Orlando is Dead

I moved to Orlando in the summer of 1999. It was a huge step for me. I was escaping my hometown for good, abandoning everything I ever knew, and moving to a new city with actual city life (like buildings and such). The first 5 years I was here, I loved it. I mean, I didn’t get very much accomplished in those first few years but now, in year 9, I feel as if everything I could’ve accomplished has come to pass.

There is something going on here though. The city feels like it’s dying. It all began a few months ago when my favorite cinema house closed down – The Carmike University 8. It was one of those super ghetto theaters that wasn’t even hip enough to have stadium seating, when every other theater in Orlando does. They didn’t give a fuck. The Carmike held its middle finger high. They even had this thing, called “late matinées”, where tickets for showings between 5pm-6pm were only $3.75.

But then some media conglomerate who owns a large portion of this town purchased it and plans on turning it into classrooms for their fancy private institution. I saw fucking Daddy Day Care and Gigli there… you can’t fuck around with that kind of history. And if those two titles weren’t garbage enough, the last movie I saw there was Dragon Wars. That movie is the cinematic equivalent to having crabs. I’m not going to explain that though.

I did see a lot of good shit there though. I saw Superbad and Shoot Em Up there. Shit, the first movie I saw there was back in 2000. It was Sam Raimi’s The Gift. Not only was it Raimi’s last good movie (Spider-Man 1-3 aren’t good movies people), but it’s the one in which Katie Holmes let’s the girls out to play. I used to think that was cool back in the early part of this century but not so much now that the aliens have taken over her soul. And why doesn’t that bitch talk out of both sides of her mouth, did she have a stroke or something? But I digress.

Now the theater is no more. 7 years of memories gone, like that. And that isn’t the only thing that died here… we recently lost our only non-Clear Channel rock station. 105.9 is now some awful classic station that only plays the classics of mediocrity.

Perhaps this is the end of Orlando. Sure, we still have our Disney shit and Universal Studios, but I’ve actually never gone to those places since I’ve moved here. I hate theme parks. “Hey guys, let’s go pay $50 a person so we can go stand in line in the hot sun all day and wait in line for 4 minutes of glory.” Sweet dude. Let me get my check book.

Recently, a lot of my friends have moved on from here, and others threaten to do so soon. Perhaps it is time to go. I’m about up for parole in a couple of months. Maybe I’ll get out for good behavior. Keep your fingers crossed.


Two Ways to Spell ‘Theater’ – (1/2008)

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

12 thoughts on “Orlando is Dead”

  1. Cheetah: You have 8 Mile to work with. All this shitty city gave us musically was Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.

    Steve: Man, it doesn’t get any better than that. I secretly LOVE that movie, but now it’s not so secret.

  2. This doesn’t have all that much to do with your post, but I really hate the fact that I have to avoid going to the theater on a Friday or Saturday night due to obnoxious teenagers who talk out loud throughout the movie. It makes me want to fucking murder.

  3. This post was so emotional for me: I laughed, I said WTF (in an “agreement way”, i.e. about Katie Holmes’ “stroke face”) and I even said “awww” a few times (like about your friends moving and shit)….

    Good luck on getting parole, you need to move on out and have a life adventure! :-)

  4. Andrea: Yes… awful Regal, here we come.

    Trex: I hate those kids too. And the young 12 year-olds with skirts so short, you can see their junk. Where are the parents?

    Romi: I am glad I can give you such a cathartic experience. My words aren’t that skilled too often. And I am preparing for the hearing… I’ll let you know how it goes.

  5. u need to take the journey with me – yes it will suck – but nothing sucks as bad what we go through here. and it would only be temporary and -at the risk of sounding incestuous- at least we’d have each other to deal with the suckiness of going back to square one. its not going to be any better.

  6. that sucks! we have a ghetto theatre right near my house. it’s only $2.50 on the weekends and 1.00 during the week! I saw Hitman there on Friday. I don’t know what I would do if they closed that place down. I’d definitely drink though…definitely.

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