Poop, Bloody Poop.

A few weeks ago, something happened to me that would forever change my life. It was something that rarely a person talks about, but since it happened to me and I love sharing gross shit, it seems that it is all the more common. But before I dive into the subject, gloves in hand, let me set the stage.

It was a weekday night. About 10:30 to be exact. I was up for almost 24-hours (as I hold 2 jobs) and couldn’t wait to fall asleep. Saima was over too – we just got done watching some crappy movie of some sort. There was something that had to be done. I had to drop a deuce before the sleep could happen. So there I went, and all felt natural with the way it came out. Didn’t even think twice about it. Until I stood up and wiped. I looked down into the bowl; there was something terribly wrong.

I expected to see some vaguely clear water with a brown friend inside, only this wasn’t the case. Instead, the water was a blood-red color. Want me to get even grosser? The toilet paper I wiped my bum with was covered with blood. “What the fuck?” I said, without even being able to freak out. I am only 27 years-old… I am too young to shit blood.

I must have looked in that bowl for 15 minutes. What could I do? Should I call Saima in here? No one ever wants their special lady friend to have to see their poop. But this wasn’t poop. Was it? After a few more minutes of contemplation, I finally mustered up the courage to call her over to the bathroom. She comes from the living room.

“What is it, are you okay?” she asks.

“Um, there is a little something wrong I think. But I don’t want to show you.”

“Then why did you call me over here?”

“Good question… I guess I want you to look at my poop. I think there is something wrong.”

I think at this time she thought I was joking because everyone knows how I like to joke and kid about gross shit all the time. After a few seconds, I guess she could see the electric worry coming from my face.

“Okay, let me see.”


Somebody Call an Ambulance (1/2009)

She slowly, and I mean slowly, advanced towards the bowl. My bathroom is the size of a testicle and it still took her 4 minutes to make it to the bowl. Her eyes were open super wide but you could tell she was apprehensive towards the sight of anything.

She finally tilted her head down, towards the murder scene. After a hesitation, she said, “We need to take you to the hospital.” What a trip that was. We went to the emergency room at 11:00pm and were released at 3:30am. During that time, some doctor guy stuck his finger in my asshole and fucking rotated it. It was then when I decided that I have no idea how anyone on this planet can take a cock in their ass. It certainly is something I hope to never be apart of.

It was a pain I shall never forget*.

And now I share this story with my friends at cocktail parties. In fact, a few weeks ago, I was telling this tale round a group of friends. They all laughed and such, then my chum Big J says, “Hey man, that’s happened me to me a few times but it’s always after a heavy night of drinking and smoking. I thought it was normal.” I guess every one shits blood; only they aren’t ready to admit it.

*Author’s Note: My asshole is now good to go and I am once again completely healthy (if you exclude all the drinking).

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

11 thoughts on “Poop, Bloody Poop.”

  1. Electric Worry. Bahahah! If you make up descriptors like that you should not be allowed to shape the minds of our youth.

  2. so who in your bum murdered your poo-log? I’m wondering if an arrest was made, ’cause it’s sad whenever a poo friend has to die a bloody death like that…

  3. Good to see you back blogging. I’m back for about the 600th time as well in the form of the 3 blogs. By the way, it’s Sexual T.

    I’ve had red dook a few times, but nothing bloody or that colored the water red. I hope that makes you feel weird.

  4. 11pm-3pm? Like 15 hours? Or 11pm-3am? Also, awesome. I have yet to convince my girlfriend to take a look at one of the huge deuces Ive taken in person. Only ever managed a picture.

  5. Jason: Indeed. It was a rough day.

    Brian: I made a critical error… I was only there for 4 hours, not 12. My bad!

    Bridget: Shaping young minds is rough. Especially when you have to teach them Romeo and Juliet and The Odyssey. It’s frustrating and it’s starting to bum me out.

    Thatpessimist: Nothing a few suppositories can’t cure.

    Romi: It was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

    Douglas: I was so sad to return and see that Get In was deleted. It’s still in my blogroll. What happened? And what happened to dizzle? What did WordPress find wrong with it? I have questions damn it.

    Kerplar: Having your lady look at your duke is something best saved for divorce.

  6. This is in a weird way, a really sweet story!..in a really weird way though. Everyone has problems with their plumbing sometimes! I get the embarressment and reluctance to call your gf in, you’re very lucky to have a her it sounds like! Something similiar happened to me once with one of my exbf, no blood though, but he was very mature about it. Good to hear your ass is happy now…or wait, what?

  7. I am proud of you!! You took my advice and made pretty pictures of bloody poop and a scared toilet lid!!! Gross is the new …what? The new inspired?

    Oh, baby! I’m glad everything “came out” all right!!!

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