A few weeks ago, something happened to me that would forever change my life. It was something that rarely a person talks about, but since it happened to me and I love sharing gross shit, it seems that it is all the more common. But before I dive into the subject, gloves in hand, let me set the stage.
It was a weekday night. About 10:30 to be exact. I was up for almost 24-hours (as I hold 2 jobs) and couldn’t wait to fall asleep. Saima was over too – we just got done watching some crappy movie of some sort. There was something that had to be done. I had to drop a deuce before the sleep could happen. So there I went, and all felt natural with the way it came out. Didn’t even think twice about it. Until I stood up and wiped. I looked down into the bowl; there was something terribly wrong.
I expected to see some vaguely clear water with a brown friend inside, only this wasn’t the case. Instead, the water was a blood-red color. Want me to get even grosser? The toilet paper I wiped my bum with was covered with blood. “What the fuck?” I said, without even being able to freak out. I am only 27 years-old… I am too young to shit blood.
I must have looked in that bowl for 15 minutes. What could I do? Should I call Saima in here? No one ever wants their special lady friend to have to see their poop. But this wasn’t poop. Was it? After a few more minutes of contemplation, I finally mustered up the courage to call her over to the bathroom. She comes from the living room.
“What is it, are you okay?” she asks.
“Um, there is a little something wrong I think. But I don’t want to show you.”
“Then why did you call me over here?”
“Good question… I guess I want you to look at my poop. I think there is something wrong.”
I think at this time she thought I was joking because everyone knows how I like to joke and kid about gross shit all the time. After a few seconds, I guess she could see the electric worry coming from my face.
“Okay, let me see.”
Somebody Call an Ambulance (1/2009)
She slowly, and I mean slowly, advanced towards the bowl. My bathroom is the size of a testicle and it still took her 4 minutes to make it to the bowl. Her eyes were open super wide but you could tell she was apprehensive towards the sight of anything.
She finally tilted her head down, towards the murder scene. After a hesitation, she said, “We need to take you to the hospital.” What a trip that was. We went to the emergency room at 11:00pm and were released at 3:30am. During that time, some doctor guy stuck his finger in my asshole and fucking rotated it. It was then when I decided that I have no idea how anyone on this planet can take a cock in their ass. It certainly is something I hope to never be apart of.
It was a pain I shall never forget*.
And now I share this story with my friends at cocktail parties. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was telling this tale round a group of friends. They all laughed and such, then my chum Big J says, “Hey man, that’s happened me to me a few times but it’s always after a heavy night of drinking and smoking. I thought it was normal.” I guess every one shits blood; only they aren’t ready to admit it.