Lifenomics Chapter 1: The Three Ps

I’ve been trying to incorporate a new learning style in the education system but I have been having some challenges with various school boards across the country, due to how radical the thinking style is. Since I can’t get it approved just yet, I figured the next best thing would be to post it here for the world (or at least 13 dedicated readers) to see. Here is the 1st chapter of my new book, Lifenomics: How to Live Life Without Being a Fucktard (by yours truly, title pending).

There has been a lot of hullabaloo over a group of high school chicks in Massachusetts who made a pact to get themselves pregnant. Now, people all over the place must be scratching their heads thinking, “Where were these sluts when I was kid?” I can’t help but think that this sort of thing might have been prevented. You see, there are sorts of schools all over America who try to teach kids about not having sex instead of what happens when you do have sex. They don’t share about STDs and pregnancies. They simply say, “Don’t have sex before marriage or God will fuck you in the mouth with Hell.” That’s fucking stupid. Let’s face it, America is a boring place to the average teenager. Fucking makes time go by.

Over the course of my life, I have developed a sort of system that, well, I can say… it’s worked pretty amazing for me so far. On top of being one of the only males I know who actually get themselves tested every single year, I also follow a strict set of rules (developed by yours truly) to assist with maximum chance of not getting an STD, and ultimately making the chance for the worst STD ever (children) simply non-existent.

I call it the patented B5’s Three P System. It works so well in fact, that I am currently working with the Bush Administration to get this to be a strict school criteria in every state but he’s too fucking religious to allow proper Sexual Education into his world. Regardless, here are the simple steps to guide yourself to becoming a responsible sexually active teenager (or adult).

Step 1: Prophylactic (6/2008)

  • 1. Prophylactic: No children, this is not the name for some fancy dinosaur you saw in a Jurassic Park movie when you were 12. Instead, it’s a fancy name for a condom. Condoms are rubber skins that go over your penis to help prevent STDs (like Herpes, Aids, and Pregnancy)

Step 2: Pull-Out Before Climax (6/2008)

  • 2. Pull-Out: You may ask yourself why the male would have to pull-out when he already has protection on. Simple. Let’s say you’re making a go of this whole fuck thing. First he’s on top, then she’s on top, then someone is hitting it from the backside, then she spins around on the topside again. Needless to say, latex can only last for so long. So if you’re lasting longer than 10 minutes, you always want to be on the safe side. Pull it out before climaxing. You don’t want to find out later that the condom broke and his boys are swimming through your fallopian tubes or whatever. No 13 year-old girl should have to deal with that.

Step 3: The Pill (6/2008)

  • 3. Pill: You might now be thinking, “Well, we used a condom and he pulled out, so why would I need to be on the pill or any other Birth Control (BC) device?” There is an easy answer for that, retard. The first two steps still, when practiced with perfection, aren’t 100%. Sure, it’s probably 99% effective, but you’re still missing that one percent. So get on the pill, patch, shot – anything BC related.

The moral of this Lifenomics lesson is that it is up to both parties involved to prevent STDs and practice safe sex. Sex is fun. You don’t want to lose that privilege the penetrate each other’s genital areas because you got the crabs or the herpes or, god forbid, a child. Practice B5’s Three P System and you’ll be on your way to a long and safe sexual lifestyle. I’m almost in my 30s and it hasn’t failed me yet.

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

12 thoughts on “Lifenomics Chapter 1: The Three Ps”

  1. Dude, no joke. This girl I was dating about a month or so ago…she’s been pregnant 7 times. If she let that many dudes blow it in her, she has to have had contacted some kind of STD over the years. I’m so glad I kept my wang to myself. Needless to say, she didn’t make it another day with me after I found out about that shit.

  2. hiero, is that the girl that you were waiting for her to phone you back? People don’t have common sense, anyone with an ounce of it knows these vital steps.

  3. Hiero: Yeah, those types of chicks are no good for business. Did she actually have 7 kids or did she get some abortions? Them shits get expensive after a while.

  4. Females who do not find the gestation period or childbirth A. disgusting or B. unpleasant aren’t going to treat the potential consequences of fornication as life-ending or even a damn nuisance; and thus, aren’t as likely or willing to integrate preventive or probability-decreasing measures when engaging in mucous membrane activities.

    Depending on where these young’uns live, birth control may not be as readily accessible as it is in other areas. Even the “hey, you don’t have to have your frickin period for most of the year” bargaining chip would make it any easier.

  5. holy shit that is one giant horse-pill that chick is holding, what a nuisance!…LOL….and in the second pic, despite the breakage, the little swimmer still looks happy, and yet he has nowhere to go…too bad…

  6. Hiero: Damn, that bitch didn’t follow any of the Ps, did she?

    Pugs: When I was 16, I lived in the most podunk place on the planet. Yet, my girlfriend at the time and I had no trouble driving ourselves to the county health department to get ourselves some free birth control items. All counties/cities/towns in this country have similar options. It’s just that no one ever tells you about them.

    Romi: Nowhere to go but the floor. Poor guy.

  7. i agree with Romi, (as always because she is my BFF) that pill is awful big. mine are alot smaller than that.

    i know someone like you, so terrified of STDs and pregnancy that he had his woman on the pill, and still wore not one, but TWO condoms. how they enjoyed it is beyond me, but hey, whatever works.

  8. YES!!! I found the 3 p’s post.I love how you refer to a baby as an STD, though an accurate description of what it would be like to be bestowed with a kid in high school. Unfortunetly this prevention program won’t ever work. If you haven’t noticed the kind of girl who will get pregnant, A. Won’t know until they are taking a shit and a baby comes out,only to notice it when their floater is crying. B.The same person who shat a kid, most likely will have a second kid before their second senior year. The pics look like a for real ad telling kids not to do it, kind of like those marijauna commericals with the deflated kids. Maybe the next four years will bring about, real sex ed classes where the lesson plan doesn’t consist of threats “God kills a kitten everytime you cum.”

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