“Get your ass to Mars…”

I saw Total Recall last night at the Universal Cineplex and I have to say… I think a chapter of my life is now complete. Actually, let me think about that for a second. The print wasn’t in the best of shapes. It was missing an entire scene. The scene with Quaid talks to Melina for the first time, in her room at the bar. She slaps him for some reason, then it cuts to Benny (the cab driver) who is rubbing a chick with three boobs and says, “Baby, you make me wish that I had three hands.” To which the three-breasted hooker replies, “You’re doing just fine with two.” That entire sequence was vanished from existence. My guess is that the print was too old and that particular section was badly damaged. So instead of a few weird chops in story, some smart projectionist took at the whole sequence as if it never happened at all.

That was really my only beef. I have a long history with this film. I was in 4th grade when this movie came out on video. One lonesome Friday night of that year, I stayed at my dad’s house. He was going out that night so he said he would rent me a movie to keep me company. Because really, VHS tapes do make the best babysitters. Regardless, my sadness of his absence was completely erased when he handed me a copy of Total Recall on video. When I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face, with blue tint, I lit up like Richard Pryor’s crack pipe. I knew nothing of what was to come with the film. I wasn’t as film savvy back then as I am now. All I knew is that Arnold would be killing people, as he always did back then, and it would be glorious.

I put it in the VCR (that was the DVD player of the 80s for all you young kids) and sat down on the floor, indian style, staring up at the television anxiously awaiting the oncoming slaughter. “Shit, it looks like there is a preview. Fuck that, I want to see Arnold!” This VCR didn’t have a remote and I was way too lazy to get up to fast-forward. I’d rather have something to complain about.

The trailer began. It started with some cheesy music playing over what appeared to be a large robotic head. “What is this?” I thought. I kept staring… something about all this looked greatly familiar to my 9 year-old brain. It kept going. It was clear to me that the trailer was showing us a robot being constructed and this robot was familiar to me. This was going to be a teaser for another Terminator film.

The robot was then put into this giant case and some words read, “Cyborg Tissue Generation.” The machine opened back up and sure enough, Schwarzenegger came out, complete with one red eye. “T2” then slammed across the machine and it was literally the first time I ever came. “Fuck Total Recall, I want T2!” For a brief second, I was upset at my dad for bringing me this crap instead of a new Terminator film. Before I had time to process that thought, more words sprung across the screen that would horrify me. “Summer 1991.”

“Wait, what? When is that?” I ran as fast as I could to calender. It was still 1990. I had months to wait for this movie. “Why would God do that to me?” I wondered. “Why would he tease me so?” You can see what I am talking about by clicking here.

I went back to the room with the VCR, looking at the TV in defeat. “You son of a bitch,” I said to it. After a few moments of mourning, I decided to hit the play button again, and check out this Total Recall shit.

To my surprise, the movie blew my 9 year-old mind away. This movie had enough blood and guts in it to keep my fragile little mind at ease. Plus, it had a chick with three boobs! What 9 year-old kid wouldn’t have a good time here? Total Recall is the best fucking babysitter in the entire world.

“Baby, you make me wish I had three hands.” (6/2008)

In other news, some of my doodles have been appearing in other places. For instance, I drew Joebecca a new header (see it here) and some Vaginale for Hole (see it here). And be a Pictures of Doom Facebook fan by clicking here. Hopefully that works.

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

7 thoughts on ““Get your ass to Mars…””

  1. They cut out the best part!!!!!! It was probably damaged because that same projectionist watched that part 9000 times and wore it out. What a sicko.

    How do I get a sweet ass picture?!

  2. I wish my parents would have left me alone to watch this movie. Instead, they watched it with me and I was embarrassed as hell when the 3 tit beauty made her appearance.

  3. Goss: It was an eye-popping experience. I had to pick mine off the sticky floor.

    Joebecca: Anytime kid. I’m glad you liked it.

    Steve: Yeah, no Benny rubbing tits but I did get to see the BEST human shield sequence ever – during the escalator shoot-out. Unbelievably awesome.

    And I’ll rock a picture out for you.

    Evyl: Yeah, too bad my picture isn’t as sweet.

    Hiero: That would have been awkward. I think my dad knew how weird it would be, but how I had to see it. So he went out that night while I stayed home to drown in its awesomeness.

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