Review: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

I am going to start off this entry with a bold statement that will sure to attract the attention of cinema snobs all over – horror films simply don’t exist anymore. You can argue the finer points of some lesser-known foreign masterpiece all you want. But deep down in your heart, you know you weren’t actually scared when you watched [Rec] or Martyrs. Not like you were when you saw Jaws for the first time. No matter how much we love to watch teenagers (or anyone really) get destroyed on screen, there hasn’t been a film in a while that really connects us with the characters to have us even care in the first place. Continue reading “Review: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”

Orlando is Dead

I moved to Orlando in the summer of 1999. It was a huge step for me. I was escaping my hometown for good, abandoning everything I ever knew, and moving to a new city with actual city life (like buildings and such). The first 5 years I was here, I loved it. I mean, I didn’t get very much accomplished in those first few years but now, in year 9, I feel as if everything I could’ve accomplished has come to pass.

There is something going on here though. The city feels like it’s dying. It all began a few months ago when my favorite cinema house closed down – The Carmike University 8. It was one of those super ghetto theaters that wasn’t even hip enough to have stadium seating, when every other theater in Orlando does. They didn’t give a fuck. The Carmike held its middle finger high. They even had this thing, called “late matinĂ©es”, where tickets for showings between 5pm-6pm were only $3.75.

But then some media conglomerate who owns a large portion of this town purchased it and plans on turning it into classrooms for their fancy private institution. I saw fucking Daddy Day Care and Gigli there… you can’t fuck around with that kind of history. And if those two titles weren’t garbage enough, the last movie I saw there was Dragon Wars. That movie is the cinematic equivalent to having crabs. I’m not going to explain that though.

I did see a lot of good shit there though. I saw Superbad and Shoot Em Up there. Shit, the first movie I saw there was back in 2000. It was Sam Raimi’s The Gift. Not only was it Raimi’s last good movie (Spider-Man 1-3 aren’t good movies people), but it’s the one in which Katie Holmes let’s the girls out to play. I used to think that was cool back in the early part of this century but not so much now that the aliens have taken over her soul. And why doesn’t that bitch talk out of both sides of her mouth, did she have a stroke or something? But I digress.

Now the theater is no more. 7 years of memories gone, like that. And that isn’t the only thing that died here… we recently lost our only non-Clear Channel rock station. 105.9 is now some awful classic station that only plays the classics of mediocrity.

Perhaps this is the end of Orlando. Sure, we still have our Disney shit and Universal Studios, but I’ve actually never gone to those places since I’ve moved here. I hate theme parks. “Hey guys, let’s go pay $50 a person so we can go stand in line in the hot sun all day and wait in line for 4 minutes of glory.” Sweet dude. Let me get my check book.

Recently, a lot of my friends have moved on from here, and others threaten to do so soon. Perhaps it is time to go. I’m about up for parole in a couple of months. Maybe I’ll get out for good behavior. Keep your fingers crossed.


Two Ways to Spell ‘Theater’ – (1/2008)