“I like your milk mustache very much.”

I am going to let you guys in on a little secret. I hate milk. I hate everything about it. My grandmother used to give me milk when I was in first grade, every single day before school. “It’ll help you grow big,” she used to say. But it didn’t. I am not a very big person. Some may even call me a little guy. I’m like a bald Rick Moranis. Thank you milk, for shaping me into such glorious shape.

So I say fuck this milk substance. I hate that feeling in your mouth after you drink it – milk mouth. I hate that odd white shit that builds up on the side of your mouth after drinking it. I hate when I see people, especially kids, drinking milk. I even hate the way milk smells. And you ever notice that milk only tastes good when it’s really cold, and then, it only actually tastes good during that first sip. The second your mouth disconnects to it, no matter how quickly you return to it, it tastes so much different. What the fuck is that? I haven’t had a glass of milk in over a decade and I plan on keeping it that way.

And how is it that cows eat green grass all the time, and milk comes out so fluidly? These natural milk factories just scare me.

“But dude, do you ever eat cereal?”

I actually haven’t had a bowl of cereal since 2002. I like it but not that much. I’d rather rock an english muffin. Or a bagel.

I drew a picture today to represent a man turning grass into milk. When I was finished drawing, I looked at it and thought, “What the hell is this picture?” This is probably the third worst drawing I have ever done in my life. But I don’t like to hide things from you.


Sorry about this picture… (4/2008)

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

10 thoughts on ““I like your milk mustache very much.””

  1. I don’t hate milk, I just don’t drink it. When I was younger I drank it all the time, but as I grew older I just stopped. All the milk in my parents fridge just expired and they stopped buying it. And yes everything you described about milk is correct, I am not sure why I drank it so much in my youth.

  2. P.S. The large red thing in the background, I can only assume to be a barn, or a grain silo, or a place to store milk looks like the worlds largest dildo. What is this so called ‘milk’ farmer actually milking?

  3. I totally enjoy your writing. Probably because everyone who blogs is a little self-centered and when I read your blog, usually I’m thinking, “yes.. yes.. that’s like me!”

    A toast to you then, you milk-hater. I also hate milk (and it hates me since I’m lactose intolerant) and the only way I can drink it is if I add chocolate or vanilla. Come to think of it, I hate tap water too, and I live in a city that’s known for having good water.

    Margaritas all the way! But it doesn’t do a lot for cereal. All that lime just makes the cheerios a little icky.


  4. Kerplar: Yeah. I admit, that tall shaft does look a little shady.

    Fracas: Margaritas in cereal is pretty good. I think we should rock that.

    Steve S: Yeah, I guess I am more sinewy than Moranis. I wish he worked more nowadays.

    Abarclay: I do like string cheese and ice cream, but yogurt can suck it. It’s icky.

  5. I have to agree with on the milk thing but I eat cereal. Your feelings of hate are much stronger.

    Also – I like that your farmer is not wearing a shirt.

  6. Whatevs about milk, I’m just glad there’s a penis in your picture; thanks for lookin’ out man, I needed that :-)

  7. ha of course. My aunt and uncle are dirty farmers(yes they are) and no milk doesnt come out liquidy…I will let that fester in your mind. On a different less icky, lumpy liquidy note, your drawing is soo cool!!! it’s different than your new stuff, it looks like crayon. I don’t rock milk, it gives me the shitz. Try soy milk, you bitter,bitter old rick moranis man. ;) (Btw I’d compare you to the evil fable guy http://www.xbox365.com/images2/fable/fable_1_500.jpg you have to see him in his wholeness, but you look like him without blue glowy eyes.)

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