To Robert Schimmel…

Robert Schimmel was a comedian who spent a good deal of his later career talking about his experience with cancer. It was great to hear him discuss such an issue with as an open discussion as possible. He was as hilarious as he was sad. I had the great fortune of seeing him perform in Tampa last year. He was a master of his craft.

He passed away Friday in a tragic car accident. Perhaps that was our creator’s big joke. The man survived such a horrific cancer ordeal, only to be ended in a car accident. Here is to you, fine sir.

Mr. Robert Schimmel (9/2010)

Characters in Sense and Sensibility I wanted to kill while reading it…

As you may or may not know, fine reader, is that I’ve recently enrolled in Graduate School (as generic as that sounds) and am on the fast-track to earning my Master’s Degree in English Education. Some of the courses I’ve enrolled in this semester are literature based (as I am a big fan of those pesky bricks of paper containing words and story). One of the first novels I have to read for my Romanticism course is Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. I’ve never read Austen before. Reading this novel now, I can understand why.

Austen didn’t write for the people. She wrote for the middle-to-upper class (more upper than middle) and her stories take place in said worlds. I don’t care about rich people. Especially rich white girls whining about the possibilities of marriage.

“But dude, the girls in this story aren’t rich. They really don’t have that much.”

Okay, you read a different book. In the book I read, the so-called girls who don’t have much have servants. Yes, multiple servants. Ask any poor person you know if they have servants, and the answer will no doubt be no.

While I was reading this wretched filth, my mind started to only care about one thing: who should die first? So I started keeping a list of all the characters in Sense and Sensibility I wanted to kill:

Elinor
Marianne
Mrs. Dashwood
Colonel Brandon
Edward Ferrars
Mrs. Ferrars
Fanny
Willoughby
Lucy Steele
Lady Middleton

Please not Willoughby! (9/10)

I hated each and all of them and just wanted them to die. Over and over again; horrible deaths of doom. We have to read Jane Eyre next. What I know about it makes it sound promising, but I am still a little concerned. Hopefully Bronte writes in a more interesting fashion than Jane Austen. 

Pictures of Doom turns 3!

It was early September of 2007 when City Pictures began with a simple premise: let’s show the world how amazing my skills of illustration are. That was 3 years ago. How time flies.

Since then, we’ve gone through countless header designs, a barrage of ramblings about all things awful and hilarious, touching stories of sadness, and simple tales of idiocy. It’s been a long journey.

Those first 3 months out, City Pictures gathered about 3,000 – 4,000 hits a month. It was way more than I ever though possible. Nowadays, I’m lucky if I even get 1,000 hits a month. This site was once on WordPress’ list of “Fastest Growing Blogs” (September, 2007). What happened? My art and ramblings tired people out I guess. They are sick of it. But what is a poor boy to do? Make some changes, that’s what.

“But dude, what kinds of things are you going to change?”

Actually, as far as content goes, absolutely nothing. My ramblings will still ramble. My art will still rival Picasso.

“So what are you talking about?”

The New Tablet (9/10)

Firstly, the web address is now more permanent: citypictures.wordpress.com is now http://picturesofdoom.com. That sounds so much more official, right?

Secondly, I’ve finally gone and done something I’ve talked about for years… I’ve recently purchased a Wacom Tablet.

“What the Hell is that, bro?”

It’s a tool that allows me to draw on my computer with an actually pencil-like tool. My drawings are about to advance a stage in quality (probably not really). So be on the lookout for that.

Thirdly, I’ve made some changes in theme. Pictures of Doom has had the same theme for the past 3 years. It was about time to change it. I may even change the header again too… Who knows?

Fourthly, regarding you. Why isn’t this link in your favorites list yet? I average about 30-40 hits a day. I know I have more friends than that. My mom and dad read this more often than you. So get on it! Add this to your daily grind. You’re helping a poor man build his ego. How hard is it to comply?

Fifthly, I love when you guys comment here. You notice I always comment back? So comment. I like comments as much as I like attention – a lot.

Sixthly, if you haven’t noticed by now, I started yet another blog. It’s called “Stuff College Kids Wear” and it’s dedicated to the awful fashions of today’s college youth. Go there and enjoy. It could use your help. But don’t think that means you don’t have to read this anymore. Because that isn’t true at all.

Seventhly, I’ve recently updated my blogroll and (unfortunately) had to eliminate a lot of blogs that were abandoned. I’d love to add more to it to replace those fallen comrades. Let me know. If you’re worthy, I’ll add it. Perhaps you can add me too.

Eighthly, Pictures of Doom hit a massive landmark the other day. For the past 3 years, our biggest day earned us 256 unique visits (in a single day). That’s been our biggest day since September 27th, 2007. Since that day, we’ve never even come close to breaking that record. Until now. For some reason or another, on September 1st, 2010, Pictures of Doom got 758 unique hits! That’s over 700 hits in one single day! That’s crazy! It seems that posting my entry on how to teach sexual education the proper way to kids (AKA The 3 Ps) on Reddit really benefitted my life. Go Reddit!

That’s it I guess. Any questions? Concerns? Suggestions? Hit me up. It’s only going to get worse from here.

Thank you for all your visits. They really are special to me.

Baseball players love the juice…

I once watched a documentary that argued the pros of allowing athletes the ability of using steroids in a legal environment. They said that if Tiger Woods was allowed to enhance his vision with lacik eye treatment, thus improving his sight and overall abilities in the game, why can’t other athletes use steroids to improve their abilities? After all, steroids have never actually killed anyone. No one has ever overdosed using steroids. Perhaps some crazy girlfriends have been the victim of “roid-rage” but that’s really about it.

So what is the big deal about baseball players using the juice? Why does everyone care so much? I don’t watch or like sports, yet, for some reason, I see on the news all the time. For years. It never ends. Let them get their big-muscles-small-penis and be done with it.

Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya (8/2010)

You shouldn’t be mad at that anyway. What you should be mad at is the fact that they make millions upon millions of dollars to play a simple game. While you and I make nothing for actual work.

Wait a second… I’m unemployed. So never mind.

Which leads me to another question… you are getting paid quite a lot of money to play a game. Why mess your body up with steroids? You can sit the bench for an entire game and still get paid tons of money. Why mess your body up? Your salary is awesome regardless.

Hot or Not: Megan Fox?

For the record, I would like to get it out there and say what you want to say; what your penis is trying to say but can’t because you’ve clouded its judgment. Megan Fox, star of such hideously awful films as the Transformer franchise and Jennifer’s Body, is fucking disgusting. Pardon my language but it had to be said. She is a very unattractive person. But the world says, “No way! You are fucking crazy!” Only I say, “No way brosef, I am not.” I would not have sex with her using your penis.

No Love for Optimus Prime (8/2010)

There is something about her that just scares me off. Maybe it’s the hint of herpes that resonates on her lips. Or her awful taste in movie selection (which proves to me quite simply that she hasn’t the skills of a third-grade reading level). I hate to say it but I like girls who can read. I also like girls who have regular size thumbs. Not thumbs that are bigger than a midget.

Now I leave the decision to you, the fine people of America. What do you think about this hideous beast of sexually transmitted disease?

And if you use them, please feel free to Digg us! We need all the help we can get.

Arnold Schwarzegger is the reason I was stabbed with a pencil…

Back in 1990, I was in 4th grade, and all the guys at recess would often talk about one thing. Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was at the top of his game back then. Total Recall was released by this time but I missed it during its theatrical run. I wouldn’t say it until later.

Regardless, on this particular day, the discussion was which was a better film, Predator or Commando? I am not sure why Terminator wasn’t in this discussion. My vote was for the alien beast… not the film with Alyssa Milano with pink Converse. Now, I love Commando, but Predator is a much better film. O had a conversation with this kid named Justin. It went a lot like this.

MIKE:
Predator dude! Schwarzenegger rocks in that movie!

JUSTIN:
No way man, Commando was awesome! He blew up like 234 people in one scene!

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
No dude….

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
But dude…

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
Stop it!

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
STOP IT!

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
I’m not kidd…

MIKE:
Predator is better.

JUSTIN:
Aaaaarrrrggggghhh!

Right about here, Justin decided to stab me with a pencil. Right in the arm. What kind of asshole stabs a guy in the pencil just for showing his love for Predator? I’ll tell you who. Justin. What an asshole.

Predator is Better (8/2010)

MIKE:
Hey Justin…

JUSTIN:
WHAT?!?!?

MIKE:
Predator is better.

Stuff Your Kids Say: You Fart from Where?

My friend Bridget was in Target the other day when she overheard a conversation between a mother and her daughter.

Little girl at Target:
I farted in my butt!

Mom:
Little girls don’t talk like that.

Girl:
Just kidding I did it with my mouth!

Alright, let me get this straight. It’s not okay for girls to talk about farting in their butts but it is okay for them to talk about farting from their mouths? Check. But how does one exactly fart in their butt? I understand how one farts out of their butt… but inside it? Perhaps that mother should talk to her daughter about the art of fart; then explore the manners of feminism at a later date.

But I’m still confused as to how one farts in their butt. So I drew this chart. I really think you need another person to fart in your butt. It’s virtually impossible to do it on your own.

Fart Chart (8/2010)