The time I shit on the toilet seat…

Romi’s entry today brought back a memory in me I haven’t thought about in some time. I was about 5 year-old in 1986. I was outside playing with some neighborhood kids when I felt the sudden urge to take a shit. When you’re a kid though, and you’re outside playing, running back to your house to take a shit is the last thing you want to do.

So I held it. And I held it for hours. By the time I made it back to my house, I thought I was going to explode. I couldn’t even run home either, because I was clenching my cheeks so tight, I was afraid something might shoot lose. I finally made it to the downstairs bathroom and shut the door. As I spun around and lifted the toilet seat, I started pulling down my pants and He-Man underwear. As I backed my ass to the seat, it happened.

I just couldn’t couldn’t hold it any longer. It came out right before I sat down and landed on the seat. I turned around and looked at it for a minute. My dad still lived with us at the time, and he came in and said, “What the hell did you do that for?”

I explained to him what had happened and he responded with, “It’s bad to hold it in you know.” Now, 21 years later, my dad still tells that story as if it happened yesterday. Now, I am not embarrassed at all by this story. But pops adds all these details that simply never happened. Take a look at the diagram.

toilet.jpg

How I remember it is represented on the left side. A simple duke on the toilet seat itself; no more, no less. My dad claims there was shit everywhere – on the walls, on the bowl, on the floor. Sometimes, he even says that I drew pictures and shit, like of houses and dogs and smiley faces. This claim is represented on the right side. It’s like Rashomon all over again. Which side is the real truth?

11 comments

  1. Nikki G · November 26, 2007

    Dumbass – I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

  2. abarclay12 · November 26, 2007

    Thank you for your candid post today B-5. Sometimes I’ve been a bit intoxy and I’ve sat down for a fine urination session, and I’ve forgotten to pull down my drawers. So . . . we all have our moments I guess.

  3. Saimfeld · November 26, 2007

    Oh. My. God.

  4. sexualtrex · November 26, 2007

    Dude, you and Romi both had me rolling today. I love these stories.

  5. Josh · November 26, 2007

    I’ve noticed that too, how as time goes by the embarrassing story gets embellished till it hardly even resembles the original truth. Like the time I told my mom she had gorilla-like tits at the zoo (I was very very young, and I think I said breasts, not tits), all of a sudden i made this long speech about it, and gathered crowds from some sort of quickly erected stage, and there were diagrams illustrating my point. It’s not fair.

  6. romi41 · November 26, 2007

    Oh bronson! I’m so glad I inspired you to share your poop-story; I’m so excited about all the “poop incidents” I’ve been hearing about today; I have a poop-story of my own to share, but it’ll be a little while before that rolls out :-)

    And by the way, I loved the key details you weren’t afraid to share: i.e. your clenching butt-cheeks, your “duke”, your He-Man underwear…hahaha..you’re the cutest! :-)

    And AS ALWAYS, that “certain special something about you”: “LOVE THE PICTURE” :-) Oh my goodness, at first I was just reading what your dad described, as in “the poo-smiley face, the poo-pictures”, but you depicted it SO well, like I see the smiley face on the toilet seat, and the poo-house that’s off in the distance, your poo-pet-dog, perhaps a poo-snake on the left? You didn’t forget a thing! Splendid :-)

  7. bronsonfive · November 26, 2007

    Nikki: Crying by way of laughter is good.

    Abarclay: I am sort of glad I don’t have to sit when I pee. Especially because of how forgetful I am.

    Saimfeld: Is that bad?

    Trek: Romi inspires the very best of me.

    Josh: That story sounds very post/picture worthy.

    Romi: Poop stories shouldn’t wait kid. They should be out in the open for all to hear. And on the left; I am not sure what that is actually. I guess I will go with poo snake. Thanks for your kind words kid.

  8. joebec · November 26, 2007

    HAHAHAH!!!

    That sucks, and I know EXACTLY what you mean. my dad and stepmom tell people stories about me and fuck them up all the time. I try to tell them, but apparently because it invloved me, i don’t know shit about it. oh well… I just laugh.

  9. Pingback: The Life and Crazy Times of Sexual T-Rex « Slam Dizzle
  10. bronsonfive · November 26, 2007

    Joebec: Parents are dumb. And as Fresh Prince once said, they just don’t understand.

  11. 462 · November 26, 2007

    Lmao. This is my favorite story now. I remember when I was four I had to pee, but I had overalls on, and as hard as I tried I couldn’t get the snaps undone,that was the first time I thought I was a failure. I’ve never worn overalls since. It does make me laugh that your parents added their slant to what really happened, I don’t understand when other people think they can recapture a memory that doesnt belong to them better than you can. Lol…but something about your pic looks like thats coming from your memory bank. ;)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s