Dear Britney Spears (Part II – The Mix Tape),

Hey kid. I haven’t heard back from you but I guess that’s understandable. Just days after I wrote you my last letter, the government came and took your kids away. Now that dude who tried to be Eminem has them. And now, I see you on the internet/CNN/television/magazine covers even more than I did before.

Speaking of K-Fed, do you not have standards? It seems that you’ll let anyone enter you. What’s going on with your self-esteem? I mean, it’s not like any ounce of my body has ever found you attractive, but still. I’d imagine that you could do better. Or can you? I digress.

How does that make you feel… the part about losing your kids I mean? Are you sad? I am sorry you are sad. I’ve put together a list of songs that may help you along the way. If I could make you an actual mix-tape, like it’s 1987 again, I would. But that’s simply too much work for today. So I’ll just tell you the songs and you can download them yourself, using legal means like Itunes. I hope you enjoy them, as I tried to get a good mixture of genres together for you. Here they are, in the order I would put them:

Mix Tape for Britney Spears:

  • 1. Fiona Apple – Not About Love (Unreleased Jon Brion version)
  • 2. Elliott Smith – Needle in the Hay
  • 3. Bright Eyes – Landlocked Blues (with Emmylou Harris)
  • 4. The Eels – Last Time We Spoke
  • 5. Johnny Cash – I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry (Hank Williams Cover)
  • 6. Bob Dylan – Buckets of Rain
  • 7. Black Sabbath – Changes
  • 8. Born Against – Go Fuck Yourself
  • 9. Beck – Lost Cause
  • 10. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Am I Only
  • 11. Anal Cunt – You Got Pregnant So I Kicked You in the Stomach
  • 12. Descendents – My Dad Sucks
  • 13. Gorilla Biscuits – Start Today
  • 14. Norah Jones – Not My Friend
  • 15. System of a Down – She’s Like Heroin
  • 16. The Velvet Underground – Heroin
  • 17. The Walkmen – The Rat
  • 18. Kanye West – Gone
  • 19. A Tribe Called Quest – Buggin’ Out
  • 20. Poison the Well – Pleading Post
  • 21. Screeching Weasel – I Will Always Be There
  • 22. Peter Bjorn & John – Roll the Credits

Originally I had 15 songs but I figured the more, the merrier. 22 songs is a nice start, right? I even drew you a cover for it too (you’d have to print it out and cut it to fit the CD case though), because that’s the kind of guy I am. Perhaps next time I write you, I will include a list of movie suggestions for you, to also help you through these troubled times.

brit.jpg

It Should Be Obvious (10/2007)

Have you been thinking about that piece of advice I gave you? You know, the part where I suggested you may want to move out of California? Clearly that state isn’t doing too well for you. I just hope you don’t end up like Owen Wilson. That dude tried to take his own life. He’s a good kid too, and you have it way worse than he does. I mean, he was once nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay (Royal Tenenbaums, 2001). I can’t imagine you ever getting that honor. Again, I digress.

Keep your chin up kid. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your pal,

Mike Bronson

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

9 thoughts on “Dear Britney Spears (Part II – The Mix Tape),”

  1. Felix: Oh yes, the Rollins letters. I love me some Rollins but there is something about that show… like, the production value isn’t really that great. Love the dude though. I am going to listen to Damaged now.

    Sarah: I will try my best.

  2. i saw sinead o’connor on oprah today talking about her bi polarisms – oprah asked her if she had any advice for britney – sinead said – i invite her to come live in ireland

    perhaps britney could live in ireland????

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