Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,

I have gone to your shops every morning for coffee since 2003. I love Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Unlike that shitty Starbucks garbage, your coffee actually tastes like coffee; not some burnt elephant feces mixed with cream and sugar. Seriously, kudos on not selling out to that new-age, rich white people coffee shit.

On top of ordering a coffee every morning, I usually tag team that with something like a donut or a croissant to fill my stomach with excitement. On most days however, I tend to go for the classic – the bagel with cream cheese. Here’s where the problem lies.

Is it really necessary to put a 6″ thick wall of cream cheese between the bagel halves? I mean seriously, why so much cream cheese? I can scrape off the extra cream cheese from my Monday bagel and use it on all my bagels throughout the week and still have some left over. Seriously, how is the world’s cream cheese supply not in danger from you people?

bagel.jpg

Too Much Cream of Cheese (10/2007)

“Why don’t you ask for a lighter amount?”

Come on, you think I haven’t tried that in the past 3 or 4 years? If I say, “Can you only put on a little please?”, they put a paper thin layer of it on. You can’t even taste it. And if you say something like, “Can you just put on a normal amount?”, they put that brick between it again. Who the fuck eats that much cream cheese? I go through like 75 napkins with each bagel I eat from you people.

“Why don’t you go somewhere else?”

I won’t go anywhere else because you really have the best coffee in town. There is a Burger King nearby but that place smells when you get too close to it. And their breakfast sucks anyway. I like not weighing over 200 lbs.

In closing, would it be possible for you to send out a little memo out to your managers? It could say something like this:

Team:

Can you please limit the amount of cream cheese you put on bagels from here on out? That stuff isn’t free. There is no reason why a single bagel should have $4.32 worth of cream cheese on it. Especially when the bagel itself costs about $1. There really is no need for it. It’s not like we’re going to pay you more than $6.00 an hour because you used up all the cream cheese. Use your heads people.

Sincerely,

The Dunkin’ Donuts Higher Up Rich White Guy

I hope this helps you. I would love to grab a bagel from Dunkin’ Donuts tomorrow and not have to spend 7 minutes (and 63 napkins) taking care of the cream cheese situation.

Regards,

Mike Bronson

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

12 thoughts on “Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,”

  1. Oooh, that provides another conundrum. They give one of those small, Philadelphia Cream Cheese things, that isn’t enough for their size bagel. It’s good for a half but not for a whole.

  2. This is an outrage. What about the starving kids in Africa who don’t even have enough lion carcass to eat? And here in America we’re so rich that we’re practically throwing creamy cheese at Dunkin’ Donuts’ patrons. Can you ship some of that excess cream cheese to Africa Bronson5? I’m sure it’ll still be good by the time it gets there.

  3. I am apalled at your attitude, sir. There can be no such thing as cream cheese. I would consider myself blessed if I were to go to Tim Horton’s (the Canuck version of Dunkin’ Donuts) and receive that much cream cheese. I have to beg them to put more on.
    Cream cheese is a food of the gods, and frankly, I believe you have just committed blasphemy.

  4. Abarclay: I don’t think cream cheese can really make it across the seas like that without getting stale. Ew. Good idea though. Maybe I can create artwork at it by flinging it on the wall in my office…

    Talea: There is such thing as too much cream cheese. Have you ever just eaten cream cheese straight out the container with a spoon? I witnessed that once in my life and have made certain to never allow such a site to cross these eyes.

  5. Of….course….not. I wouldn’t…ahem….ever do that. Okay, I did. With my finger though, I didn’t eat it off a spoon. I just scooped it up with my finger.
    There. It’s out there now.

  6. LOL @ “I like not weighing 200 Lbs”…

    And yo, why did that wall of cream cheese look so angry in your picture? I was frightened…was it simply pissed off, ’cause it knew its cream cheese face was gonna get scraped off by your napkin and thrown in the garbage?

    And also, here is my confession,’cause we need to be honest in our relationship: I drink starbucks everyday like a snobby rich white person (though I am not rich, nor white, but perhaps a little snobby). I don’t think it tastes like elephant feces at all; mine is a toffee-nut delight for the senses…anyhoo, I don’t know if this changes the dynamic of our relationship…

  7. I forgive you for drinking Starbucks. It’s okay. We can’t all be 100% perfect, but I will settle for 98%. Is that cool?

    And when does the 4th mystery challenge start? I can only rant about things for so long before I get tired. I need something new.

  8. I have to agree man.. anytime i order anything that has goop on it.. i just tell them to put it on the side. this can be anything from a hamburger to a bagel. It makes me sick.. Especially when they glop mayo all over my hamburger.

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