“I like your milk mustache very much.”

I am going to let you guys in on a little secret. I hate milk. I hate everything about it. My grandmother used to give me milk when I was in first grade, every single day before school. “It’ll help you grow big,” she used to say. But it didn’t. I am not a very big person. Some may even call me a little guy. I’m like a bald Rick Moranis. Thank you milk, for shaping me into such glorious shape.

So I say fuck this milk substance. I hate that feeling in your mouth after you drink it – milk mouth. I hate that odd white shit that builds up on the side of your mouth after drinking it. I hate when I see people, especially kids, drinking milk. I even hate the way milk smells. And you ever notice that milk only tastes good when it’s really cold, and then, it only actually tastes good during that first sip. The second your mouth disconnects to it, no matter how quickly you return to it, it tastes so much different. What the fuck is that? I haven’t had a glass of milk in over a decade and I plan on keeping it that way.

And how is it that cows eat green grass all the time, and milk comes out so fluidly? These natural milk factories just scare me.

“But dude, do you ever eat cereal?”

I actually haven’t had a bowl of cereal since 2002. I like it but not that much. I’d rather rock an english muffin. Or a bagel.

I drew a picture today to represent a man turning grass into milk. When I was finished drawing, I looked at it and thought, “What the hell is this picture?” This is probably the third worst drawing I have ever done in my life. But I don’t like to hide things from you.


Sorry about this picture… (4/2008)