Hey girl, how have you been? It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you last. Did you ever get those other letters I sent you?
Regardless, I’d say you’ve been doing pretty good. It’s been a good while since you flashed your disgustingly flappy, I mean beautiful, vagina to anyone standing in your direction. It also seems you finally invested in some child seats for your car too. Maybe they are too old for child seats nowadays?
But the purpose of this letter isn’t really to bore you with details of my own life or to even question my knowledge of how you’ve been. No, not this one. Now I simply want to ask you a few questions – questions people have asked me about you – in order to clean the air about what people are quesstimating about you. I’d rather they know the truth Britany. You’re worth it. Your music is just that good. Remember when Dirk Diggler recorded the immortal “You Got the Touch” in Boogie Nights? He doesn’t have shit on you. Well, maybe… you see, Dirk never got the money to pay for his tapes. So he could never release them to the public. But trust him; his shit was that good. You guys would’ve been nominated for the same Grammy.
“‘Where did we go wrong?’ (Parents for Britney)” (April, 2010)
Enough of that. On to my questions!
- Did you see Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire? Truly a great film but I couldn’t help wondering how much of that film was based on your life. Or am I confusing you with Jessica Simpson? I can’t remember which celebrity had the dad who wanted to have sex with them.
- You and Justin Timberlake haven’t been together in a while but since your tragic end, you are upset that he turned out to be funnier than you? His “Dick in a Box” appearance was classically funny! Oh, did you not love him in Black Snake Moan or were you upset that he was all up on Christina Ricci’s sweet treats? I met her once in Vegas… she wasn’t a very nice person. You’re a lot funnier!
- One of my friends asked what your fuck-digit was. I told them it has to be just 2… you’ve publicly admitted to losing your precious virginity to Justin Timberlake back in the day (even after you told millions of your fans to stay true until marriage). And obviously you banged K-Fed (since his seed made it all the way to your delicious eggs on numerous occasions). Could it be more? That’s just a ridiculous thought to me. Who would sleep with you? Wait. I mean, ha. Well, you know.
I think that’s about it. To be honest, I actually forgot what the rest of this letter said or even what the point of it all was. I drafted it over a year ago. Perhaps that is the point of it all… it’s been some time since I’ve actually seen you anywhere. I guess that leads to one last ultimate question.
Where the fuck you been?
Hugs and Kisses,
P.S. Here are the other letters I wrote to you have failed to respond to. Are we not friends anymore?