Seriously. What is the point of this day? “Hey, I fooled you!” Oh yeah? Go get trampled by elephants, you stupid bastard.
But life has taken me on a rather awful turn lately, so I decided to try and be a good sport about things. I woke up this morning, ready for the day of foolery, and came up with a plan on how I could help keep this day alive. I decided to call an ex-lover of mine. The following dialogue ensued.
Phone: Ring…. Ring….
Number 3: Hello?
Mike: Hey Number 3, it’s Mike. Remember me?
Number 3: sigh… Yeah, what the fuck do you want? And why are you calling so early?
Mike: I’ve been thinking about you lately and there is something I never told you during our relationship.
Number 3: There is a good chance I am not going to give a shit about what you have to say.
Mike: Indeed, but then again, I would like to let you know everything. That way there won’t be any regrets when you look back on our relationship.
Number 3: The only regret I have ever had was meeting you.
Mike: Oooh, you don’t mean that, silly! But in all seriousness, you should listen.
Number 3: Okay, hurry up so I can go back to sleep.
Mike: I used to use your tooth brush every morning before you woke up.
Number 3: What?
Mike: Yeah, I also used it every time I threw up during a hangover.
Number 3: You used my toothbrush?
Mike: Yeah. I probably used it more than you actually.
Number 3: You are a fucking piece of shit… If I ever see you again, I will fucking kill you! Why would you do that? And after you threw up? Fucking gross!
Mike: Yeah, but wait…
Number 3: No, shut the fuck up. I want you to never fucking call me ever again!
Mike: Wait, let me…
Number 3: I’m not letting you say anything more, you fucking douche-sac. Continue staying out of my life!
Mike: But I never got to say “April Fool’s” damn it. Ah well.
Hangover Toothbrush (4/2008)