spelled that correctly. He is the current president of Iran and a person who makes me laugh. Based on what he said in this here video, about the non-existence of homosexuals in his country, I was inspired to draw a portrait of him. And yes, I know… it doesn’t much look like him.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Michael Ferraro – 9/2007)