Indiana Jones and the Raping of My Eye Sockets

You didn’t think this was for a coherent plot, did you? (5/2008)

Before you little bitches cry, note that there are oncoming spoilers. Don’t read any further if you expect to be “surprised” by the shit storm film that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There was enough rodent action in this movie for it to be labeled Caddyshack 3

There was a midnight screening last night of the new Indy flick. As you know, my love for midnight movies is huge, as it is for a few mates of mine. We were 5 last night. We hit up a local bar, where they had Coors Light cans for a dollar each, and drank a few. Needless to say, we were pumped. The trailer of the film promised some cheesy pulp action. Plus, it couldn’t be worse than Temple of Doom, right?

Wrong. This movie is a computer-animated nightmare, with failed comedic timing, bad characters (Cate Blanchett), uninspired action set pieces, elements that have introductions but no conclusions (I seem to recall something about psychic abilities) and did I mention really fucking awful CG? This is the kind of movie that early reviewers seem to praise, only for the fact that, well, “It’s an Indy film.”

That’s like saying that Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a really good Star Wars film. In fact, these two film sort of compare rather easily. There is some hideous romance angle, a lack of climax (an interesting one anyway), and a slew of messy action scenes. George Lucas loves to fuck you.

There was word around the internet campfire that amazing writer Frank Darabont (Shawshank Redemption, The Mist) wrote a draft of the screenplay, but was ultimately turned down by none other than Lucas himself (though Spielberg liked it). When said interweb phantoms got their hands on the script, it was noted that it dealt a lot of with “aliens” and “area 51.”

That’s pretty fucking interesting. Regardless, David Koepp (Spider-Man – fuck) took over the writing. And, it’s exactly what you’d expect from that dude. Did I mention he also scripted that awful Cruise-filled War of the Worlds a few years ago? But I digress.

So I watched this movie and what did I see? “Aliens” and “area 51” (as well as swinging monkeys and giant ants) – the same shit these certain internet fags mentioned was in the earlier script but was hated on. “Indiana Jones and aliens? That’s lame!” some would say. But those same internet bastards, who wrote of the potential badness of the earlier screenplay, loved every miserable ounce – aliens and all. How could that first script been any worse than this?

I want another Indiana Jones movie. Not because I want the raping of a cherished franchise to continue, but because I want to see Indy again. He wasn’t here, in this movie. It was someone else. Like how the John McClane we all know and love was absent from Live Free or Die Hard. That movie felt so out of place, much like this one. This was not the Indy I loved.

Who knew that the only fucking person on the planet who could actually re-ignite an old franchise properly is Sylvester Stallone? He did it two times – Rocky and Rambo. Sylvester “my career has been in the shitter since Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot – Stallone should have made the last Die Hard, the new Indy, and any other franchise that wishes to start up again.

Iron Man is still the summer movie to beat. I never thought that I, hater of most superhero movies, would pick one as the best movie of the summer. What is wrong with the world?

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

6 thoughts on “Indiana Jones and the Raping of My Eye Sockets”

  1. I’ll probably see this movie, but I’m not exactly pumped for it. But I have to disagree with you on the Live Free or Die Hard comment. That movie was tits. I just miss the cussing.

  2. I will still watch it but now I am not hoping for much.

    I do agree with you on Stallone. I never thought that he would be able to revive the the Rocky and Rambo series after some really shitty movies but he did it in spades.

  3. Ill watch this movie. But I have no clue whether Ill watch it in theatre or not. I probably will end up going, but I’m not a die hard Indy fan so I will most likely enjoy it I think.

  4. Hierophant: I can’t say the last Die Hard was good. It wasn’t. Sure it had pretty explosions but it was lacking a key ingredient: John McClane. Smokes, alcohol and misery. Oh, and jokes. There was no funniness in the new one.

    Pure: Stallone should take on Dirty Harry.

    Kerplar: You may hate it more if you’re not a die hard. I brought somebody who never saw an Indy film and they hated it like no one’s business.

  5. I didn’t read on to the spoilers (not that any of it would’ve surprised me), but I’ll be seeing it…I don’t know, I heard some reviews about how laughable and atrocious it is, but I’m motivated purely by nostalgia….like almost anything could happen and as long as Indy cracks the whip, I’d be pretty happy (I know, high standards…lol)….anyhoo I can’t wait to read your review of the upcoming M. Night film, the trailer looked very intriguing…

  6. The M. Night movie looks nothing shy of awful. When Marky Mark says something about the bees disappearing, I can’t help but laugh. Is he supposed to be acting that badly? M. Night probably has a twist in store too. I was thinking about writing a blog with the top 5 possible twists, just prior to the films release.

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