I’ve been trying to incorporate a new learning style in the education system but I have been having some challenges with various school boards across the country, due to how radical the thinking style is. Since I can’t get it approved just yet, I figured the next best thing would be to post it here for the world (or at least 13 dedicated readers) to see. Here is the 1st chapter of my new book, Lifenomics: How to Live Life Without Being a Fucktard (by yours truly, title pending).
There has been a lot of hullabaloo over a group of high school chicks in Massachusetts who made a pact to get themselves pregnant. Now, people all over the place must be scratching their heads thinking, “Where were these sluts when I was kid?” I can’t help but think that this sort of thing might have been prevented. You see, there are sorts of schools all over America who try to teach kids about not having sex instead of what happens when you do have sex. They don’t share about STDs and pregnancies. They simply say, “Don’t have sex before marriage or God will fuck you in the mouth with Hell.” That’s fucking stupid. Let’s face it, America is a boring place to the average teenager. Fucking makes time go by.
Over the course of my life, I have developed a sort of system that, well, I can say… it’s worked pretty amazing for me so far. On top of being one of the only males I know who actually get themselves tested every single year, I also follow a strict set of rules (developed by yours truly) to assist with maximum chance of not getting an STD, and ultimately making the chance for the worst STD ever (children) simply non-existent.
I call it the patented B5’s Three P System. It works so well in fact, that I am currently working with the Bush Administration to get this to be a strict school criteria in every state but he’s too fucking religious to allow proper Sexual Education into his world. Regardless, here are the simple steps to guide yourself to becoming a responsible sexually active teenager (or adult).
Step 1: Prophylactic (6/2008)
- 1. Prophylactic: No children, this is not the name for some fancy dinosaur you saw in a Jurassic Park movie when you were 12. Instead, it’s a fancy name for a condom. Condoms are rubber skins that go over your penis to help prevent STDs (like Herpes, Aids, and Pregnancy)
Step 2: Pull-Out Before Climax (6/2008)
- 2. Pull-Out: You may ask yourself why the male would have to pull-out when he already has protection on. Simple. Let’s say you’re making a go of this whole fuck thing. First he’s on top, then she’s on top, then someone is hitting it from the backside, then she spins around on the topside again. Needless to say, latex can only last for so long. So if you’re lasting longer than 10 minutes, you always want to be on the safe side. Pull it out before climaxing. You don’t want to find out later that the condom broke and his boys are swimming through your fallopian tubes or whatever. No 13 year-old girl should have to deal with that.
Step 3: The Pill (6/2008)
- 3. Pill: You might now be thinking, “Well, we used a condom and he pulled out, so why would I need to be on the pill or any other Birth Control (BC) device?” There is an easy answer for that, retard. The first two steps still, when practiced with perfection, aren’t 100%. Sure, it’s probably 99% effective, but you’re still missing that one percent. So get on the pill, patch, shot – anything BC related.
The moral of this Lifenomics lesson is that it is up to both parties involved to prevent STDs and practice safe sex. Sex is fun. You don’t want to lose that privilege the penetrate each other’s genital areas because you got the crabs or the herpes or, god forbid, a child. Practice B5’s Three P System and you’ll be on your way to a long and safe sexual lifestyle. I’m almost in my 30s and it hasn’t failed me yet.