My friend just called me up and told me her dad was in the hospital. “What for?” I asked. I met her dad a few times before. The first time was back in the summer of 2003. It was so magical, Bryan Adams could have written a song about it. He talked to me about the age of the Civil War and how many plantations were in his town. When I think of the world’s baddest badasses, this guy, we’ll call him John, is on the list.
The next time I met him was Thanksgiving of this year. He arrived to her house wearing some crazy flannel pajama bottoms. He smokes these crazy long cigarettes, like Marlboro 100s or something, and wouldn’t even flinch when he put them out on your head. This guy would kick a turtle over on its shell, then steal money from kids waiting at the bus stop.
Thanksgiving evening, my friend decided to take her folks for a scenic drive around her town. This was the first time her parents visited her. Before we left, he grabbed the garbage and told us to pick him up at the dumpster. About 10 minutes later, we showed up to the dumpster to get him. What I saw next is an image that still makes me laugh to this day. He was standing next to the dumpster, with a lit 100 in his mouth, sleeping. This motherfucker is so badass, he can fall asleep standing up next to a dumpster while smoking.
So back to the situation at hand: “His toe somehow got infected and it spread to his body.” Perplexed, I continued onward with the investigation. This guy would punch an infection in the balls, and then piss on its face. “How did that happen?” She replied, “I am not really sure. I guess he had a blister on his toe and it got infected.” Shit, your toe can get infected from a blister? That shit is scary.
Apparently he has two doctors. One of them seems to think his toe needs to be amputated and the other is sure he’ll be find with some pills and what not. I wish him nothing but the best and hope he comes out of there with all of his toes in tact. Here is to you John. May you continue to fall asleep while pushing a loaded baby stroller down a steep hill and never take a dive.
The Violent Toe (1/2008)