**Please note, the picture at the end of this entry is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever drawn. But I am angry. So look with caution.
I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about how applying to graduate school can suck it. It’s an adventure I decided to embark on however, as making $30,000 a year for the rest of my miserable days just isn’t the kind of ride I am looking for. Plus, I really like teaching. Not little dumb ass kids, no, dumb ass college students. I really like teaching college students.
Apparently there is a test you have to take for admission into most graduate programs. It’s called the GRE (other majors have to take the GMAT, lawyers have to take the LSTAT). I’ve been preparing for this cunt for the past 5 months or so. I even went so far as to take a prep-course which cost me $500. And then the test was $140 to register for. So far, this stupid fucking test cost me $640. Thank balls for credit cards.
There is math on this bitch. The lady teaching my prep-course said, “All the math problems on the GRE are at a 9th grade level.” I am here to disprove that shit. Here is a secret about me I’m not particularly proud of sharing: I failed 9th grade twice. Not because I was dumb academically, but because I was more interesting in skateboarding, juggling, videotaping shit, smoking weed, drinking, and movies.
By my third year of high school though, I started getting laid and that woke me up to doing better. So I got put in this program for dummies like me who failed a whole bunch of times. I had to do all this work to catch up and take some vocational programs too, just so I would graduate on time. They also made me take the GED just to prove I was “academically challenged” enough to earn the High School Diploma. Let me tell you this about the GED: if you know someone who dropped out of high school and didn’t pass it, punch them in the fucking face with a pot of hot coffee. That was the easiest test I’ve ever taken, and I failed 9th grade twice.
So yeah, I graduated the year I was supposed to (1999) with the diploma I was supposed to. I didn’t start college though until 4 years later. I just didn’t think I needed it. But then I realized that was stupid, so I just enrolled. Which brings me to today. I have two finals this week and then I will finally have my Bachelors Degree. Liberal Studies with minors in English Writing and Cinema Studies – woo-hoo! Pass the bubbly.
Wait, hold on a second. Bachelors Degrees apparently don’t mean shit anymore. Especially in my field, so I have to continue onward in the educational process. Fuck, I am going to be 35 and bald by the time I finish that shit. And student loan payments jiggle my balls real good.
This past Saturday, I finally took the fucking GRE. I was up all night Friday taking fucking pre-tests (and doing okay on them). Now that it’s over, my thoughts on the retardization that is standardized testing solidified.
Check out this philosophy. So I want to get into a graduate program. I went to college, got my degree, and now I want to continue onward and get my Masters. What does that mean? That all the fucking college work I’ve done up until now doesn’t mean shit. I have to take a fucking test to prove my worth. My degree is as useful as a cum-rag underwater. I want to get my Masters in something English related, so I have to take a test with fucking MATH questions on it, when I haven’t taken a math class since Clinton was in office. How does that make any sense?
But I played the game. I took the stupid fucking test, had an extremely hard time with it, and BOMBED the shit out of it. Just so you understand how bad I did, let me paint that picture for you. From what I understand, the test is worth 1600 points. A good score is about a 1100 and above. Do you know what I, Mike Bronson, got on this crab-infested mess of pubic hair of a test?
I got a 700. A fucking 700. Your dead grandma could have gotten a better score than me. A used condom could have gotten a better score. A 700 – that’s probably the worst score in GRE history. Maybe now a school will accept me because they feel sorry for me. Probably not. I am now reminded of the Dead Kennedys’ song, Pull My Strings. Biafra sings, “Is my cock big enough? Are my brains small enough, for you to make me a star?” Perhaps I now have a career in the entertainment world.
I decided to draw a picture dedicated to standardized testing everywhere. Here is to you, GRE test of doom.
Feminine Napkin of Doom (12/2007)