Hot or Not: Julia Roberts?

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actress, Celebrity, dentist, Eric Roberts, Erin Brockovich, Film, films, hot, Julia Roberts, Movies, picture, Pretty Woman, smile, Suicide

Wow, almost no one (aside from 7 people) read my entry on books. So I’m going to go back to basics today with a question.

It must be asked… I bring this question up a lot in my day to day life and it’s the sort of thing I’ve been pondering since I was 10 years-old and I saw Pretty Woman. Even then, as an ignorant child, I wasn’t quite sure who the title of the film was talking about. They couldn’t mean Julia Roberts…. could they?

It was about 2 years later, when my interest in girls was its peak (both mentally and physcially – you get it?), that I realized who they were indeed talking about. Fucking Julia Roberts. I once asked my Mom why Julia Roberts had so many teeth. Did she not remove her baby teeth? What gives?

I am going to have to vote “Not” on this one, my friends. There is something about her… like, when she laughs hard, her mouth opens so wide as if her head literally splits in two, thus causing the top half to float away like a helicopter of doom.

Julia Roberts and the Helicopter of Doom (2/2009)

Just how many fucking teeth does she have? Even when her mouth is shut and serious, like how it is often in Erin Brockovich, her lips look as if they are in a struggle with the teeth, as if they are prisoners desperately pulling for escape. But the lips do a good job keeping them in there… usually.

“But Mike, how can you not like her? She is so beautiful!”

I beg to differ with you, middle-aged, white female America, who long for her magnificent smile. I long not for her. I think her brother Eric has a lot more acting potential than she does, and he sure as hell has a lot less teeth. Perhaps I am just angry because she won an Academy Award over Ellen Burstyn a few years back. I am not sure, but I am sure that it does have a lot to do with it. What do you think? Check an option in this sweet poll…

And on a seperate note, I am quite proud of today’s picture. Usually I will set out to draw something only to give up seconds later when I realize I can’t draw what my imagination creates. Today is quite an exception for I drew exactly what I pictured.

Top Ten Films of 2008

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Batman, best-of lists, cinema, Entertainment, Film, Heath Ledger, Movies, pictures, top 10, top ten

“I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face!” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988).

There is no excuse as to why my absence here (and pretty much every website I’ve written for) has been so long without any word of return. So I will come back the only way I know how… by doing my favorite thing.

The Next One Will Be Better… (1/2009)

Summing up the year in cinema for the six people in my life (both in real life and internet life) that still know I exist, and even care about what I have to say about cinema. Especially now that the Oscar nominations are out. This goes out to you… even though we are so far into January now that no one will care.

“Willow, this is war, not agriculture.” – Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in Ron Howard’s Willow (1988)

I find myself putting together this list during a voluntary viewing of Willow on DVD. Not a good movie by any stretch but what humorless bastard out there doesn’t get a kick out of hearing Val Kilmer calling Warwick Davis (a fellow little person) a ‘peck’? Makes me smile every time.

Without further ado, and blabbering, I bring you this list. This list consists of my personal favorites of the year and to those of you who know me best, you may find it somewhat surprising.

Top Ten Best Films of 2008

It’s a Bat-Man time, motherfuckers.

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Batman, Dark Knight, Film, Harvey Dent, Heath Ledger, Joker, Movies, picture, Two Face

I’ve been a giant Batman fan since before I could remember but have been pretty disappointed with the way Hollywood treated him over the years. There was the schlock of the television program, starring Adam West, was as cheesy as they come. You know it, that show with the “Bam!” and “Splat!” shit written all over the place anytime there was a fight.

The late 80s brought Michael Keaton to the plate, to done the cape and cowl of Gotham’s vigilant superhero, with Tim Burton to direct. Danny Elfman provided the score and Jack Nicholson played The Joker. It was a pretty decent movie, considering most of the plot had nothing to do with the original story lines, but hey. Whatever. The best part though? The character of Harvey Dent was played by Billy Dee “Lando Calrissian” Williams, a non-white person. Made complete sense too, because even in the comics it was mildly obvious that Harvey Dent was in fact a non-Caucasian sort. He was a sense of optimism in Gotham’s mostly white populace. How can a city that metropolitan be that white? Two movies later, Williams was replaced by Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever, a giant piece of shit film if there ever was, only topped in awfulness by the next episode, Batman and Robin. Why make Harvey Dent a white guy again? I guess we’ll never know.

Batman was laid to rest for many, many years following. With a fuck-up like Batman and Robin, it would be a major challenge for anyone to bring Batman back to stature. I was kind of glad too – leave the Batman adventures to my mind. He was in a better place there.

Then Chris Nolan (of Memento fame) took on the challenge of directing a new Batman. The beginning of another franchise of Batman. With this news, I became excited. I loved all of his work because of the psychological nature of it all. That is what Batman needed – a psychological episode. I awaited this film rather excitedly… until I actually saw it. Batman Begins was far from being the piece of shit that the others were but it still didn’t get it right. They took one of the best bad guys ever – Scarecrow – and gave him the gloss-over. They tried to shove way too much into the film, ultimately ruining it’s chance for greatness. Instead of the psychological masterpiece I was waiting for my whole life, I instead got an unfocused film with too much of too little.

The things it did get right, however, it did so with great success. Christian Bale was a great Batman, Michael Caine was a fun Alfred, and Gary Oldman stole the show as Lt. Gordon. He is the best character in the film. But one could see where another movie may have ironed the flaws of the first out a little bit. It happened with X-Men. The first film was also an unfocused mess but X2 changed all of that and is no doubt one of the finest comic book movies ever. Then the third one came out and shit all over my dreams, but whatever.

So to say I was excited about The Dark Knight may be saying much. I wasn’t that pumped to see Batman fight The Joker again, even though the guy who is playing him just died. Even the trailer for this movie didn’t do anything for me. I went to watch it with the lowest of hopes.

…and the movie rocked my balls harder than anything in a long time. Sure, Heath Ledger is absolutely fucking amazing (I’d be happy to see him get a Nomination, and I’m not saying that simply because he is no more – this shit deserves it), but this movie is the Batman movie I was waiting for all of my life. It’s fucking angry, pissed off, miserable, emotional, corrupt, and so much more. Everything about it is perfect. And as many know, I usually hate comic movies (especially Spider-Man movies). But this movie is so much more than a comic movie. You owe it to yourself to see it.

Does this city ever turn this light off? (7/2008)

The Death of Special Effects: Stan Winston No More

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CG, computer-generated effects, Film, Movies, special effects, Stan Winston

Film geeks aside, the name Stan Winston might not mean all that much to you. But if you’ve ever seen Terminator, T2, Predator, Aliens or The Monster Squad, you have experienced Winston’s amazing skill with traditional effects. He created the Predator creature, the Terminator endoskeleton, the Queen Alien, and even the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. He was a master at not using computer-generated effects. You watch something like T2 and compare it any modern piece of shit (like the new Indy or something), that puppetry looks so much more convincing. This guy even helped Iron Man look as good as it did.

He died a few a days ago. And with it, I’m sure the death of traditional (‘real’) effects will probably die with him. The world of cinema will probably be run with computer-generated effects all the more often. So movies will continue to look hollow and depth-less. Stan was the man (and I am not saying that because it rhymes). He will be missed.

The Immortal Stan Winston (6/2008)

This is what all that Cloverfield fuss is all about…

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cloverfield, Film, monster, review

I went to a press screening of the ever mysterious Cloverfield tonight and finally figured out what all the racket was about. It follows a group of 4 annoying Manhattanites as they try and survive some sort of traumatic event taking over the city.

But I am tired of kids on the internet talking about “What is Cloverfield?” I never cared what it was either. The first trailer, which barely showed a thing, intrigued me. The next trailer, which felt a bit like 28 Days Later and Earthquake or something, took every ounce of excitement out of my body. I no longer cared.

Then, everywhere I turned in the binary world, I kept seeing that word – Cloverfield. My next mission was to attend a press screening and see a few days before the masses. Now, I’ll admit, it isn’t a terrible movie. It’s far from actually. Cloverfield would have been a really good movie had the screenwriter created characters you become emotionally involved with. This is a harrowing experience they just never seem to fully realize.

Back to my mission though. So I wanted to see this movie just so I could spoil something for people. You want to know what Cloverfield is? Or wait, I actually don’t know what Cloverfield is (and I’ve seen the fucking movie). But I can tell you it is indeed a monster movie. And here is what she looks like, in another amazing City Picture (of Doom):