Take my life, please?

I often think of life at an old age. My Grandfather is currently rotting in a nursing home, immobile, unable to feed himself or speak, suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia. His body is there but his mind left long ago. When I see him now, just a shell of the person he used to be, I can’t help but think about how he himself (if he was of sound mind) must think of the new him. No one ever says, “Can’t wait until I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.” I often joke with friends that I want to die at age 60. I don’t want to end up as my Grandpa is now. What is the point of that? No one wants to live like that, no matter how much we fool ourselves.

I miss the days of Jack Kevorkian. Say what you say about the man but I never really felt that he was doing anything wrong. If someone has some fatal illness and they choose to die on their own terms, who are we to say that’s wrong? We do it to dogs and cats all the time – whenever something goes wrong with them, we put them to sleep. Why can’t I put myself to sleep, should the time come?

I miss my old Grandpa. I had a dream last night that he called me on the phone.

“Grandpa, you can talk again?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, but only for a second, so you have to listen up.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“I need you to do me a favor. You have to come, put me out. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

“What do you mean Grandpa?”

“You know what I’m talking about. So hurry up, I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t worry, I won’t fight it.”

Then I woke up. It’s weird to have a dream like this, as I’ve often had these sorts of thoughts in my head during my normal, non-sleeping, state. And there it was, in my dream. Part of me can’t help but think this is indeed what my Grandpa wants. Somewhere in his body resides his normal self, screaming to be released. And he is trapped.

Take me away from this… (6/2008)

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

9 thoughts on “Take my life, please?”

  1. The old ones are more likely to self-terminate than the young ones.

    Starting a family isn’t just to pass the time…it also functions as a built-in care-giving plan. When you get to that age and can’t remember or shouldn’t be allowed to operate heavy machinery or a stove, that’s when kids & grandkids come into play.

    Assuming, of course, you didn’t piss everyone off or end up being watched by strangers.

  2. My mom works as a care aid in a nursing home. She has repeatedly let us (as in her family) know that if she ever becomes unstable to just put her down.

  3. My Grandpa ended up in a nursing home after a brief illness. He never came home. It was horrible watching him fade away…especially because he had all his faculties and knew exactly what was happening.

    My entire family was at his side when he died. I was holding his hand, praying that it would be quick…but it wasn’t. It was agonizing to watch and it was then that I decided that if this EVER happened to me I would want someone to just put me out!

    After he died I had a dream that he showed up in his kitchen. I asked what he was doing there; his reply, “Heaven is so boring, all we do is sing”.

  4. You know, each person with dementia experiences it in a different way. It is so hard to know what to do. For my mother, she could no longer walk, talk, feed herself, or use the bathroom. She hated having to rely on other people. This is a person who used to manage a hospital emergency ward. She helped people die all the time. Heck, she would have done herself in long ago had she known where she would end up – but as the end neared, we just wanted that time together – and when it came time to where she would have made that decision, she was no longer able to do so. Near the end, I thought about ending her life for her; her lying in bed in a near comatose state was pointless. I couldn’t do it. I held her hand. She squeezed it. Later, she didn’t have the energy to do even that; her body was turned inward, just trying to keep basic organs functioning, but I am convinced she knew I was there. No, it was not her choice to live out her final days that way, but in doing so, she taught me so much of what it means to care for one another, what it means to be human, and what it means to accept life on its own terms. It seems we are, tragically, more humane to death-row criminals. But there is something to be learned from end-of-life care; who are we, after all, if we do not care for one another? You have to seriously consider whether it is your place to take the life of an innocent, however you may justify it. My advice: Care for your grandfather. Show him love. He can still feel, although he may not be able to show it or to express love in return. When he is ready, he will leave this earthly plane and death will be a welcome freedom. Hang in there – for him and for yourself.

  5. I always tell people that I don’t plan on living to 60 and I get funny looks. But really, what is there to do after 60? Nothing except get all sick and shit. No thanks.

    And my header specs are 904 x 160 I think…

  6. My grandpa did the same thing. He was in a care home for YEARS just laying around with my grandma sitting there all the time by his side. What a shitty way to end your life.

  7. dude that so doesnt look like grandpa – and now i feel like a piece of poo because i havent seen him in so long

  8. that’s sad. i know what you mean. i always said i wanted to go at 70, so i got 10 years on you but still, i don’t want to be a rotting pool of jello. i also agree with you about Jack. i don’t think there was anything wrong in what he did either, and i know alot of people who know him personally (i live in MI right by where he lived)and they all stuck up for him and what he did for others. i would like to choose how i die, not have it chosen for me. i think those people were lucky to get to choose. i only hope we can be so lucky.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s