“I don’t play the sport, I just wear the shirt.”

I was working at part time retail job the other day when something utterly astounding happened. It was one of those rare times when I actually thought, “I’m going to draw a picture of this douche.” Most other times, I just draw what comes to me at the moment. But this next asshole was planned.

So there I was, standing around with nothing to do, as it was a Thursday night and no one ever comes in those nights. This one kid I work with starts talking to me about sports and I give my diatribe about how I don’t really understand them. He tells me about rugby but not enough to where I can remember it clearly to detail to you.

Hours later, and strictly by coincidence, this younger college student guy walks up to the counter. His shirt says some shit like, “American Rugby” or something. My co-worker gets excited. “Nice shirt, do you play?” The guy looks puzzled. “What are you talking about man?” My co-worker replies, “Your shirt… do you play rugby?”

Here is what he said. “Oh no dude, I got this at American Eagle* or some shit like that.” My poor young co-worker looked defeated, as if someone killed his hamster with a cheese grater.

So this sack of douche walks around town wearing a shirt for a sport he doesn’t give a rat’s cornhole about. What is the point of that? I never understood why people wear shirts for shit they don’t care about. You don’t see me walking around wearing Spider-Man shirt or “President Bush for Life” shirts. I don’t host clothing that means nothing to me.

But that’s what these whacky white fraternity types do though. I see it all the time. Shirts with no relation to their being. I love seeing little kids with shirts like that though. Kids always wear shirts that have no relation to anything really. I always see kids wearing this one shirt that says “Balls!” and has all these different balls on it. Not balls, like testicles, no. Balls like footballs and soccer balls and baseballs. There is also the super-generic child shirt that says, “Sports!” Why do kids shirts always monosyllabic words followed by exclamation points? Life was so simple then.

sport.jpg

Fucking Idiot (2/2008)

*I actually can’t remember the name of the store but it did have “American” in it. It’s one of those stores I am too un-hip to shop in.

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

19 thoughts on ““I don’t play the sport, I just wear the shirt.””

  1. “I’m going to draw a picture of this douche.” LOL…

    Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister crack me up too. I have a gay friend who goes to the mall with me sometimes and he likes to walk by those stores when we go, just to take a gander at the young meat working in there. If there is no meat, then the giant-sized black & white photographs of these guys mounting each other will suffice for him.

  2. Kerplar: his use of profanity delights me, sometimes in my soul, and sometimes in my “private place” :-)

    Bronson: Do you know how great it is when you have these detailed stories to go with the pics? It’s like experiencing Christmas morning in a rich kid’s house, whilst high on expensive crack…amazing :-)

    And you know what I hate? I hate when grown-ups wear shirts with fucking phrases on them, that are supposed to make them cool or some shit..like for example when a chick wears a t-shirt that says: “It’s not easy being this perfect” (even though if you take one look at her, you can see she’s a fat slob), or when a brown-haired chick wears a shirt that says “Brunettes Do It Better”….brunettes do WHAT better? Do they be “lame bitches” better? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

    Fuckers.

    Wow, that felt good, thanks for the open forum B5 ;-)

  3. Cheetah: That story is magical and captivating. But I haven’t been to a mall in years (for anything other than cinema purposes). I do not know of this artwork you speak. If only they hung up my masterful drawings instead.

    Lucky: I am glad you enjoyed my classic literary style. Fuck you, James Joyce.

    Kerplar: That is the compliment I have searched for my whole life. It’s both an honor and a pleasure.

    Romi: I am thankful that your “private place” thinks of me from time to time. Makes me smile a bit.

    As for shirts with corny phrases, I always call them “The Gas Station Fashion Show” because you always see those shitty shirts at gas stations. Flea markets too, but I find the bargains for witty shirts at gas stations are better.

  4. Woah, I’m totally surprised that nobody has commented on the genius that is killing someone’s hamster with a cheese grater. I’d make an awesome babysitter. Get your ass to bed or buttons gets it with the starfrit!!!

  5. We have some pretty stupid bumper stickers in our lobby – Just now, my customer was laughing about one of them and told me it reminded him of a shirt he bought at a truck stop. I stopped listening after that. All I could think of was “The Gas Station Fashion Show”.

  6. First of all, I love “sack of douche” – that is hilay. Second, it’s really great how people wear shirts that have nothing to do with them. However, for the sake of fashion, some sacks of douche do this because it makes them look more sporty and in touch with the masses. Places like Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle make it easy to look like your last man off the bench. Maybe the frat ho’s dig it.

  7. This is only tangentially related to the topic, but you know what I think are hilarious? The changeable signs outside fast-food restaurants that make it sound as if the reader has NOTHING in his life to be excited about beyond what may be going on inside the establishment. My all-time favorite was the proud declaration, “Fajitas are BACK!” As if any of us had been sitting at home in despair, wondering if the place was ever going to reinstate its “we make fajitas” policy before the deep disappointment moved us to take the pipe. Also, if the fajitas had been allowed to go away in the first place, doesn’t that mean not too many folks would be thrilled to the shorthairs by the prospect of their phoenix-like resurrection? Unless there had been some FDA mess that needed to be cleared up, in which case the sign might as well have boasted, “Salmonella charges have been wiped! Fajitas are cleared to try again!”

  8. Green: Sometimes my words are so genius, there simply isn’t any room for comment.

    Lucky: I think the Gas Station Fashion Show should be a band name or an actual event.

    Abarclay: Seems you’ve been gone for a while. What happened? Good to have you back.

    Cowgal: I look forward to reading…

    Steve: That is indeed an awesome story that has perfect relevance. The signage of food establishments has baffled me for years.

  9. I also remember being in a convenience store during my undergrad days and seeing an enormous Bubba come striding through the front door to inquire (of no one in particular), “Where’s the Big Grab section at?” As if that particular size were so important that it would get its own discreet section of shelvage, away from chips in bigger or smaller packages.

    I was so immediately taken with the guy that, some two decades later, I put a Big Grab joke in my shitty first attenmpt at a screenplay, just as an homage.

  10. The only time I ever sported clothes I didn’t actually like were when my mom bought my stuff, so I really had no choice. But after a certain age, you should only wear what you like or know about.

  11. I once stopped a woman whose T-shirt ordered “Ask me about my grandkids” and prodded her for just such a story. She could not think of ONE. I felt like running to a lawyer.

  12. oh man, so now I guess my BFF Romi wants to break up with me because I have a shirt that says “i’m kind of a big deal” dang! but it IS true though, and I won it! It’s a major award!

  13. Steve: How can you not know where the Big Grab section is? As for the grandma shirt; who would wear such a thing and not be prepared for the inevitable confrontation?

    T-rex: Indeed you should.

    Joebecca: It’s a major award… Is it Italian?

  14. I happened to be in the mall the other day (I’m in New Hampshire) and thought of this cartoon as I was walking by American Eagle Outfitters: awful bland yuppie-ized version of the Gap (I know that sounds like a statistical impossibility, but it’s true) and there, in the front of the shop were a row of “Rugby” shirts….curious, I went in and asked the first clerk (a skater dude, strategically unshaven, hair in a faux hawk and a sweater vest) if he knew which Rugby teams the shirts were supporting…a blank stare folowed by “let me get my manager, maybe he can answer that”. I chuckled and said “No worries” and left…
    Having played rugby (in England and here in the states)this kind of crap amuses the heck out of me…great blog!

  15. I have to confess that I’m a douche one morning each week (can douche be applied to females?).

    I was replinishing my work-out shirt supply at a sporting goods store when I encountered a display of shirts that represented different sports. I really liked the wicking properties of the shirts and the attractive color combinations. In general, I try to stay away from shirts with slogans and pictures that don’t represent me. However, I could not pass up these lovely cotton/polyester combos. To compensate for selecting a sports shirt (I do not participate or support any organized sports), I purposely picked the most obscure sport in the hopes that nobody would think I was actually trying to represent it– the sport was rugby.

    So I show up at my gym sporting my new rugby shirt and a man jumps off his stepmaster and approaches me, asking me if I play rugby. Um, no (followed by embarrassed shrug). Apparently he coaches a women’s team and was seeking players. So sorry to disappoint.

    I still wear the shirt once a week- good work-out gear is expensive and I do truly like the color combination. There’s another woman at the gym who as the exact same shirt. Maybe she actually plays it.

    I feel a little fraudulent (and douchy) now.

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