This post is meant to serve as warning to all rapists and sharks out there. Actually, more like a repellent to said creatures. Is someone trying enter one of your orifices that shouldn’t be? Don’t do what everyone else thinks you should do… do not go for the balls. Do not punch a rapist or a shark in the balls. That would just piss them off. You’re liable to get punched so hard, you’ll get knocked out. Next thing you know, you woke with someone’s boys and girls oozing out of you, or with one of your legs missing.
So I propose a new strategy. Go for the fucking eyes. Let them get close to you – real close. Then, take a good hold of their head with your fingers, and JAM your fucking thumb so hard into their eye sockets, their poor little balls of optic delight ooze out of the socket.
“But why would I do that? That’s so disgusting.”
Because if you blind them, they won’t be able to see you. They will flail their arms in crazy directions but you can just get up and run/swim away. Turning them into Ray Charles is much better than the alternatives. Plus, think about how badass you’ d be to your friends and neighbors. Use your thumbs.
The Eyes of a Rapist (5/2008)