Cockroach of Doom

I was on the old patio with Saima the other night.

“Oh my God, look at that giant cockroach,” she says.

“Shit…” I contemplate. “That is a big fucker.”

I grab a broom and scoop him/her out into the open. I had on some slippers and I didn’t want to fuck them up. This fucker was huge.

“How should I kill this thing?” I wondered.

I saw some spare cardboard lying around. This would cover the roach, then I could step on it without having to worry about ruining my slips. So I grab a piece and cover the roach up.

After a few seconds of contemplation, I finally stepped on it. You should have heard this sound. It was absolutely fucking crazy. You probably could have heard it in Colorado.

“Man, that was gross,” the lady said.

I picked up the cardboard slowly for some reason, as if this thing could have regenerated or something. Alas, it couldn’t. This fucker was dead. But do you know what I saw when I picked up this cardboard? Imagine yourself stepping on a Boston cream donut – chocolate frosting with sweet yellow pudding in the center. Now imagine what one of those would look liked smashed.

Go ahead, take your time.

That’s what it looked like. Yellow fucking cream pudding shot out all around it.

“Oh my God, what the fuck was that?” I ask.

The lady wanted no part of it but I finally talked her into giving it a glance after a few minutes. I then got on my knees to give it a closer look.

The pudding stuff actually looked like a bunch of eggs or something. It appears that I killed a giant pregnant cockroach – genocidal abortion at its finest! But I didn’t want these magic eggs to hatch… so what could a brother do?


The Dying Fetus (May, 2009)

The only thing he knows how – pouring lighter fluid on it and setting it ablaze. Poor thing never knew what was coming.

Author: bronsonfive

Film, movies, whatever.

10 thoughts on “Cockroach of Doom”

  1. Ahaha. I hate cockroaches, depending on the cockroach. I used to have this one in my garage. He scared me at first, but honestly after I realized he sat in the same spot most nights, we had many a thought provoking conversation! I would sit next to the fridge and dispell my hopes and dreams to that little guy! His name was Dean, since we had bug sprayers come he is gone, and I lost a friend. =/

  2. Ive never actually seen a cockroach in person, but I probably would have done the same thing. Plus lighting things on fire is always a lot of fun.

  3. Undeniably disgusting. Thanks for making me puke in my mouth. Dammit. Guess I’ll be switching to the jelly-filled donuts – that is, unless you have a bloody-squashing-insect story to ruin those for me, TOO!

  4. I could eat a Boston cream donut easily, looking at one of those. It’s the smell that grosses me out. They smell bad enough when alive, but when freshly dead, especially squished…

    I live in my late grandparents’ house in Pensacola, Florida. My grandma kept this place meticulously clean. That helped, but it couldn’t keep those things away, entirely. There were massive roaches in Mobile, Alabama too, but not nearly as many. Because our Mobile lawn only had one live oak. This lawn was covered with live oaks. So every other weekend, when we came here to visit, there was always a chance I’d see one of those roaches–and I was terrified of the things.

    They’re often called “palmetto bugs” here, but it’s the live oaks that attract them so much. When I moved here, in 1998, there were ten live oaks. Unfortunately, I had to have four removed after Hurricane Ivan hit. But I love them–they’re beautiful beyond description, and God knows how old!

    As for the roaches–they’re all giants. I used to go out of my way to avoid them–now I go out of my way to kill them. I’ve even caught and crushed some with my bare hands, if there was no other way. Of course, I’d wash them afterward, but that fucking smell would still linger.

    I realize of course, that if they were our size, and we were theirs, they’d consider us hideous, as well (provided they could consider anything). And that could happen, after a nuclear war. Thank God we wouldn’t be here!

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