I’m no celebrity. I am just a poor white kid, living in Florida, without talents in shitty pop music or the looks of a coked-out retired porn star (sorry Britney Spears). That being said, I would love the opportunity to be on TV or in a film or on the radio. But there is just no room for a guy like me in the grand scheme of things. Instead, I draw pictures for you.
The look of 1984 – Dog the Bounty Hunter (11/2007)
If a Leprechaun granted me a wish though, I can tell you there are certain things I would know to keep myself from doing if and when I did become an uber celebrity like Yahoo Serious. Wait, not like him. Like Tom Cruise. Here is a short list of life lessons every celebrity should follow (according to yours truly):
- Racism is no good for a camera! If you feel the need to be a racist asshole, like Dog or Mel Gibson, keep it in your home. Remember, there are cameras everywhere and that shit will end up on youtube.
- Homophobia is no good for a camera either! Hear that Jerry Lewis or Isaiah Washington? Keep that shit to yourself or save it for the Republican National Convention.
- Hollywood is bad for your image. Take a queue from Britney Spears… living in this city is dangerous. Just going to the store with your kid without putting them in a child’s seat can result in years of custody battles. And it will be captured on camera. So there goes your innocence.
- Scientology is the laughing stock of every person on the planet with a brain bigger than a grain of sand. Sure, you have lots of money now that you’re a celebrity, but do you really want to waste it on a religion who believes alien souls reside inside Earth’s volcanoes? Become a Mormon instead. Choosing this religion will result in offers to be in the Wild Hogs sequel.
- Sniffing Cocaine in public will make tomorrow’s news. If you’re going to snort that delicious snow, do it at home. Or else you’ll end up in rehab faster than Tom Sizemore can throw a punch.
- Don’t pretend you’re something you aren’t. Remember when Rosie came out? Remember when Lance Bass came out? If either of these events surprised you, please throw yourself off a building. But if you’re a celebrity, there is no point in lying. Tell the truth from the get-go and you can avoid looking like an idiot on Perez Hilton’s blog, or the Larry King show.
- You can’t hide a pregnancy. Seriously J-Lo… either you have a kid in there or your stomach is turning into your ass. Why allow people to think that? Just let it out already.