Parents is Dumber – Texting Helps Your Kids Come Faster

Author’s Note: The following stories are all true. I’ve changed the names not only to safe face for the youth of today, but to save my own, as my job could probably be terminated should an authoritative type actually find this.

I’ve recently touched on the subject of parenting, basing all of my opinions on today’s youth and how they act in the classroom. How kids of today couldn’t live without a cellphone vibrating in their pockets for over 46 seconds. It’s the parents of today that perhaps need the education in etiquette.

I was on my lunch break the other day when a group of female students came into my class. One of them had to grab some missing work from some days she was absent, the others were there because they had nothing else to do.

It was about then when a male student of mine, let’s call him Steve, came into the classroom. He chatted with the girls a bit then headed towards my desk. The kid gave me a fist pounce before leaning towards me and asking, “Do you see that girl right there?”He pointed to one of the girls who was my student.

“Susie? Yes, I had her last period.”

He says, “Ah, I fucked her the other day,” then let out a laugh.

This kid is 16 years-old and the girl he pointed to is only 14. I wasn’t stunned at the fact that kids these young ages are fucking – you’d be a dumbass if you think your kid isn’t doing the same. But I was stunned at the fact that he just randomly told his teacher about his exploits, without showing any sort of respect for my title, age, or authoritative power. I gave him a lecture about how I am a lot nicer than other teachers but that doesn’t give him a reason to share his exploits with me. He has not shared any sort of information since then.

Susie often comes to my classroom during lunch with a group of 4-5 other students. Some of these students aren’t even mine – perhaps they see my classroom as a shelter from the storm of idiocy outside wandering about or in the cafeteria throwing food and openly talking about blow-jobs and “titty-fucking” (these are just a few of the examples I’ve heard while walking around).

Yesterday in class, Steve came up to me and told me he thinks he got someone pregnant. He told me with a smile on his face, as if it was the funniest thing in the world. I thought for a second about what I could tell him. Should I tell him that getting somebody preggers is the worst STD around when you’re that age? Should I tell him about The Three Ps?

I tried as best as I could to explain the severity of this notion. It wasn’t funny, cool, or cheap, and there definitely wasn’t a quick escape out of this one. This would last for at least 19 solid years.

Then I found out he was talking about 14 year-old Susie.

You know that movie Juno that came out a few years ago? About that pregnant white, 16 year-old suburbanite girl? I wasn’t so much a fan of that movie. When I saw it, I was pretty positive that the girl in that movie was too smart for her own good. 16 year-old white girls from suburbia aren’t that smart – they don’t know shit about Herschell Gordon Lewis (a really obscure filmmaker from the 60s – one of the best) or who the fucking Stooges are. They don’t. Want to bet me?

The first day of school this year, I ask my students a series of questions, as part of a “introduction” exercise. One of the questions was, “Who is Herschell Gordon Lewis?” Most thought it was my real name. The rest left it blank. Where do I live and teach? In the middle of suburban fucking America. And that shit won Best Original Screenplay… but I digress.

susie

I Be Pregnant – Lol! (4/2009)

So 14 year-old Susie is pregnant. I couldn’t wait for lunchtime to roll around so her and her band of merry girls and boys would come to my class to eat their triangle tater-tots amongst the company of intelligence. I didn’t say anything about what I had heard.

She had no problem telling, out of nowhere, about the rumor going around about how she is pregnant. “It’s not true,” she said, after explaining how he wore a condom. I did nothing but shake my head.

However, I was a bit curious how this incident happened in the first place. So I asked how she got herself in such a situation. She began, “Well, he texted me out of the blue one day…”

I was too into that sentence to pay attention to the rest of her story. It all started with a simple text – and I hear stories like this all day. Anytime something happens that shouldn’t have, the story begins, “I got this text…” Variations include but are not limited to, “I got this text saying he fucked my mom…”; “I got this text saying to meet in the bathroom in 5 minutes…”; “I got this text saying she/he was ready…”

But I digress.

There are a million other teachers who would do the obvious “report to guidance or administration” to share these tales of childhood woe. And I have done that on many occasions only to find my efforts fail when their parents could care less. Perhaps I am just now desensitized to it all.

Now I think of these stories as mere entertainment. Is that wrong? These stories are better than Crank 2. The dramatics of high school seem to be at an all time high. If I had any sort of motivation, I’d be inspired to make a documentary.

Kids have always had sex – that’s just what they do. They did it in my generation, your generation, your parents generation; and they will continue to do so until out days end. When I lost my virginity during those lonely days of age 16, I didn’t run to school the next day to report it to my teacher. Nor did I send out a mass text to all my friends that read, “I fuk’d dat gurl finally, bro. It wuz sweet yo! Lol.”

Perhaps this generation gap is one which can’t be filled.

Read more “Parents is Dumber” by clicking these colored words.

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

6 thoughts on “Parents is Dumber – Texting Helps Your Kids Come Faster”

  1. I am scared for this country. I really am. This pretty much sums it all up, doesn’t it?

    I think I would get to the same place you are at: just watching it all in awe and not reacting as a (old-fashioned) teacher might but as a documentor of this phenomenon. You can only be subjected to this kind of abject stupidity for so long before you give up trying to “fix” things.

    I LOL at the illustration!!! Shweet!

  2. If you’re too lazy to write a documentary…at the very least you could write for some shitty ABC Family show.

    Think about it.

  3. Kids are crude. Girls and boys alike, everyone is just nasty…I’m not a prude but I’m 18 in highschool and still a virgin yayay!!!! I would never get involved with the kind of idiots that text people of their sexual exploits….it’s so crooked and gives you a sick feeling in your stomach. No one is romantic or even daring to encroach on romantic’s terf. Though at 14, all you can really do is share your ring pops with a girl and up flys her skirt! I was mad at the time, but I should thank my parents for not giving me a phone until I was 16, then testing at 17! If you try hard enough in my generation you can find the few non gross people….it’s near impossible though.

  4. I fear the future as well. I keep thinking, that perhaps I was born in the wrong era, and I would have been better off a few hundred years ago. I know when I was a teenager we did stupid stuff. But there was nothing to this level of insanity happening. Its just insane.

  5. people always talk about Armageddon involving meteors falling from the sky, or lots of hail, or locusts, or climate crisis like in Dennis Quaid’s cinematic jewel entitled “The Day After Tomorrow”, but seriously guys…doesn’t the definition of Armageddon begin and end in this post?….sigh…

    PS: HAHAHA….all throughout Juno I was like “real kids aren’t like that! Real kids aren’t like that!”…I mean I understand the concept of fiction in a film, but there’s usually a sense of relatability especially when you’re trying to create a little “slice of life” kinda movie….and you know there’s a problem when the prospective adoptive father being a perv is more relatable than the teenage characters…haha

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