Hey kid. I haven’t heard back from you but I guess that’s understandable. Just days after I wrote you my last letter, the government came and took your kids away. Now that dude who tried to be Eminem has them. And now, I see you on the internet/CNN/television/magazine covers even more than I did before.
Speaking of K-Fed, do you not have standards? It seems that you’ll let anyone enter you. What’s going on with your self-esteem? I mean, it’s not like any ounce of my body has ever found you attractive, but still. I’d imagine that you could do better. Or can you? I digress.
How does that make you feel… the part about losing your kids I mean? Are you sad? I am sorry you are sad. I’ve put together a list of songs that may help you along the way. If I could make you an actual mix-tape, like it’s 1987 again, I would. But that’s simply too much work for today. So I’ll just tell you the songs and you can download them yourself, using legal means like Itunes. I hope you enjoy them, as I tried to get a good mixture of genres together for you. Here they are, in the order I would put them:
Mix Tape for Britney Spears:
- 1. Fiona Apple – Not About Love (Unreleased Jon Brion version)
- 2. Elliott Smith – Needle in the Hay
- 3. Bright Eyes – Landlocked Blues (with Emmylou Harris)
- 4. The Eels – Last Time We Spoke
- 5. Johnny Cash – I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry (Hank Williams Cover)
- 6. Bob Dylan – Buckets of Rain
- 7. Black Sabbath – Changes
- 8. Born Against – Go Fuck Yourself
- 9. Beck – Lost Cause
- 10. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Am I Only
- 11. Anal Cunt – You Got Pregnant So I Kicked You in the Stomach
- 12. Descendents – My Dad Sucks
- 13. Gorilla Biscuits – Start Today
- 14. Norah Jones – Not My Friend
- 15. System of a Down – She’s Like Heroin
- 16. The Velvet Underground – Heroin
- 17. The Walkmen – The Rat
- 18. Kanye West – Gone
- 19. A Tribe Called Quest – Buggin’ Out
- 20. Poison the Well – Pleading Post
- 21. Screeching Weasel – I Will Always Be There
- 22. Peter Bjorn & John – Roll the Credits
Originally I had 15 songs but I figured the more, the merrier. 22 songs is a nice start, right? I even drew you a cover for it too (you’d have to print it out and cut it to fit the CD case though), because that’s the kind of guy I am. Perhaps next time I write you, I will include a list of movie suggestions for you, to also help you through these troubled times.
It Should Be Obvious (10/2007)
Have you been thinking about that piece of advice I gave you? You know, the part where I suggested you may want to move out of California? Clearly that state isn’t doing too well for you. I just hope you don’t end up like Owen Wilson. That dude tried to take his own life. He’s a good kid too, and you have it way worse than he does. I mean, he was once nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay (Royal Tenenbaums, 2001). I can’t imagine you ever getting that honor. Again, I digress.
Keep your chin up kid. Hope to hear from you soon.