Review: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

I am going to start off this entry with a bold statement that will sure to attract the attention of cinema snobs all over – horror films simply don’t exist anymore. You can argue the finer points of some lesser-known foreign masterpiece all you want. But deep down in your heart, you know you weren’t actually scared when you watched [Rec] or Martyrs. Not like you were when you saw Jaws for the first time. No matter how much we love to watch teenagers (or anyone really) get destroyed on screen, there hasn’t been a film in a while that really connects us with the characters to have us even care in the first place. Continue reading “Review: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”

Anna Faris’ Crazy Plastic Lip…

Some people do shit to their body that is completely unacceptable. Others do shit that is acceptable. For example, the single mother stripper who needs a new set of tits, because years of child births sagged them things down and no respectable wife-cheating business man wants to throw down money on saggy boobs. They simply do it out of need. If their boobs don’t pass the test, no one will make it rain for them.

Anna Faris does not fall into this category. She was perfectly fine a few years ago. Everything was good. Sure, she is no Meryl Streep as far as acting is concerned, but she isn’t fucking as emotionless as Summer Glau for testicular sake. She seems to land about 2 movies a year and has no problem doing so.

So what the fuck happened to her lip?

I tried watching House Bunny (a sure-fire Oscar contender) and I couldn’t look past it. What happened to her top lip man? Does she have a leprechaun punch her every morning before work or did she actually get work done?

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Move Over, Julia Roberts (4/2009)

Hot or Not: Zelda from Pet Semetary

Holy orafice clogger. I saw this movie when I was in 2nd grade and let me tell you, this movie fucked me up. It wasn’t because of how it showed people burying things that came back to life or how it had a creepy little kid running around killing people and biting their necks.

No, something else fucked me up. This one scene I am about to describe messed my sleeping schedule up for weeks when I was young. I remember lying on my back with my eyes open for hours, constantly looking around, making sure this creepy thing wasn’t in my room.

“What are you talking about bro?”

There is a scene where a woman describes her childhood with her sister. It cuts to a flashback and shows said sister – Zelda’s her name – rolling around in a bed with soup pouring out of her mouth. This bitch made Regan from The Exorcist look like Strawberry Shortcake. Hideous fucking creature! The worst part of it all happens near the end of the film. It cuts back to present day and Zelda’s sister is wandering about looking for her son. She opens a door to a bedroom and there is Zelda – all creepy looking in the corner of the room. Then she turns around and charges the camera, screaming, “Never get out of bed again!”

Fucking creepy.

When I watch it now, of course, there is nothing about that scene that is even remotely scary (other than the fact that I learned Zelda was actually played by a dude). Here it is: fast-forward to minute 3. Nothing, right? When I was a kid, that scene messed me up like a tornado in Oklahoma. I literally thought she was going to come out of my television.

So now I dare ask, is Zelda hot or not (and for the sake of argument, let’s forget she is played by a dude)?

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Put it to my lips… (2/2009)

A new year is upon us (and I promise you bitches some pictures)…

Yes, I know. I’ve been fucking slacking this December. I only put up 8 or 9 pictures – what the fuck is wrong with me? Life is what’s wrong with me kids. I’ve been doing a lot this month. I graduated from college finally. I am working at becoming a certified teacher in the state of Florida so I can shape young minds. A lot of boring shit you people probably care nothing about.

So my resolution for 2008 is to bring back the doom to City Pictures. I attempt to promise that I will have at least 20 new pictures each month, except for in February because that month is stupid.

On Christmas Day, I was in Atlanta. I thought it would be a good idea to see Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem (I’m a geek like that) with a friend. While we were waiting for the masterpiece of filmmaking to begin, we hit up the local Starbucks. In walked in a dude who never really got a lesson in what not to fucking wear when you leave your house and head to a public place.

He wore some sort of moccasin-looking slippers at the bottom of these baby blue pajama pants with little snowmen all over them. Then he had on this disgusting looking sweater which looked like it was stolen from a homeless person. It was the kind of sweater your mom made you when you were kid, if your mom was mentally challenged. He hadn’t combed his hair either… and it was about 4:00 in the afternoon. I don’t give a shit if Christmas or not… take care of yourself when you go out in public, or don’t be surprised when someone hits you with a shit-sock.

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Snowmen and Sweaters on Christmas Day (12/2007)

You kids have a save and pleasant New Year’s. Puke on people you don’t like and use prophylactics when fornicating.