Hot or Not: Zelda from Pet Semetary

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films, funny, horror, movie, pet semetary, picture, sexy, Stephen King, zelda

Holy orafice clogger. I saw this movie when I was in 2nd grade and let me tell you, this movie fucked me up. It wasn’t because of how it showed people burying things that came back to life or how it had a creepy little kid running around killing people and biting their necks.

No, something else fucked me up. This one scene I am about to describe messed my sleeping schedule up for weeks when I was young. I remember lying on my back with my eyes open for hours, constantly looking around, making sure this creepy thing wasn’t in my room.

“What are you talking about bro?”

There is a scene where a woman describes her childhood with her sister. It cuts to a flashback and shows said sister – Zelda’s her name – rolling around in a bed with soup pouring out of her mouth. This bitch made Regan from The Exorcist look like Strawberry Shortcake. Hideous fucking creature! The worst part of it all happens near the end of the film. It cuts back to present day and Zelda’s sister is wandering about looking for her son. She opens a door to a bedroom and there is Zelda – all creepy looking in the corner of the room. Then she turns around and charges the camera, screaming, “Never get out of bed again!”

Fucking creepy.

When I watch it now, of course, there is nothing about that scene that is even remotely scary (other than the fact that I learned Zelda was actually played by a dude). Here it is: fast-forward to minute 3. Nothing, right? When I was a kid, that scene messed me up like a tornado in Oklahoma. I literally thought she was going to come out of my television.

So now I dare ask, is Zelda hot or not (and for the sake of argument, let’s forget she is played by a dude)?

Put it to my lips… (2/2009)

Happy Halloween…

Tags

Creature, Film, gore, Halloween, horror, pumpkin, Wolf Man

This, among many, is a holiday I don’t really do too much on. But I drew this picture for you guys.

The Wolf Man and The Creature (10/2007)

Top 12 Films to Watch on Halloween

Tags

1982, Chucky, Evil Dead, Halloween, horror, John Carpenter, Movies, Sam Raimi, Wes Craven

What did you say about my mother? (10/2007)

Most of this list is pretty obvious, as every other website on the planet has posted damn near the same titles, but who cares. This is the list of films I am going to watch (or already have watched) around the Halloween season, and a quote that makes them so damn memorable.

1. The Exorcist (William Friedkin, 1973) – “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.”
2. The Thing (John Carpenter, 1982) – “We’re going out to give Blair the test. If he tries to make it back here and we’re not with him… burn him.”
3. Friday the 13th Part 3 (Steve Miner, 1982) – “Well first we take our clothes off, then you get on top of me or I can get on top of you.”
4. Frankenstein (James Whale, 1931) – “You have created a monster, and it will destroy you!”
5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Tobe Hooper, 1974) – “My family’s always been in meat.”
6. Nightmare on Elm Street (Wes Craven, 1984) – “He’s been in the John pukin’ since he saw it.”
7. The Wolf Man (George Waggner, 1941) – “You’re the gypsy that’s been filling his mind with this werewolf nonsense!”
8. Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks, 1974) – “Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide gorilla?”
9. Nosferatu (F.W. Murnau, 1922) – “It will cost you sweat and tears, and perhaps… a little blood.”
10. Evil Dead II (Sam Raimi, 1987) – “Your love was a lie and now she burns in hell!”
11. Halloween (John Carpenter, 1978) – “Death has come to your little town, Sheriff.”
12. Child’s Play (Tom Holland, 1988) – “You stupid bitch! You filthy slut! I’ll teach you to fuck with me!”

What are you watching this festive season?

Screamfest 2007 – “Anyone here seen Richie?”

Tags

horror, laserdisc, Out for Justice, Screamfest, Steven Seagal, William Forsythe

I wrote a blog for FT a while ago about a little film called Out for Justice. It’s a silly little film about a Brooklyn cop getting pissed that someone killed his partner, so he walks around punching people and smacking them in the mouth with a pool ball wrapped in some cloth. Ouch.

Seagal also runs around yelling, “Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?” In the beginning of the film, Richie (William Forsythe), walks up to Bobby Lupo and shoots him in the chest a couple of times. And he does it right in front of his wife and kids. Classic.

I went to a little Horror Convention called Screamfest 2007 this weekend in Orlando. Forsythe was there and everyone was going up to him with copies of “The Devil’s Rejects” or “Halloween (2007)” merchandise. But I said, “Fuck all that.” I went up to him with my “Out for Justice” laserdisc. You should have seen how happy he was to see a laserdisc – he actually stood up to marvel the glory.

So, I was also armed with a camera and a mic. I asked him if it was cool if I asked him one question on camera. He said, “Well, it depends what the question is.” So I told him. He said, “Fuck yeah, you ask me that.” So I asked him, “So, why did Richie do Bobby Lupo?”

His answer is simply too good to describe with words. I have it on video and promise to get up in a week or two. It’s quite classic.

Screamfest Horror Convention 2007 – Orlando

Tags

beard, Film, Freddy, gore, Halloween, horror, Jason

I love me some horror movies – especially ones from the 80s. So imagine my surprise when I found out that there was some crazy horror convention coming to my hood this weekend. What’s the best part? A large portion of the cast of Friday the 13th Part 3 will be there.

And who else? Danielle Harris. Immortal actress from The Last Boy Scout and Halloween 4. You may recall a picture I drew of her not too long ago. Anyway, if you’re in my town and you are going to this sweet event, look out of me. I’ll be bumbling around with a beard (all natural baby), a microphone, and a camera. I plan on doing some interviews with whatever celebrity I can find, as well as some bright young lads in costume. Come talk to me.