Back in November of 1998, I was a senior in high school and in dire need of employment. My run at Dairy Queen had ended tragically (awesome story about that coming in the future) and the only place I wanted to work in my small little town was a Regal Cinemas. The Regal Spring Hill 8 to be exact. It was a terrible job but I worked with some cool people. Actually, many of them were assholes, but I learned then that’s what life in the employment world is.
There was this one kid though, who I’ll never forget as long as I live. One time, a bunch of us were standing around, waiting for the next cinematic rush to happen. Shakespeare in Love was about to start at any minute and it was sure to attract a group of old women who finished up their Bingo shifts at the local retirement community.
The conversation of masturbation came up. I love talking about jerking off almost as much as I love doing it. But this one kid, his name Matt, he apparently loved it so much that he tried to do it with anything and everything. So there we were, about 5 of us, talking about the big solo show. Matt, in the midst of a silent pause, finally asked, “Hey dude, have you ever jerked off with a pillow?”
“What?” I asked puzzled.
“You know, like, fuck your pillow. That shit feels his good,” he replied with confidence.
“Dude, you fuck your pillows?”
“Yeah man,” he replied without hesitation.
After a bit of idiotic shock, I decided to ask the obvious, “Where do the fluids go?”
Without skipping a beat, he said, “Right on the pillow man, I just throw the pillow case in the wash right afterwards.”
“That’s a lot of work dude, and pillow cases aren’t fluid proof… some of that shit is going to make it to the actual pillow,” I tried informing him.
The kid didn’t seem to be bothered by that. Regardless, he was known as the pillow fucker from then on out. Still to this day, when I talk to my friend (the one with the dad with the missing toe), we call him “The Pillow Fucker.” Still makes us laugh to this day.
I looked this kid up on myspace a few months ago just to see where life has taken him. It’s amazing… this kid ended up going to college and currently holds a Master’s Degree in business. I guess maybe I should have been the one fucking pillows. I am the same age as this kid and look at me.
All I need in this life of sin, is me and my pillow (1/2008)