The GRE can suck it…

**Please note, the picture at the end of this entry is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever drawn. But I am angry. So look with caution.

I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about how applying to graduate school can suck it. It’s an adventure I decided to embark on however, as making $30,000 a year for the rest of my miserable days just isn’t the kind of ride I am looking for. Plus, I really like teaching. Not little dumb ass kids, no, dumb ass college students. I really like teaching college students.

Apparently there is a test you have to take for admission into most graduate programs. It’s called the GRE (other majors have to take the GMAT, lawyers have to take the LSTAT). I’ve been preparing for this cunt for the past 5 months or so. I even went so far as to take a prep-course which cost me $500. And then the test was $140 to register for. So far, this stupid fucking test cost me $640. Thank balls for credit cards.

There is math on this bitch. The lady teaching my prep-course said, “All the math problems on the GRE are at a 9th grade level.” I am here to disprove that shit. Here is a secret about me I’m not particularly proud of sharing: I failed 9th grade twice. Not because I was dumb academically, but because I was more interesting in skateboarding, juggling, videotaping shit, smoking weed, drinking, and movies.

By my third year of high school though, I started getting laid and that woke me up to doing better. So I got put in this program for dummies like me who failed a whole bunch of times. I had to do all this work to catch up and take some vocational programs too, just so I would graduate on time. They also made me take the GED just to prove I was “academically challenged” enough to earn the High School Diploma. Let me tell you this about the GED: if you know someone who dropped out of high school and didn’t pass it, punch them in the fucking face with a pot of hot coffee. That was the easiest test I’ve ever taken, and I failed 9th grade twice.

So yeah, I graduated the year I was supposed to (1999) with the diploma I was supposed to. I didn’t start college though until 4 years later. I just didn’t think I needed it. But then I realized that was stupid, so I just enrolled. Which brings me to today. I have two finals this week and then I will finally have my Bachelors Degree. Liberal Studies with minors in English Writing and Cinema Studies – woo-hoo! Pass the bubbly.

Wait, hold on a second. Bachelors Degrees apparently don’t mean shit anymore. Especially in my field, so I have to continue onward in the educational process. Fuck, I am going to be 35 and bald by the time I finish that shit. And student loan payments jiggle my balls real good.

This past Saturday, I finally took the fucking GRE. I was up all night Friday taking fucking pre-tests (and doing okay on them). Now that it’s over, my thoughts on the retardization that is standardized testing solidified.

Check out this philosophy. So I want to get into a graduate program. I went to college, got my degree, and now I want to continue onward and get my Masters. What does that mean? That all the fucking college work I’ve done up until now doesn’t mean shit. I have to take a fucking test to prove my worth. My degree is as useful as a cum-rag underwater. I want to get my Masters in something English related, so I have to take a test with fucking MATH questions on it, when I haven’t taken a math class since Clinton was in office. How does that make any sense?

But I played the game. I took the stupid fucking test, had an extremely hard time with it, and BOMBED the shit out of it. Just so you understand how bad I did, let me paint that picture for you. From what I understand, the test is worth 1600 points. A good score is about a 1100 and above. Do you know what I, Mike Bronson, got on this crab-infested mess of pubic hair of a test?

I got a 700. A fucking 700. Your dead grandma could have gotten a better score than me. A used condom could have gotten a better score. A 700 – that’s probably the worst score in GRE history. Maybe now a school will accept me because they feel sorry for me. Probably not. I am now reminded of the Dead Kennedys’ song, Pull My Strings. Biafra sings, “Is my cock big enough? Are my brains small enough, for you to make me a star?” Perhaps I now have a career in the entertainment world.

I decided to draw a picture dedicated to standardized testing everywhere. Here is to you, GRE test of doom.


Feminine Napkin of Doom (12/2007)

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

30 thoughts on “The GRE can suck it…”

  1. I bet you can find a school out there that doesn’t require the GRE’s. Or they make you take them AFTER you’re already in school. I didn’t have to take shit to get into grad school.

    BTW, grad school fucking blows. I didn’t learn anything new. All I have to do is finish up a final project and I’m done. I’ve done nothing for it since last December. I’ll get to it eventually.

  2. oh my goodness, FUCK THE GRE! I just wanna hug you bronson, ’cause you been wronged bitch! I know what you mean; WHY THE FUCK would you need to take math, or any test at all as a “deal breaker”, wtf were the last four years for then!?!??! But seriously that math component irks me; it’s like if someone had said “Romi, you need to complete a ballet recital before you get your business degree”…bitches!!!

    PS: fave line: “I’ve been preparing for this cunt for the past 5 months or so”

    PPS: I actually love your pic; you push boundaries, and it rocks :-)

  3. Trek: There are indeed schools that don’t care about the GRE, but in my state, they are few and far between. The search is on though, but I am still going to apply to the ones I wanted to in the first place.

    Romi: I slide those lines in there for you, in an attempt to get your attention. And you can hug me any day you wish, though I’ll safe that for a non-sympathy hug. I want to be the boy to warm your mother’s heart.

    Abar: I think I did that… then, I put a used tampon in its mouth. Ugh, that’s just dirty, even for joking around.

  4. standardized tests in general are retarded. I didn’t do that great on the SAT, but look at me. I’m about to graduate, make lots of money, and have girls all over my cock. in 10 years, it wont matter what you get. promise.

  5. Dude,

    I too have been disenchanted by my GRE score. I took it so long ago thati will have to take it again. I dread the second coming, unless it’s me doing the coming. So, beside my fluid line, I will go have a beer with you soon.

  6. this is classing and describes how i feel about standardized testing in every essence. FUCK IT! .:nod:. there was actually a very philosophical (read: drunken) conversation at the bar the other night about standardized testing and who “THEY” are and how THEY get to chose what NORMAL is and exactly what percentage of the population is this so called NORMAL. pfft. NORMAL people suck. haha. Take care, and keep those drawings coming. I did almost gag when i seen it, I admit, I scrolled to see the image first. :( THEN it made sense, it was like seeing the holy grail…. sort of. Good times, awesome blog.

  7. I just wrote mine today. and the computer fucked up… i’m so mad i can’t even articulate a reasonable critique of the GRE… not to say that it deserves one… the GRE can suck my standardized balls…

  8. The GRE and the racket ETS has on standardized testing is complete BS. I’ve studied my ass of for years just to fucking apply to grad school so that I can live above the poverty level and now this tests stands in my fucking way.

    I am broke as a joke and spent my money to buy Christmas presents on another GRE retake. Merry Fucking Christmas. Oh, I did some research into ETS and they are pure evil money grubbing bastards. The prez of this “non-profit” makes over a million a year. As for complaints, if you are a test taker and you want to complain about something related to ETS testing, you can’t. Why? Because they don’t take complaints! Shady bastards aren’t even located in Princeton, NJ. They are actually in Lawrenceveille.

    I’ve blogged a LOT about this in my blog, so check it out if you are super pissed, as I am. The address is :

    Try to get involved with the National Center for Fair Testing to help future students out so they don’t have to see their dreams go down the toilet because they can’t remember 9th grade math at the age of 30.

  9. Hey, man. I feel your pain. I’m studying for the GRE now and was in the same boat. I am going to get my Master’s in Film Studies to teach cinema, and I have to take this crap. I am also really good at English and completely craptastic at math. I have a learning disability called Dyscalculia which I didn’t even know I had until I was almost done with college. Maybe you have it as well – it doesn’t show up on standardized testing which totally blows, so there’s really no exception they will hand me. I digress. Anyway, I hope you got accepted. TAKE CARE!

  10. FUCK IT!!!

    I have been working on that shit for almost 4 months I quit my job to study, I studied for over 8 hour a day the month before I took it… fuck it… I needed at least 900 to apply for a grant… 900 which is the half of possible… I got 840… yes I am a foreigner, english is not my first language but fucking math I got 380!!! fuck it, this test is made for failing it… like it does not prove how much you really know who ever gets a good score is because they are lucky how we are unlucky that is the thru and since is does NOT prove a shit of how ready you really are for grad school Why to make it a requirement??? WHY?

    Fuck it!

  11. The GRE is a bitch! I keep taking practice tests and rocking the verbal but sucking balls at the math… probably because I haven’t done that kind of math since 9th or 10th grade! Now, if you put some basic calculus questions in front of me, I’d have much better fuck, but this fucking algebraic bullshit is pissing me off. Not looking forward to taking the real thing next weekend…

  12. Hi,

    I’m a student with learning disabilities who had an absolutely horrific experience with trying to write the GREs (seriously- it was like something out of the 50’s). I’ve since decided to take some action, and am asking for other students with disabilities who had bad experiences with ETS to forward me their personal stories. I’ll be putting them together and then sending them to ETS, the APA, CPA, and any other professional organization I can get (we may also consult with a lawyer).

    I will also be circulating a petition for disabled and non-disabled persons to sign, demanding an inquiry into the testing situation and reforms to how they provide/facilitate accommodations.

    If you’re interested in taking part in any way (to sign the petition when it’s officially up and running or to share your story), feel free to e-mail me at


  13. u all r failures that’s why u r talking like a shit about GRE.
    I have taken GRE & got a score over 1350 … now doing PHD in CSE.
    U loosers don’t blame other for your failures.

    try yo accept the reality … u all r the third class citizen of USA as u have a ass like brain full of shit.

  14. ur an asshole—u shud try shovin that tampon there to plug up the endless braind-dead puke comin outta it. no wonder the gre fucked you over.

    okay, im done. now you can continue whining along with the other losers who are too stupid to write a fucking test in shit they have been learning and immersed in SINCE BIRTH.

  15. The GRE clearly sucks HUGE balls, but you definitely rock for expressing my (and others’) sentiments so perfectly. I scored an 1190 (Q 530, V 690) last year, and figured that that was what cost me a spot in an Ivy League graduate program. But I did the whole thing “cold”, so I wasn’t too bummed out about it. Yes, the math portion SUCKED – when the fuck do I ever have to calculate the volume of a cylinder? I am a doctor, and while the math isn’t maybe that hard, it definitely isn’t easy to rack your brain for vague geometric formulas you haven’t studied since 1996 under time pressure.

    So in early December this year, I decided to study for the GRE hardcore for 2 weeks and to focus on the math. I “improved” my math score by 40 points to 570 (woohoo?) but mysteriously my verbal score dropped a whopping 160 points from 690 to 530. English is my first language, it certainly hasn’t worsened in the last year, and I actually studied for it this time around. So which is a true assessment of my verbal ability? The 530? Or the 690? More importantly, how does it even matter?

    Verdict? The GRE measures nothing except luck, how stressed-out about it you are, and how well you slept the night before. Nothing to do about it, but maybe it’s time to consider graduate programs across the pond instead.

  16. I’m depressed :( 3 practice tests and 2 months of studying and i still can’t get over 1000 consistently. 510 on the math when i have a mechanical engineering degree? all this test does is make me feel stupid.

  17. I’ve been sitting here in a heaving crying pile of self pity because I just took the GRE this morning and after months of studying it BOMBED it! i’m sitting here reading with bouts of crying and laughing at the same time! thank God no one else is home..

  18. I HATE this FUCKING test…. i have been prepping for verbal for over 2 months and all i get is shit.. i’m a FUCKING engineer for god’s sake, why do i have to learn words!!

  19. A-FUCKING-MEN! The GRE is SOOO ARBITRARY, but your whole post is the TITS! :) Imma vent for a sec… seriously… I worked my ass off in undergrad, graduated with a 3.9 GPA and this thing could potentially keep me from getting into school? I may not realize my dreams because I have dyscalculia and I can’t do a math problem in 1.25 minutes and because due to visual spatial problems I have a hard time reading fucking graphs?! Seriously… DA FUQ does that shit have to DO with being a psychiatric nurse practitioner? Nothing… that is the answer. Ugh!

  20. I completely hate the fucking GRE! I just started studying via Princeton Review and I swear I want to go slap every muthafucker that works for that bastard place and ETS in the fucking face with a damn abacus! Who the fuck prepares this shit? I would much rather play a game of “Am I going to destroy the world if I don’t win this shitty tic-tac-toe game” with Matthew Broderick’s bitch ass computer in that fucking 80’s movie. THAT would be less stress and if I lost at least I’d be dead! Shit. Just shit.

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