Stuff Your Kids Say: The Dinosaur Kid

The lady (her name is Kimberly) works at a private school for little (rich) kids. Often times, she comes home from work and shares with me these stories of hilarity. Mostly involving the weird and silly things kids say. Kids of the younger persuasion are the best types to hold a conversation. They really do say the craziest things. The other day, she told me of such a conversation. Continue reading “Stuff Your Kids Say: The Dinosaur Kid”

Stuff Your Kids Say: You Fart from Where?

My friend Bridget was in Target the other day when she overheard a conversation between a mother and her daughter.

Little girl at Target:
I farted in my butt!

Mom:
Little girls don’t talk like that.

Girl:
Just kidding I did it with my mouth!

Alright, let me get this straight. It’s not okay for girls to talk about farting in their butts but it is okay for them to talk about farting from their mouths? Check. But how does one exactly fart in their butt? I understand how one farts out of their butt… but inside it? Perhaps that mother should talk to her daughter about the art of fart; then explore the manners of feminism at a later date.

But I’m still confused as to how one farts in their butt. So I drew this chart. I really think you need another person to fart in your butt. It’s virtually impossible to do it on your own.

Fart Chart (8/2010)

Stuff Your Kids Say: What About the Sandcastles?

My eyes have recently been opened to a phenomenon I’ve never given a single thought to: children and the interesting conversations they have. I often forget how ignorant children are of the world and all of its awful splendor. Having a conversation with a child is pulling the cord of a See ‘n Say. You pull the chord hoping for, “The cow says, ‘Moooooo,'” but instead get something completely random. But when you speak with children, it’s a lot more interesting than an animal sound (sometimes anyway).

A good friend of mine recently discussed a conversation he had with his daughter during that whole BP oil splendor. Rarely can a kid say something that makes me smile. Despite my completely uncaring nature towards the BP oil spill of doom, I was a little troubled by the thought of this kid not being able to make sandcastles with her daddy. It was the only time during that almost 90-day Gulf of Mexico massacre that I slightly cared.

With that conversation, however, came inspiration for me to do something… for me to take action now. Because as Zack de la Rocha once said, “If we don’t take action now, we’ll settle for nothing later.” I’m not a very smart man but I’d like to consider myself a man of action.

“Cool man, you’re going to do something about the oil spill?”

Whoa dude, you’re seeing the wrong point. Of course I am not going to do anything about BP except fuel up my car there. What I meant by action is that I’ve found a new calling. I’ve decided to start a new series called, “Stuff Your Kids Say”.

This first entry is said conversation with the little girl about her feelings towards sandcastles. Remember that scene in Knocked Up when Paul Rudd said, “I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.” I don’t know why but this conversation completely reminded me of that. Here is the conversation:

Ally:
Daddy where does the oil go?

Dad:
Right now it’s just floating out there in the water, moving, and some of it will wash up on the beach.

Ally:
But not on our beach right? Not where we make sand castles!

Is that not the most precious thing ever? Seriously… that conversation almost made me want to drive through the Gulf and suck up all the oil with my Shop-Vac.

Sandcastles for Ally (8/2010)

This picture is for you JD. Don’t be offended by its badness. I drew it without a mouse… and that is a super challenge. Enjoy. -M

So fellow readers, do you think you’ve had a conversation with your child that is worthy of a picture? Maybe you’ve even heard a child say something interesting while shopping at a store (that was for you Bridget… you’re next). If you think you have something for me that is worth my time, then why don’t you go ahead and e-mail me the conversation in dialogue form (see above) at:

citypicturesofdoom(@)gmail.com

Perhaps someday you can see your fine words in a post with a pretty terrible amazing picture to go with it. Full credit of course.

Don’t you want to lick my treat?

I was driving someplace today to pick up lunch when a dirty white van, covered in rust, pulled up next to me. The driver was a familiar sight – oddly large glasses, big round head, messy hair, dirty fingernails, and badly maintained facial hair. Further inspection of the van proved what I already thought to be true. He was an Ice Cream Man. There were stickers upon stickers of various icy treats covering the van. It had a large generator on the back, making some awful ruckus.

I thought to myself, “Shit, who the fuck allows their kids to get ice cream from this guy?” But then I thought back to my childhood and realized that I bought ice cream from this guy. Hundreds, if not thousands, of times. They are all the same. All ice cream men look as if they just got done serving jail time for fucking little boys, like Jesus in The Big Lebowski. Yet we continue to allow our children to get close to them and suck on their ice pops and lick their cones. The world is an interesting place.

ice.jpg

Want to lick it, little boy? (12/2007)

Dear Britney Spears (Part II – The Mix Tape),

Hey kid. I haven’t heard back from you but I guess that’s understandable. Just days after I wrote you my last letter, the government came and took your kids away. Now that dude who tried to be Eminem has them. And now, I see you on the internet/CNN/television/magazine covers even more than I did before.

Speaking of K-Fed, do you not have standards? It seems that you’ll let anyone enter you. What’s going on with your self-esteem? I mean, it’s not like any ounce of my body has ever found you attractive, but still. I’d imagine that you could do better. Or can you? I digress.

How does that make you feel… the part about losing your kids I mean? Are you sad? I am sorry you are sad. I’ve put together a list of songs that may help you along the way. If I could make you an actual mix-tape, like it’s 1987 again, I would. But that’s simply too much work for today. So I’ll just tell you the songs and you can download them yourself, using legal means like Itunes. I hope you enjoy them, as I tried to get a good mixture of genres together for you. Here they are, in the order I would put them:

Mix Tape for Britney Spears:

  • 1. Fiona Apple – Not About Love (Unreleased Jon Brion version)
  • 2. Elliott Smith – Needle in the Hay
  • 3. Bright Eyes – Landlocked Blues (with Emmylou Harris)
  • 4. The Eels – Last Time We Spoke
  • 5. Johnny Cash – I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry (Hank Williams Cover)
  • 6. Bob Dylan – Buckets of Rain
  • 7. Black Sabbath – Changes
  • 8. Born Against – Go Fuck Yourself
  • 9. Beck – Lost Cause
  • 10. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Am I Only
  • 11. Anal Cunt – You Got Pregnant So I Kicked You in the Stomach
  • 12. Descendents – My Dad Sucks
  • 13. Gorilla Biscuits – Start Today
  • 14. Norah Jones – Not My Friend
  • 15. System of a Down – She’s Like Heroin
  • 16. The Velvet Underground – Heroin
  • 17. The Walkmen – The Rat
  • 18. Kanye West – Gone
  • 19. A Tribe Called Quest – Buggin’ Out
  • 20. Poison the Well – Pleading Post
  • 21. Screeching Weasel – I Will Always Be There
  • 22. Peter Bjorn & John – Roll the Credits

Originally I had 15 songs but I figured the more, the merrier. 22 songs is a nice start, right? I even drew you a cover for it too (you’d have to print it out and cut it to fit the CD case though), because that’s the kind of guy I am. Perhaps next time I write you, I will include a list of movie suggestions for you, to also help you through these troubled times.

brit.jpg

It Should Be Obvious (10/2007)

Have you been thinking about that piece of advice I gave you? You know, the part where I suggested you may want to move out of California? Clearly that state isn’t doing too well for you. I just hope you don’t end up like Owen Wilson. That dude tried to take his own life. He’s a good kid too, and you have it way worse than he does. I mean, he was once nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay (Royal Tenenbaums, 2001). I can’t imagine you ever getting that honor. Again, I digress.

Keep your chin up kid. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your pal,

Mike Bronson