Dear Weezer,

There was a time in my life when I was proud to say I was a fan of yours. Even with our rocky start, which I’ll explain in a few moments, your music flowed around the walls of my bedroom more often than not.

And it’s kind of odd too. When your first album (now dubbed The Blue Album) came out, I was going through this odd phase of music. Punk in Drublic came out that same year too, and since it was so different than most of the shit any 13 year-old kid had access to, I didn’t give a shit about that Happy Days song.

Then some kid on my bus told me I had to go home and listen to it. “Okay dude,” I said with an open mind. So I listened to it. Surprisingly, it rocked my balls. Especially that song about the garage. I even sent you guys a SASE, like the liner notes suggested, and received your photocopied lyric sheet 6-8 weeks later. I was that inspired.

Pinkerton was released a few years later, when I was in high school. The day it came out, I didn’t have wheels yet of my own, so I called this pink-haired chick I knew. She had a car. She came over and I was like, “Can you run me up to the store?” She replied, “What for?” When I told her I wanted to get the new Weezer album, she was a little less than enthused. She obliged anyway.

They only had it on cassette in this store I went to. “Whatever,” I thought. She didn’t want to listen to it on the way back to my house though. Instead, she played some Soul Coughing. Regardless, I gave it a good listen to when I got home and loved the less poppy/more lyrically inspired approach the group took. The press wasn’t so optimistic though, and Rolling Stone named it one of the worst albums of the year. Add that to the fact that no one actually bought the album, and you got yourself more than enough reasons for Weezer to call it quits. I was sad for the first year or two, until I forgot about it.

In 2001, there were rumblings about that the Weez would be back in full force (minus one of the pivotal members). I was somewhat curious but never gave it much thought until an album release date was posted. A few weeks before the album came out, I heard this awful song on the radio. The song was called “Hash Pipe” and I heard it more often than not. I was quite curious to find out what shitty new-school poppy alternative band sung this song. It sounded like the Local H of 2001.

I went to a midnight release party for the record and picked it up. On the way home, I popped the disc in my CD player and prepared myself for the good. Ultimately, the first 2 songs sounded exactly the same and in short, they were lame. It’s after the second song ended, when it happened.

“What’s this?” I asked. It was fucking “Hash Pipe”. “Unholy Lord,” I thought, “how can this voice-piercing shit be Weezer? Say it ain’t so!” But it was. This song was indeed Weezer – but not good Weezer. This was new Weezer. The rest of the album was just as disappointing and similar. In fact, to this day, I’ve only given that album 4 listens before ultimately retiring it to the bowels of my CD collection. I felt defeated.

Maladroit came out the following year and while it was a large improvement over the wretched Green Album, it still couldn’t hold a piece of deuce to Blue or Pinkerton. I listened to that album about 8 times before retiring it. It was about this time that I called it almost quits with the group.

I wouldn’t end up retiring the band from my mind and memories until 2005. They made an “album” (if that’s what you call it) called Make Believe. I was actually somewhat pumped to hear it, as Rick Rubin’s name was attached. Unfortunately for us, Make Believe was a giant piece of shit. Ever see that 2girls1cup video? That substance in the cup that these ladies were chewing on/painting with, was the new Weezer album. It was that stinky, wretched and awful. It would be the first Weezer album I wouldn’t purchase. They were dead to me.

Now, in 2008, it appears they have a new album coming out next month. I’ve heard about 3 or 4 tracks off it and all I can say is that if you thought Make Believe was awful, these tracks prove that Weezer have sunk to a new low. The Weezer we 90s kids grew up loving have long since been murdered.

What happened to you guys? You guys were so good. Did the Pinkerton fiasco really hurt you guys this much? How is it possible for a band to suck this much? You’re like the new Limp Bizkit but without the metal. So I have a proposition for you…

Your new album is called The Red Album, right (I guess your talents can easily be compared to your lack of album naming skills)? How about this. If I get everyone I know to buy a copy of it, will you then take that money and stop making albums? I am asking you to break up, forever. Would you be interested in that? If you keep going the way you are, everything you’ve accomplished in your early years will have been for nothing, like M. Night Shyamalan.

That is all I ask of you. Me, one of your ex-biggest fans, asking a simple request from one of his ex-favorite bands, like a dying cancer kid getting one last wish. Will you please just do this one thing for me? The songs on the radio suck enough without your awful imput.

Stop it… no, you stop it! (5/2008)

Take care of yourselves.


Mike Bronson

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

11 thoughts on “Dear Weezer,”

  1. It was bound to happen that a band that embraced parody as their music platform would eventually become a parody of themselves. That, and as it happens to the best of bands we’re simply sick of them.

  2. What’s up Bronson? It’s Sexual T in the house. I have to agree with you. I was never a big fan of theirs, but they definitely suck the donkey cock even worse nowadays.

    I’m back in the business of blogging, so stop by some time why don’t ya.

  3. Evyl: We need to get the petition going…

    Kerplar: Listen to Pinkerton.

    Kumarty: If your theory is correct, why have they done that for 4 albums now? The joke is dead.

    Hiero: I hear you’re blogging again. So where the fuck are you going it at?

  4. Weezer was important to me in the Junior High days (and for a bit of high school), but something cracked, and after your take on the preview of their latest album, I too wonder what they’re still doing kicking around…like is it their lame attempt to grab a new generation of devoted cattle the way that Green Day did a couple years back? Hmm…

  5. Hash Pipe…lol I have good memories of that song though. A local band I know has covered it for years so Hash Pipe reminds me of being in a local bar drunk off Jager Bombs when we first “discovered” them and stopped drinking those Apple Pucker F*ckers…fun fun fun.

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